"One of those feelings...I can't sleep yet. My chest is too heavy to sleep yet. It's one of those nights..." (March 10th)

I haven't blogged in a while! Really, I'm only doing so now because my period has me in a horribly sad mood, and I don't think anyone should attempt sleep while feeling anything but content.

For the most part, the lack of postings is a good thing. It's a blog about my struggle with anxiety, so if I'm writing less, it's because I'm not experiencing as much anxiety. Or at least that I'm struggling with it less! And that, is impressive.

I have been dealing with a loss, a grand loss. The word 'grand' probably makes it sound special or a fancy loss, because 'grand' is a special and fancy-sounding word. It's also a large-sounding word, though. It is a large loss. And normally, months ago, a loss this large would result in a well-proportioned panic attack.

But, TA-DA! It's been over a full week since the roof started to come down..and I have yet to find myself in pieces on the bathroom floor! Ok, that's a lie. Ok, once! But I was only on the bathroom floor because my boyfriend was sound asleep in my bed, and I needed a place to have a good cry. No pounding panics though.

This could mean one of two things: I have grown in strides as far as dealing with my panic goes, OR she didn't actually mean as much to me as I thought she did.

Or maybe my self-esteem has grown. I know, better then I used to, that I am a good person. I am a good person! And an even better friend! I am trustworthy, safe, reliable and full of love. And I can not allow anyone to make me question that. Maybe the questioning is what would cause the panic.

I am most scared of not knowing, and not being in control. But I KNOW that I'm a good person, and that I didn't deserve what was thrown at me, and I took control of the situation.

Damn. I am good!

The grand loss was really, mostly a heart break, and nothing hurts like the heart hurts. If I can get through this without a grand attack, I can survive whatever comes next. And knowing that makes my heart hurt a little less.

So, *cheers to a lack of blogging

I'm ok, We're alright

There will come a day

when you realize

my life is good

no matter

how much it hurts,

my life is full

no matter

who is walking away.

I have a whole heart

true love

a kind family

dear friends

and hope still

for tomorrows.

That deems me lucky

and well equipped

to survive

succeed

what else comes next.