Home Sweet Home

Just before the holidays arrived, Princess Georgia took a trip with King Daddy, and Prince Charming. They dined, and shopped, and enjoyed the extra sun, and the Princess also took her Prince to meet some very dear fellow friends of hers!

My parents took my brother and sister and I to Disney World, as kids. Nothing was more magical then that! Disney is like Christmas, it just draws all the love and joy out of you, and those around you, and wraps you in the warmest memories no matter what was going on the day before, or what was supposed to happen tomorrow. You can not help but be in love walking through the Disney air, and just happy, as you recognize that love in the faces of the hundreds of other families walking too. And that is why I knew from that young age, that I simply HAD to come back to the Magic Kingdom one day, with my boyfriend!

17 years ago, it's entirely likely that I assumed the boyfriend I'd return with would be Jonathon Taylor Thomas, or Zac Hanson, if I was lucky..but 17 years later, it all worked out rather perfectly. And I was right! While Disney is SO magical as a child, because everything is new, and so real, and so big...it was definitely just as magical to be strolling those streets as a 25 year old, holding hands with the love of your life. Love, and magic, on top of love and magic.

I don't care what people (my Grama, lol) say about it being a ridiculously overpriced day, and noisy, and too busy, and nothing new...it is where dreams come true. Where the glass slipper ALWAYS fits.

Florida was my first post-op vacation. My too-high expectations were slightly un-met, because I am a naturally anxious traveler, and our vacation dates matched my 'time of the month' dates, so I hurt a lot, and I didn't eat much, but I was happy. I was happy to get away, and smile, and be in love, and spend quality time, and start leaving the past few excruciating years in the past.

If only giant tricycles, and 24/7 Walmarts were more prevalent in Ontario...

Happiest holidays,

Princess Georgia

Princess Post-Op

Princess Georgia usually sleeps until the afternoon sun gets warm, but this morning there was a very persistent knock at the palace entrance. She made her way down the grand staircase, and as she got closer to the door, she was puzzled. There was a teeny, old man on the other side of the window, whom she'd never seen before. "Maybe I'm still sleeping," the Princess whispered, because she thought she knew everyone in her kingdom.

"Princess Georgia," the little man said as she slowly opened the door. "Pardon me, Sir, but who's asking?" she frowned. "Benjamin Murr, your Majesty," he answered, bowing his little back politely. Princess Georgia giggled. She knew it was propped to bow to royalty, but it still looked silly! "Can I help you, Mr. Ben?" the Princess offered. "No, my dear. I'm hear to help you."

Still puzzled, still giggling, Princess Georgia joined this mysterious guest out on the front patio.

The Princess yawned, and the man began to explain. "I am an ancient medicine man, I come from four villages over."

The Princess was excited, she'd never known anyone from so far away, because she'd never been more then one village away from home.

"I have walked day and night to bring you something." The Princess eagerly held out her hands, because what girl doesn't adore a present.

"This is not a gift you can hold in your hands, Princess. This is a gift for your body and your mind. Word has flown through the villages, of a poor Princess who has been haunted by an ugly monster. I can help you defeat him, Princess."

Princess Georgia was in awe. However, she was also skeptical. The King has had many doctors and magicians, potion makers, and army leaders working to find a way to save his little Princess. Eventually everyone came up empty handed, and the Princess grew very discouraged.

"I believe that there is something in you, that makes you easier prey for this monster," Mr. Ben began to explain, as the Princess's frown grew deeper. "If you let me run a simple test, I believe I will find something in you, that is not in others, something that makes you more vulnerable to this monster."

Princess Georgia ran to find her father, and with the King by her side, she let the medicine man preform his test.

After all the excitement, after her early morning wake-up, princess Georgia went back to sleep when the test was finished. When she awoke again, the King, and her Prince Charming were standing in her room with the medicine man. They were all smiling!

Turns out, the medicine man found a seed of sickness deep inside the Princess's tummy. It was that hidden illness that made the Princess easier for the Anxiety Monster to attack, versus a villager who didn't have the illness.

"This man was able to fix your illness, Princess," her father exclaimed.

"Once you heal, it is going to be much, much harder for that monster to haunt you, Princess," the medicine man explained. "I can not promise that you will never see that monster ever again, but I can promise that you will be so much stronger, the next time you need to fight him off."

