Crown Missing

Right now, all I want in the whole wide world is my engagement ring back. That's it! I don't want a car, or a pony, or a million dollars (ok, I for sure want a million dollars), I just want my ring. 

Peoples took it 7 weeks ago, to make a mold etc. because it requires a custom made wedding band (I have since suggested to every person in a relationship that I know lol, to never buy an engagement ring that won't fit with a normal band, or doesn't come with a band)....and I've started calling them once or twice a week, after the initial 3 weeks. 

First they said they'd make the mold, give us the estimate for the cost, then size and send my engagement ring back. Then they said they weren't making the mold even, until we agreed on the estimate price, because just the stupid mold costs $400. So we said yes to what I think is an outrageous price for a like, a gram of white good and a few minuscule diamonds (it's actually more then twice the cost of my engagement ring!), and we were told my engagement ring would be back in about a week, once the mold was made, and the wedding band would take another 3 weeks. Fine. That was a month ago. 

It turns out, the jewelers needed to keep the engagement ring so that while they are making the wedding ring, they can match all the lines, and all the stones up perfectly. (Isn't that what the $400 mold was for?!) I can appreciate perfection, in fact I expect perfection for that much money. And I also understand that there are hundreds of brides whose rings they are currently crafting, and I accept that we weren't able to give them a ton of notice or time. But 7 weeks without the prettiest thing I've ever seen, is seriously starting to weigh on me!

I am a patient person. I actually consider my patience to be at par with a superpower. I can hold a child for hours while it screams in my face, and it doesn't phase me whatsoever. I don't honk at or flip off drivers who forget that you can turn right on a red. I'm fine sitting in a change room naked for 20 minutes because the sales lady forgot that she was finding me another size. Heck, I waited 2 years after picking out an engagement ring before actually being proposed to! But when I'm told over and over again, 'Oh! It'll just be 3 weeks! It'll just be one more week! Oh, we'll have it next week!' I start to want my antidepressants back, and start ponder antipsychotics, too. 

Most people think I'm being silly. 'Its just a ring, and everyone KNOWS you're engaged,' is a common response. But in all fairness, those people weren't (or never have been) engaged females. Because I feel like its a right of passage! To me, the engagement is the exciting part, the time to simply show off before the actual wedding stress kicks in. Because of everything that's going on, I only get to be engaged for (less then) 4 months, and Peoples has basically ruined half of it. As vein as it sounds, I feel a little less special every time I leave the house, knowing the cashier at the grocery store, or the bank teller, or the kids at work won't get to notice the sparkly thing on my finger. 

I still feel engaged, of course, in the sense that I'm in the midst of planning a wedding, but without my engagement ring, I feel like I'm missing out on the special, pretty, 'IM ENGAGED!!' feelings. I felt super dumb during my Bachelorette party, because of course every stranger who noticed the penis-adorned veil on my head responded with, 'YAY! Let me see the ring!!' After this weekend I will also have attended both of my bridal showers without my engagement ring. And that's ridiculous!

I just got off the phone with our sales lady at Peoples and she seemed far too excited to tell me, 'I think I can get it back for you on the 23rd!' 'Oh, that's awesome! Unless of course you remember that last week you said if have it this week.'

Perhaps it's the expectations that I've been given, that is the kryptonite to my patience. My fiancé took me ring shopping WAY before he was actually planning on proposing, and literally every day after that I was expecting him to drop to one knee. And when you assure me that it'll only be 3 weeks before I get my engagement ring back, I expect my engagement ring back in 3 weeks. And every day after that I want to hit someone a little harder. 

I simply feel incomplete, like a Princess without her crown.  

And I also feel fucking ticked off. 

How Many Times Have I Tweeted, 'Deep Breaths'?

It recently came to my attention that its hard for anyone who has never come off of prescription medication, to understand what it's like to come off of prescription medication. So! In hopes of distracting myself from the current overwhelming urge to escape, and to cry, I thought I'd attempt to explain it. 

Firstly, it's hard for ME to understand what's going on. As things get uncomfortable, I'm constantly reminding myself that on top of the fact that it just underwent surgery two months ago, my body is going through so many changes. Therefore I don't hold it against anyone at all, when they don't understand, or even choose to judge the situation that I'm currently in. 

Many people assume, when you mention that you're working your way off medication, that its like detoxing. It's not. Not for me anyways. Those classy enough to catch shows such as Dr Drew's Celebrity Rehab, know that coming off of alcohol or recreational drugs usually involves shakes, and sweats, and puking, and sometimes seizures. For me, the reactions or side effects are basically invisible. 

I am gradually coming off of Celexa, a drug that my brain has been thriving on for 10 years. Almost exactly 10 years, actually. I first started on it as a way to deal with my depression. A few years ago after experimenting with a few different brands, we ended up increasing my dose of Celexa to deal with my acute panic disorder, on top of the depression. I've been on it so long that I couldn't tell you what it actually does for me, I don't remember what it felt like when it sunk in for the first time and started making me feel better. Coming off of the drug now, I realize that I have taken it and its huge effect on my life, for granted. 

