I am very much one of those people who don't like pictures of themselves
being posted, unless I personally find them attractive. And while my standards
for 'attractive' have lowered since getting pregnant (I shower as little as
possible, never wear my hair down, and I haven't put my contacts in since
2013), a 'selfie' usually requires taking 3 or 4 pics to choose from, or I pose
with my 'good side'.
Tonight was different.
I was in a slight stage of undress, preparing to shower (for the first time since Monday, of course), and I caught a glimpse of myself in our fairly water-spotted mirror. And I was in awe. Not the cocky kind of awe. A completely natural, a little in shock, wow kind of awe.
In the beginning stages of pregnancy, I was miserable. I make no effort to deny that, nor should I be made to feel as if I should! I was nauseous and puking all over the place, and I was just fat. Well, that's how it felt anyways. It took a while because of the morning sickness, but when I started to gain weight it seemed to come in the form of chub, and not a bump. Many people claim that a woman is most beautiful when pregnant, and I do find pregnant women completely beautiful...but not in the beginning. The weight starts off spread all over the place, and you're feeling huge and pregnant, but any stranger would assume you we're just a little thicker, not pregnant. No one thinks you're pregnant without a big bump! And that made me miserable. Things stopped fitting, but for no OBVIOUS reason. Before I was a good 16 weeks a long, I couldn't for the life of me understand why women wanted any maternity photos taken, never mind the kind where they're naked!
Looking pregnant makes it all a little easier. I very much dig my bump, and I've started preferring fitted clothes again. When I'm in front of the toilet now, being able to look down and SEE the reason behind everything, makes even the barfing easier to deal with. In fact, my Instagram page (@alwaysgeorge) is completely overflowing with my #bump pictures now.
Tonight's selfie was a little different though. Almost one of those 'a-ha' moments Oprah is so fond of. I was standing in front of our bathroom mirror, in my (large!) sports bra and years-old grungy sweat pants, my hair clearly in need of the shower I was about to have, and no makeup...and I had never felt so beautiful. And not just beautiful, I felt so happy. And in awe. Because in that moment, I had my hands on my (what I think is a) perfect belly, admiring my new hard to believe shape, and he kicked.
It wasn't the first kick I'd felt by any means. I've been able to feel the little bubbly (they're not flutters at all!) movements for probably a month, and at least 2 weeks ago I started being able to feel the movements on the outside of my tummy (which is so, so much neater!). Daddy and Grampa have even gotten to feel a few boots!
But feeling him kick, in that particular moment, really rounded off this 'whole' feeling. A completeness. And I was in awe.
I was in awe of how obvious it was, what exactly was going on inside of me! Every so often I say to myself, 'Like, there is for real a real baby in there!', because its still so surreal. I was in awe of how accepting, and happy I finally was with the way I looked, too. Just round, and weird, and wonderful! I found myself wishing so hard that it would magically be 20 degrees outside, so I could run around in a bikini and let the whole world (or whoever was awake and on the streets still at 11pm) see me in my glory!
Mostly though, I was in awe because I was standing there, looking at myself actually enjoying feeling a baby moving around inside my tummy. Because 20 weeks ago, when I realized we had in fact magically succeeded in getting pregnant, I was suddenly PETRIFIED of what this baby, this experience was going to do to my panic disorder. It took me an entire trimester to get used to the idea of throwing up every day without dying from anxiety. Even after that feat, I was completely convinced that feeling the baby would destroy me.
Before the baby is big enough to be able to be felt, you don't really have to think about it! You are sick, and bloated, and exhausted, and moody so you know you're pregnant, but you don't really have to think about exactly what's going on with your body. Once it starts kicking, you can't NOT picture that weird, teeny human being living and moving amongst all your other vital organs! You can't NOT get stuck on the fact that there is a set of EYEBALLS inside your tummy! As 100% natural as being pregnant is, it is NOT normal! Lol. Not for someone like me, anyways. Not for someone who panicked every time she remembered the tiny, not-alive IUD inside of her pelvic area!
But there I was! In the dirty mirror, in my dirty sweat pants with my dirty hair, feeling my almost-son kicking me, and I was nothing but so happy. No sudden hot flash, no dizziness, no increased heart rate, no hating the fact that I can't take Ativan, just so happy. So happy, and whole, and in awe of all the things my body, and my brain, and my heart are capable of.
