We've all met a monster. We've all spent quality time with a beast, at some point in our lives. Panic disorders, addiction, unemployment, loneliness. But there is one monster that even scares all the others off. I picture like, a Raptor in the jungle acting all cocky, scaring all the other dinosaurs, and then the T-Rex comes along, and swallows that Raptor whole.
It's 5am at a friends cottage, someone's car alarm is going off, there's a massive rain storm, and our roommate is snoring...we watched Mrs. Doubtfire earlier, and there's a part where Robin Williams plays with toy dinosaurs...so that's where that imagery came from.
Cancer is by far the ugliest, meanest, most selfish monster. The Anxiety monster is a true tormentor, and while I always felt like I was dying, he never actually threatened my life. And no other monster allows you to defeat it, allows you to celebrate with everyone around you, and then barges back in over, and over again, until it's finished the job.
It's still storming, someone still keeps honking their horn, there's a bunch of drunk, cranky boys downstairs, and it's too hot too sleep, but my brain won't let me think of anything but Julie.
I'd be very interested to know the ratio of convicted criminals who are diagnosed with cancer vs. the number of innocent, hard working, hard loving human beings chosen to suffer. I don't know if I could actually wish cancer on someone, but when there are football coaches raping their young players, and ingrates shooting a theater full of people, it's obvious, to me, that some people at least deserve it less.
I once reached a point in my illness, where I decided I'd rather one of my specialists tell me I had cancer, then have to hear that they didn't know what was wrong, or that it was all in my head, one more time. How absurd is that? I was desperate. I have fought a tough battle, I have proven myself brave, but I can't imagine being anything but a crying mess in the fetal position after being told, 'it's cancer'.
It's almost hard to believe how positive and hopeful Julie remains. Cancer patients, I'm sure, are the bravest. They have to be. They have to be strong for themselves, and they have to be strong for the loved ones who surround them. Which makes it even less fair, really. But Julie has done a beautiful job at just that.
On Friday we were texting while I was in the car on the way to the cottage. Turns out, she was typing from her chair, at her first chemo appointment. I can't even imagine. And yet we shared 'LOL's over my boyfriend's aggressive driving, and she told me how glad she was to have her mom with her. We discussed making dinner plans for an at-home double date, and I reminded her that I could come over soon to do her nails. If anyone else was to pick up and read that conversation, they'd never guess she was in a hospital, hooked up to tubes feeding her a bitch of a drug, literally fighting for her life. But that's Julie.
We aren't BEST friends, at first she was just the girlfriend of one of my boyfriend's friends. But you don't need to be best friends to know how kind, and smart, and funny, and beautiful she is. You don't have to be best friends to be kept up at night, so sad and mad, and worried for her, her fiancé, and her family. You don't have to be best friends in order to want to take her pain away, and hug her, and make her smile, and just fucking murder the shit out of the Cancer Monster.
You know, I'd go back to being sick and sweaty and panicking on my bathroom floor, if it meant Julie wouldn't have cancer anymore. If all the beautiful finances, and innocent children, and needed moms and dads could avoid cancer, I'd gladly go back and live in that part of my life again. Because compared to cancer, everything else seems so pathetic. All of a sudden, complaining about how hot it is, being pissed off about the murderous period I endured last week, whining about the early hours I'll be working come September, is all very pathetic.
I bet though, Julie is the sort of person who would tell you not to feel that way. She would probably assure you that a monster is a monster, and you can't compare diseases. I feel like I'd be the one who would hear a complete stranger mentioning his headache on the bus, and scream, 'you have a headache? I have fucking cancer, you pussy '.
She should be here, you know? Enjoying the long weekend playing Sorry with us outnumbered girls, while all the boys are being complete idiots down on the beach. That's how it should be, but we all know that life is an unfair asshole.
It's after 6 now, and I just hope she's at least having a good sleep. That's the least that Life could do.
* * * * *
I typed that on August 5th. I wasn't ready to post it at the time, I'm not sure why. Probably had a little to do with denial, and only wanting to send positive feelings out into the universe.
Julie passed away thismorning. It was hard to leave on vacation, knowing it was a possibility, even though we'd visited with her before we left. My sister recently lost someone, and she was in Paris with her boyfriend when she got the news. I now understand now how hard it is, to be away from it all, no matter how hard 'it all' may be.
I went downstairs, sat in Prince Charming's lap, and we cried. We cried for Julie, and her gallant fiancé, and the friends and family who held her hand every step of the way.
Yesterday was, I think, the most magical day of my life thus far. And it was really all thanks to Julie. At this age, we are getting ready to lose grandparents, and we start preparing ourselves for the possible loss of our parents, but we'd never stop to consider losing a friend. We'd never stop to consider, at this age, that today could be our last day to do magical things. We don't stop to consider those things, until now. I'm still unsure if it sounds bad, or morbid, or selfish to say, but what Julie went through is an eye opener, and it's been an inspiration to love and live harder then I have been.
Yesterday we swam with stingrays! I'd fallen in love with them at the aquarium here in Myrtle Beach, sitting at the corner of the tank watching this giant, mystical creatures flying so peacefully through the water. When we walked up above the tank, I nearly peed my pants when we saw a place where you could lean over and pet the rays as the glided through the shallow makeshift beach! Then I saw the poster, SWIM with the stingrays.
I contemplated it for a few days. Since being sick I've only worked 2 regular months, and since schools out I haven't had a regular pay check all summer, so even $75 (each) seemed like an intimidating number. When I was sitting at the corner of that tank though, there was a moment so full of wishing that Julie was there to see it too. I eventually realized that I can't save the big things for tomorrows.
Stingrays are velvety, and very heavy, and they like to suck on your toes! I even kissed a pregnant one, which must be some kind of good luck! The whole time we were in that chilly water, giggling and squirming, I kept thanking Julie for helping me get in there.
Last night was so warm, and the storm clouds had cleared enough for the stars to finally peek through, and there was a full moon to top it all off. When you add all that together, it equals the perfect reason to go skinny dipping!
I think that that's what Heaven must feel like. A warm empty beach only lit by the moon, a beautiful breeze, a vast ocean, just naked and completely free. Once all the pain and the sadness and the sacredness is over, that must be what it feels like.
I don't normally enjoy ocean swims. The salt burns my skin, and I can't make my brain quit thinking about sharks! But I realized that being in an ocean, sans suits, is not an opportunity that arrives every day. And I have never in my life felt so calm, and at peace, and so thankful.
If you've read my blog before, you know I'm not God's biggest fan. I've always believed in Heaven though. And sometimes, like we all do too, Heaven gets really greedy. Julie was a beautiful force, an energy that will vibrate through our hearts forever. I know, and I think everyone who knew her knows, she's on a beach somewhere. And maybe even naked ;)