The best way to explain things may be to say that I feel like a teenager going through puberty for the first time. So many 'new' physical and mental feelings all at once. It's overwhelming, and it's frustrating or even a little nerve racking, because I don't know my body is doing or feelings certain things at certain time. The medication put me in control of my mind and my body, but now I'm relinquishing it.

It doesn't take much to raise the temperature of my blood, or to make my skin crawl. The ridiculous spacing of this current Word Doc alone is making me want to punch things. Someone who's been in this same situation might notice my newly acquired ticks (for lack of a better word), though I don't even notice them sometimes. I find my hands in fists, or my fingers and toes wriggling around when it gets bad. My skin has gotten so sensitive sometimes that even my FIANCÉ'S (tee hee) hand on my back, makes me want to throw up. I also worry that my dentist is going to notice how much I've been grinding my teeth lately.

All of that is my anxiety creeping back in. 

Oh! I will take a minute to acknowledge now, the powers of therapies which do not involve drugs. Talk therapy, art therapy, CBT, etc are all things that while at the time may not have seemed super useful, are proving to have been benefitting me this whole time. The fact that I'm not back on the bathroom floor right now, even though I'm nauseous as heck, is testament to all of the hard work I've done over the last few years, on top of taking the right meds. While I am very comfortable saying that I still couldn't have survived the last few years without drug therapy, I am very thankful that I was given the opportunity to partake in so many other kinds of therapy, because that is what I am holding onto now. 

When we first started discussing babies, which involved discussing coming off my medication, I was very worried about the depression. My fiancé has seen me in the midst of the most horrific anxiety, but he didn't know me when I was depressed. Then again, when I was depressed, lol no one noticed anyways! Depression was always very easy for me to hide. I'm a born actress (I think, anyways lol), and high school was prime time to 'fake it til you make it', so no one ever worried about me, until I asked them too. 

I feel extremely nervous to admit that I have felt depressed, since starting to come off of my medication. It's never a serious depression, and usually it'll only last an hour! It's just a BLAH feeling, and I don't want to talk to anyone, or do anything, so I'll go back to bed, and wake up feeling better. I call it the 'high school' feeling. If I'm driving when it's dark out, and there's some slow song on...I get very sentimental...and my brain starts thinking about our old family home, and when we were all young and careless and silly, and family vacations, and smoking at parties even though I thought smoking was gross...and my body starts to feel like I remember it feeling in high school. And that's when I feel a little nervous. And that's when I search for a station playing that stupid Miley song, and I text something inappropriate to BriBear, and make plans to do something with another person. Because I don't know if I'll ever be comfortable enough to reminisce that way, without medication. 

However! I can't be sure (and neither can my doctors, really) what symptoms and side effects are from coming off the Celexa, and what are from coming off my birth control! Because I'm doing that, too! Because who doesn't want to deprive their body of ALL the extra chemicals and hormones that it’s been living off of for 10 years, all at once? 

What was I thinking!?

Well, lol. I guess I was thinking that I'd like for the baby who will be growing in my tummy any time now, to eventually come out of my tummy with only 1 head, and 10 fingers and toes. 

And that's what I have to keep reminding myself. And that's what I have to keep reminding the people around me who also have to deal with all my new feelings etc. I'm not doing this just for fun! It's the least amount of fun I've ever had! I'm doing it because we want a baby, and because we HAVE to have that baby soon. And we want that baby to be happy and healthy. Mine is likely the least desirable uterus to have to live in. So I figure, if the baby can survive in there, then I can survive without drugs. Seems fair, right?

I try to be funny, and sarcastic about it, and I know I do a good job at hiding it. But it is hard. It's actually really hard sometimes, and that's why I'm not really working this summer. The timing is perfect really, since my school job gives me the summer off. Planning a wedding is enough to make any 'normal' person lose it at least a little, especially planning a wedding in less then 4 months! When I then realized I needed to plan a wedding, and at the same time come off of all my medication, not getting a summer job seemed smart. It seemed like the safest thing, for me. This way I can enjoy the process of planning our special day, and I can get through it without hurting people, or myself. And while wedding planning doesn't make for the IDEAL time to come off the meds...there won't ever be an actual perfect time to do it. Just like there's really no perfect time to have a baby! So why not!

I am currently on 1/4 of my original Celexa dose (and zero birth control), and I'm still alive. I get outrageous headaches (which I was never prone to before), my stomach may flip from violently nauseous to painfully hungry every 15 minutes (needless to say, eating has drastically dropped on my list of favorite things to do), and I may cry watching animal rescue videos on you tube, and Say Yes To The Dress...but I'm still alive, and that's all that matters! I'm not in a ball on the bathroom floor, I'm not even desperate for Ativan. I’m not telling random strangers to fuck off, or calling off the wedding. A year ago even, I never would have put money on my ability to function, let alone be a productive and loving fiancé without any medication. It's good news! It's completely exhausting some days, but it's impressive. I'm impressed. I'm impressed, AND getting married in like 5 weeks! Imagine!