Regardless of the poor lighting, the towels in the background and the faucet in the foreground, and no concealer over my terrible pregnant complexion, I had no reservations over capturing that image, that moment. And sharing it with my Kingdom.
Tonight was different.
I was in a slight stage of undress, preparing to shower (for the first time since Monday, of course), and I caught a glimpse of myself in our fairly water-spotted mirror. And I was in awe. Not the cocky kind of awe. A completely natural, a little in shock, wow kind of awe.
In the beginning stages of pregnancy, I was miserable. I make no effort to deny that, nor should I be made to feel as if I should! I was nauseous and puking all over the place, and I was just fat. Well, that's how it felt anyways. It took a while because of the morning sickness, but when I started to gain weight it seemed to come in the form of chub, and not a bump. Many people claim that a woman is most beautiful when pregnant, and I do find pregnant women completely beautiful...but not in the beginning. The weight starts off spread all over the place, and you're feeling huge and pregnant, but any stranger would assume you we're just a little thicker, not pregnant. No one thinks you're pregnant without a big bump! And that made me miserable. Things stopped fitting, but for no OBVIOUS reason. Before I was a good 16 weeks a long, I couldn't for the life of me understand why women wanted any maternity photos taken, never mind the kind where they're naked!
Looking pregnant makes it all a little easier. I very much dig my bump, and I've started preferring fitted clothes again. When I'm in front of the toilet now, being able to look down and SEE the reason behind everything, makes even the barfing easier to deal with. In fact, my Instagram page (@alwaysgeorge) is completely overflowing with my #bump pictures now.
Tonight's selfie was a little different though. Almost one of those 'a-ha' moments Oprah is so fond of. I was standing in front of our bathroom mirror, in my (large!) sports bra and years-old grungy sweat pants, my hair clearly in need of the shower I was about to have, and no makeup...and I had never felt so beautiful. And not just beautiful, I felt so happy. And in awe. Because in that moment, I had my hands on my (what I think is a) perfect belly, admiring my new hard to believe shape, and he kicked.
It wasn't the first kick I'd felt by any means. I've been able to feel the little bubbly (they're not flutters at all!) movements for probably a month, and at least 2 weeks ago I started being able to feel the movements on the outside of my tummy (which is so, so much neater!). Daddy and Grampa have even gotten to feel a few boots!
But feeling him kick, in that particular moment, really rounded off this 'whole' feeling. A completeness. And I was in awe.
I was in awe of how obvious it was, what exactly was going on inside of me! Every so often I say to myself, 'Like, there is for real a real baby in there!', because its still so surreal. I was in awe of how accepting, and happy I finally was with the way I looked, too. Just round, and weird, and wonderful! I found myself wishing so hard that it would magically be 20 degrees outside, so I could run around in a bikini and let the whole world (or whoever was awake and on the streets still at 11pm) see me in my glory!
Mostly though, I was in awe because I was standing there, looking at myself actually enjoying feeling a baby moving around inside my tummy. Because 20 weeks ago, when I realized we had in fact magically succeeded in getting pregnant, I was suddenly PETRIFIED of what this baby, this experience was going to do to my panic disorder. It took me an entire trimester to get used to the idea of throwing up every day without dying from anxiety. Even after that feat, I was completely convinced that feeling the baby would destroy me.
Before the baby is big enough to be able to be felt, you don't really have to think about it! You are sick, and bloated, and exhausted, and moody so you know you're pregnant, but you don't really have to think about exactly what's going on with your body. Once it starts kicking, you can't NOT picture that weird, teeny human being living and moving amongst all your other vital organs! You can't NOT get stuck on the fact that there is a set of EYEBALLS inside your tummy! As 100% natural as being pregnant is, it is NOT normal! Lol. Not for someone like me, anyways. Not for someone who panicked every time she remembered the tiny, not-alive IUD inside of her pelvic area!
But there I was! In the dirty mirror, in my dirty sweat pants with my dirty hair, feeling my almost-son kicking me, and I was nothing but so happy. No sudden hot flash, no dizziness, no increased heart rate, no hating the fact that I can't take Ativan, just so happy. So happy, and whole, and in awe of all the things my body, and my brain, and my heart are capable of.
Regardless of the poor lighting, the towels in the background and the faucet in the foreground, and no concealer over my terrible pregnant complexion, I had no reservations over capturing that image, that moment. And sharing it with my Kingdom.