The Princess smiled a sleepy smile. This was the first real answer anyone had been able to give her, about her battle with the Anxiety Monster. She had been fighting him for ages, and now someone was promising her, it'll get better. Imagine that! Princess Georgia hugged the tiny man, and as she watched him begin his long journey back, she realized she felt stronger already.

And I do feel better. I realize that most of it is because mentally I am more at peace over what's been going on inside my body. Going in for surgery has given me a straight answer, and more then anything, that's what I've been hoping for. My anxiety has always been heavily triggered by abdominal pain and nausea, and thanks to surgery, I now know what has been causing those symptoms.

When I went in for my post-op follow-up, the surgeon gave me an overdue, official Endometriosis diagnosis. TA-DA!!

Surgery was more then I had anticipated. Considering my history of anxious thinking, I'm still not sure why I was so sure it was no big deal at all, when I first scheduled it. I've had plenty of procedures in the hospital before, all which required IVs, so I figured I was a seasoned pro! But surgery is really quite different then a procedure. It was overwhelming.

I woke up 3 hours earlier then I needed to, and sat in bed watching TV, and starving! It was probably the best thing I could have done though, because I was SO tired by the time I got to the hospital, I practically slept through all the anxious waiting that you do before they finally take you away. Plus, my daddy was there! He had dropped me off at the main hospital doors, and hugged me lots, but had to leave because he had meetings to get to. Then, as I was giving the check-in nurses my information, he came running in! For almost an hour he sat in my little curtained room, making me laugh, and forget about the needles and slicing. I think that's what I will always remember most about the entire experience. That, and my boyfriend washing my hair and giving me a bath, because getting in the shower seemed terrifying!


I was surprisingly calm while waiting to go in, and go under (Well, I was allowed to take an Ativan, so), but when I woke up a few hours later, all I could do was cry. Including the removal of my wisdom teeth, I've been put under 3 times, but when someone is cutting into your body, they put you OUT! Being drunk or being high, feeling like I'm not in complete control of my own body, has made me extremely nervous over the last few years, so waking up in recovery prettyyy out of it, was scary to say the least. I remember the post-op nurse telling me 'deep breaths' and then she gave me a cookie. At the time I thought that was hysterical.

I napped when I got home, after a girlfriend brought me flowers, and then, since the original IV drugs were still very much in my system lol, I made my boyfriend take me to the grocery store for juice and goldfishes. The next morning, however? Waiting for the T3s to kick in, it felt as though I'd just done sit-ups for 24 hours straight, been STABBED in the bellybutton, and then had each of my ribs broken. Overwhelllllllmed.


I cried a lot! And was confused a lot, because once the bandages came off, turns out it was the teeniest incisions that were causing all that pain. But it was all worth it. Thank geezes!

The surgeon told us that while he was in there, he was actually able to remove most of the current Endometrial implants (found on my uterus and bladder)! Those stupid little cells that had caused me SO much agony..gone! That alone made it all worth it. I won't have to go back in for another surgery now, not any time soon.

To curb future growths/symptoms, I've been put on Demulen, which is a high-progesterone form of birth control.

I originally thought that Endo just grew and put pressure on your other organs, and that that's where the symptoms come from. BUT the cells inside the uterus swell and shrink according to our hormones during our cycle..and the same happens to the cells magically growing outside of the uterus. It's that swelling and shrinking that causes the pain and nausea.

Demulen puts your body into a pseudo pregnancy, and therefore arrests your cycle..arresting the growth and symptoms. The drug is supposed to be helpful enough that I can take it normally (21 days on, 7 days off for a period). Unless the symptoms are still too bad after the next 2 months, he doesn't recommend a patient taking the birth control continuously (skipping a period) for an extended period of time. If you go without a cycle for say 6 months, when you eventually go off it (to get pregnant etc) your period and the symptoms can come back with a vengeance. It can also become harder and harder to un-arrest your cycle, making it harder and harder to get pregnant.

Treatment will remain as simple as possible. Because I'm still so young, and I WANT A BABY!! If this works, once I've had my kids and I'm 35+ we can look further into other more permanent treatments/surgeries.

I know this isn't the end of The Anxiety Monster. I do however think that this is a happy ending to that first very..very long chapter. And I have a feeling that chapter two is going to be far less exciting.

Dear Jorja,

YOU GOT THIS.

Deep breaths, and you got this!

