My
dearest Boden,
One
day you will be at an age where we can talk, about real things. It
will no longer just be mom-to-child talks, we will one day have human-to-human
talks. I can't really imagine it right now, considering your verbal
vocabulary consists of 'red' and 'hot' and 'car'. And 'two'! You
can also say 'two', just in time for your Birthday! I
can't really imagine the day, and I don't
want to think that far ahead, that far from the utter glorious-ness that is our todays.
But they will happen, and you will know me for all that I
am. I want to be honest with you, because I love you and because you deserve honesty. I think honesty will save us from resenting each other when you're too old to take your cellphone away, and I have to accept I can't be the boss of you anymore. One day I will tell you about how sick I once was (yes, it will
only be part of my past by then!) and how hard I fought to survive every day. You
will get to hear about how lucky I am just to have you, and how guilty I've
felt about how much of your youngest years we spent hanging out in bed with
Disney because I couldn't handle anything more.
One
day I'll explain the mental health issues that may or may not run in our
family. You'll hopefully be shocked to know I dealt with depression,
and self harm, and that anxiety ruled me for years. You'll be
shocked because I'll always have it so under control, and even when I don't
I'll hide it well, because it's not something a child should have to worry about if they don't have to.
And
then one day I will tell you that I was a victim of sexual assault. I
will tell you that a boy In my grade 12 class took advantage of me, and that a
family friend did the same thing barely a few months later. I will
tell you, and you will be so angry. You will be so sad for me. You
will feel awkward hearing such things (I will spare you the details, I think)
but you will hug me and want to kill them, all at the same time. And
I will be so proud of you, for knowing that it's wrong and for wishing you
could fix it. Because that's how we will raise you, I promise.
We
will raise you to respect everyone, even the people you don't think deserve
your respect, because respecting them is always the safer choice. When
you take the toy another child is playing with and they tell you 'no thank
you', you will respect them. Even if it's actually your toy. When
I tell you that I don't want you to spin me in the living room chain anymore
because I will barf, lol you will respect that.
When
your teacher asks you to stop talking during a lesson, you will respect them. Even
if you already understand multiplication. You will save you silly
stories until your teacher is done, or maybe until recess, just to be safe. Then, when
a classmate says they don't want to be on your team at recess, even after
listening to your silly stories, you will respect them too.
When
your boss tells you that they better not catch you on your cell phone again,
you will respect them. Even if you were just harmlessly texting your dad and I to say you'd be working later than we'd thought.
When
your friend shows up at a party but says he doesn't want a swig of the wine you
stuck from our cupboard, you will respect him. Even if he's the one
that dared you to sneak booze from our cupboard in the first place.
And
when that super cute girl from English class tells you that she doesn't want
you to take her pants off, you will respect her. Even if she did
tell her friend who told your friend who told you, that she has a huge crush on
you. Even if she's the one who kissed you first. Even if
she's the one who suggested you go somewhere more quiet. Even if
you're the only one out of all your friends that hasn't gotten a girl's pants
off yet. Even if she's drunk and wearing a shirt that is totally
see-through. Even if you KNOW she's let other guys take her pants
off. Even if she isn't screaming 'NO!' and blowing her rape whistle. Even
if you genuinely like her and plan on calling her the next day, and hope she'll
be your girlfriend eventually.
We
will raise you to understand that you may not always make sense of why people
say or do certain things, or make certain choices, but you have to respect them
anyways. We will raise you to understand you won't always agree with
them (you don't have to agree with them), and you won't always like them (you don't have to like them), but you need to respect them anyways. Because
that's what good humans do.
Good
humans raise good humans. That is our job now, and I promise you I
will work so hard to achieve that. I promise you, and every woman,
man and child you cross paths with between now and the day you die.
Love, Mama