This is a good thing, you know it is. This is something we have wanted, and fought for! This is something that will bring years of wondering to an end. And if the results aren't positive for this particular disease, we'll at least we know for sure one more thing that it isn't, right? It'll be uncomfortable, and you'll be nervous, but it'll be over before you know it, and then you'll get some damn answers. And that's the whole point!

Besides all that, here are some reassuring points to keep in mind tomorrow morning:

1. We have Ativan!!

2. You have been through the day surgery process, already, a few times. You know how things go when you arrive, and while you're waiting, so there's no need to panic over that! And while this hospital stay will last a lot longer then the last, and while the recovery process may feel disgusting..you get drugs for that too!

3. This gyno surgeon is well loved, and recommended because he is so good

4. They will have taken your measurements a total of 3 times, so there's no way they will give you insufficient anesthesia and there's no way you'll wake up mid-surgery and have a heart attack and die

5. As a matter of fact, only 4 out of 1000 laparoscopic surgery patients suffer from complications (sometimes fatal), and for sure 4 people out of the last 999 have died already.

6. If there are complications, you can probably sue someone for a ton of money. If there are fatal complications, your parents can sue, and you'll have the fanciest funeral ever!

7. You have a fridge full of Jello and Snapple to come home to, and a freshly washed bed

8. You'll be too distracted by all the texts from all your friends and family to even notice how much pain you're in once you get home!

9. Prince Charming is very eager to keep you company through recovery, even if you're puking, and King Daddy has already dealt with you at you're sickest, so he's prepared too!

10. Oh! You'll be able to find out finally, whether or not you can have babies!

11. People will feel bad for you, and bring you presents (cash is preferred, but teddy bears and soup will be appreciated also)

12. At least you're not being fired from your job for taking a whole week and a half off!

13. At least you're not a US citizen and are going to be flat-broke when you wake up again...

14. At least it's not open heart surgery, or one of those AWAKE brain surgeries that McDreamy loves so much. Oh! When you wake up there will be a brand new episode of Greys downloaded to watch!

Ok, that's enough. I'm tired now.

Keep breathing slowly, make sarcastic jokes when you get too nervous, warn the IV nurse that she only gets one try at your arm, and you'll be laughing one day soon over how worked up you were over practically nothing. Promise!

Ok. Maybe not LAUGHING. But you'll be proud you went through with it, and you'll be EVEN braver for the next time. Can't complain about that!

Now get to sleep before the hunger pains drive you insane :)

Love,
Princess Georgia

...And Nothing But The Truth

My boyfriend turned on the most fantastic Two and a Half Men episode, thisaft!

Mostly the fantastic-factor came from the fact that Ashton Kutcher's new character was drinking PEACH Snapple. AND through a straw!

The theme of the show however, was honesty. And while the characters did a very decent job at proving that you actually shouldn't tell the WHOLE truth ALL the time, it reminded me of a good point I wanted to type about.

I've learned an important lesson this week: When it comes to your health and your well being, you need to be completely honest. Honest with yourself, and honest with those around you.

I've been feeling better! Over the last while, I've been more confident, more happy, and I've been keeping my anxiety fairly in check. I'm also on the brink of buying a home with the man I love, and homes aren't cheap! So! I found myself a second job.

I was hired as an assistant at the coziest little salon, downtown. The owner is utterly adorable, the staff is very inclusive, and the atmosphere feels like home. Perfect for me, no?

Then the hours grew, and my salon shifts were on days when I'd be working another 6 hours at the bar afterwards. I tried it for a few days, and worse then how emotional and exhausted I was when I finally got home at 3am, was how anxious I was growing the night before a double shift.

I woke up this Monday morning, feeling overwhelmed, which was a little surprising since we were just finishing a relaxing weekend at the cottage. As the day went on though, I became more and more stressed over impending tomorrow. I was stressing over getting enough sleep (or being able to sleep at all!), waking up early enough so that I had time to calm down, and about leaving on time with all that I needed to get through the entire day/night. The biggest stressor was knowing that I had to not only be away from my home for 14 hours I had to be ok enough to be productive and smiley for 14 hours.

Welp! Needless to say I had a small break down that night. First it was a rush to the bathroom after dance class, where I overheated and kept from crying by texting my friend who was waiting for me in the car. When I got home though, there was no stopping it.

I cry-texted my friend, and then cried to my boyfriend about how I couldn't handle it. And then I cried more, because I sounded like such a frigging wimp. People go through hurricanes and family deaths, and cancer, and I'm crying because I can't handle a second part time job.

When I calmed down though, and realized my boyfriend wouldn't leave me, and my dad wouldn't be disappointed in me..I realized something. It takes a shit load of courage to ADMIT that you can't handle something. It takes a shot load of self-awareness to know your own limits, and a shit load of courage to admit when you've reached them.

It's the smart thing to do, too. You can get caught up in being proud, and if that had been the choice I made, I'd be sick to my stomach with stress right now.

Likely, part of the reason I feel ok enough to wrote this, is because of the response I got from my new boss when I let her know what was going on. As someone who has spent years dealing with a mental illness, I've experienced my fair share of bullies, and nay-sayers, and people who either think I'm just make-believing excuses, or people who start treating you like some fragile nut case, once you explain the truth. But my employer understood.

She was disappointed, because I was 'a perfect fit' for her establishment and she loved my company, but she understood. And in the end she offered me a few hours on a day when I didn't already work my first job. "I'd love to have you then, if you think it would work for you," she said. "Let me know, and please be honest with me, and with yourself."

By being honest, you are looking out for your own well being. Only YOU know what YOU feel, and what YOU can handle. And if someone truly cares about you, they will understand, because they want what's best for you too. And if they don't, well, they're not worth your time anyways. Kapeesh?

#Preach

Last Tuesday..

Working where I work, I hear many exciting 'conversations' between the security staff and our customers. That's a given. And it's why I don't fall asleep some nights! Tonight however, a whole new level exciting.

There's a girl here, just a regular girl, who needs the Amateur Night cash prize. That's no shocker. But the brain inside her head? Geezes.

She's a frigging ball of energy. "POSITIVE energy," she said very confidently. And she wasn't lying.

One of our bouncers made the mistake of DOUBTING that her energy was contagious, and the excitement ensued. She said that if you spend enough time with her, you'll be all smiles too, and he said that would be impossible. She pointed out that if you're a generally angry person, and you've allowed yourself to get comfortable in your angriness, then you're obviously less susceptible to other's happiness.

Then she mentioned the point that 'everyone is equal' and he refuted that point, too. And while he is entirely entitled to his opinion, she went OFF, and with such conviction!

"It's people like you, who believe society when they say that everyone belongs in one box or another, that KEEP us in those boxes!" He said that economy, and race separates us naturally, and she said that they don't need to. He didn't believe her when she answered yes to, "So if there was a dirty homeless guy standing next to me, you'd talk to us both the same, and give him just as much of your POSITIVE ENERGY?" But I believed her.

He defended himself by saying that he fought freedom and equality (He did fight in Afghanistan, and bless him for that), and she said the most profound thing you'll ever hear in a strip club. Not only is she confident and convicted enough to be debating someone she just met, and an 'authority' figure, she said "Well then you lost! You lost that war regardless, if you came back still believing that certain people belong in certain categories and should be treated as such!"

Segregation is an UNWRITTEN rule, one that people follow because society tells us to, but one that we can't legally be punished for breaking.

Maybe it's one of those, 'You had to be there' situations..but I'm still covered in this feeling of IMPRESSED. I felt the same way she did, but I don't know if I'd ever be confident enough to shove it in some (practical) stranger's face. Plus, I work here so I feel the need to be quiet, and well-mannered, unlike her, who told a guy, "When you're getting to admire hot, naked women all night, the last thing you should be doing is complaining about a $5 cover charge!"

My hero. Lol

I need to start yelling more.

Kind of makes me miss the college classes full of heated debates. I need more well-spoken, intelligent, strong-minded folk in my life.

CBT

Over the summer I visited St. Joes hospital for a long-awaited seat in their highly recommended Panic and Anxiety Clinic, and I am very grateful.

I was deemed 'recommended for private care' (aka nuts enough to need one-on-one treatment, lol) and spent several hours, over several weeks with a really wonderful doctor. My therapy was CBT, and focused on my phobia of being physically ill.

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy is based on the scientific belief that panic and anxiety are learned behaviors, that can be un-learned.

When I had my first few major attacks years ago, it became more and more easy to work myself into another attack. If I feel myself overheating, or my stomach getting really upset, or I get dizzy, I automatically remembered that I felt those symptoms during my first attacks, and therefor assume that I must be about to suffer another attack now. CBT teaches me to look at these symptoms in a more logical and realistic way, thus relieving the chance of winding up in another attack.

People suffering from panic and/or anxiety tend to become people of avoidance. I once had a horrifying attack at my boyfriend's cottage, so for a long time I didn't want to go back there. I once got very sick after drinking chocolate milk, so I stopped drinking it for a long time (even though it was the FLU that made me sick, not the milk). People with social anxieties avoid shopping malls, long lines in the grocery store, and only go to the park when it's late, and less busy.

This is where CBT's sharpest tool comes into play.

Exposure Therapy.

Exposure therapy is based on the belief that our fears come from our negative experiences, and that if we can make more positive experiences around the same things, our level of fear will decrease. Therapists came up with the idea of a list that would allow people to gather their fears or things that make them anxious, which would help make overcoming these fears easier.

The Hierarchy of Fears is a list that patients make (that ANYONE can, and very well should make) that lists all the things that make us most anxious, or things that we avoid because of our anxiety. After compiling my list (which continues to change, things are discovered and added, or other things become less important), my doctor and I spent time rating each fear/avoidance. From 1-100 we rated how great my fear was of that 'item' on the list, and then we rated how greatly I avoid it.

Ex. "Flying a plane, for leisure reasons"
Fear: 85 (I hate it)
Avoidance: 95 (so I avoid it whenever possible!)

My list is 17 items long, and the next step is to attack them!

Starting with an item that is rated the lowest (not AS fearful of it, don't avoid it AS much), you slowly begin to expose yourself to that certain thing. The belief is that the more you are exposed, the more normal this thing or this situation will become, and then the less fearful you will be of it.

Ex. Someone with a social anxiety may list "Grocery shopping" as an item, and rate their fear 90, and their avoidance 100. Exposure therapy would suggest this person slowly exposing themselves to the experience of grocery shopping. First they may try writing a grocery list. The next day they may attempt to drive past the grocery store, then if that goes well, they would try walking past the grocery store next time. After that, their fear and avoidance of grocery shopping should decrease a little, so next time they would try walking into the store, and staying for 1..3..5 minutes! The idea is, after that exposure (possibly repeated exposure) the patients fear and avoidance has decreased to the point where they can start feeling more confident in their abilities to survive the situation. Eventually this patient isn't even concerned about making it to the Express checkout lane...they're confident enough to take their 25 items and wait their turn in the long line! (Ideally!)

The idea is that the more you expose yourself, the better your chances or having positive experiences regarding that item on your list And when comparing all your positive experiences to that ONE time you went grocery shopping and became overwhelmed and had a panic attack in the middle of the cereal isle...you'll grow more confident in your ability to grocery shop without any anxious occurrences.

My private CBT sessions have come to an end, but in order to keep active in my recovery, and remain conscious of my progress, I have decided to post one of my Hierarchy items, one blog entry at a time, and openly discuss my fluctuating fear and avoidance levels, and what steps I am taking to become more confident is such situations. TA-DA!

Well, that's the goal anyways. It appears I have become a lazy blogger, lately.

It's unlikely I will burden my entire Facebook list with all these blog 'shares', so if for some odd reason you are interested in keeping up with my work, please feel free to 'follow' my blog, or check back every now and again, anxietyslayer.blogspot.com

Ps. It could also, easily, stand for Cool Bitch Therapy. Any other suggestions?

In case you didn't know..

Princess Georgia has a brother.

That makes him a Prince!

Prince Wills.

While the Princess has her Prince Charming, whom she loved with all her heart, her brother was the most important Prince in the Kingdom.

Actually, he no longer resided in her Kingdom. Prince Wills was a brave Prince, brave enough to leave the safety and the luxury of the King's castle, and find his own Kingdom.

Everybody knew the King was the most wonderful man in the land, and Prince Charming was the most hardworking, and handsomest Prince she'd ever laid eyes on, but Princess Georgia's brother was the bravest Prince.

He goes out on long journeys alone, fending for himself, fighting off the less-then-kind villagers along the way. Prince Wills always remains giving, even when receiving nothing in return, and he is always loyal to the Princesses in his life. One day he will find a Princess worthy of being his wife!

It's hard to imagine a Princess kind, and giving, and witty enough to be worthy of her brother, but Princess Georgia knows it will happen! (Because there aren't many Princes out there, as magnificent as Prince Wills.)