Breakdowns and Throughs

I believe good crys, are good for everyone. I believe it's healthy, and necessary at least every once and a while. I believe that little tickle that starts in your nose, or the back of your throat and grows into a stinging in your eyes, is our body's way of telling us, something inside hurts, and needs out.

Some times I feel like a big fat baby for crying. Ok, USUALLY I feel like a big fat baby! But there are sometimes where I feel brave, letting the tears out. Some of us have been taught, either through generations or by past ridicules, that tears should be kept inside and if they try to escape, we are to blink them off and suck it up, and continue on with our perfectly lovely day.

I wasn't taught anything about tears. My tears taught me! They taught me keeping them hostage only makes them grow bigger and wetter, and multiply until your head is so heavy and your heart is so tired that you can't stand up. They also taught me that if you keep them hostage, eventually they will explode out of you. As will all the snot you've been trying to discreetly sniffle away..

For me anyways, it just feels good to let them out as they come. They're there for a reason..whether you're alone in a bathroom having what's likely your 200th panic attack and you're just depressed, or because you smashed your toes off the stupid coffee table, again!

Sometimes the crying comes, and it refuses to stop coming. Those are referred to as breakdowns. You cry and you cry and then you subconsciously think of something else to cry over so you cry some more, and then you're so depressed and pissed off that THIS is what your Friday night has become, so you cry a few self-pitty tears, and then you realize there are far worse things in life then panic attacks like WAR and RAPE and OIL-COVERED-BIRDIES and so you cry for those effected by war, and those who have been raped, and those poor little birdies who never did anything to that big oil company..and eventually you're left crying because your body is so exhausted, it doesn't know what else to do but cry.

Sometimes however, if we are lucky, breakthroughs follow the breakdown. (Sometimes another breakdown follows the breakthrough that followed the original breakdown.)

Princess Georgia had one of these post-down breakthroughs. While sitting on that hideaway floor, furious that the Monster had to come get her just as she was getting ready to go off to a royal ball, she realized something about another something that had been bothering her. It was a something that was likely making her easy prey for the Anxiety Monster.

Princess Georgia had recently found out that her very greatest friend in the whole wide kingdom was soon to be married to a prince of her own! He was no Prince Charming, but Princess Georgia was thrilled for her friend, unconditionally. As soon as she had heard the news, thoughts of the parties she was going to host for the bride-to-be floated through her mind. She dreamed of the dresses the ladies would wear standing next to her bride best friend while she was wed to the love of her life. Princess Georgia could not wait to be part of what would be the most special day in her dear friend's life.

However, when Princess Georgia finally gathered the nerve to ask her friend all about the wedding plans, she learned that she would not be next to her while she said her "I do". She wouldn't even be next to the person next to her best friend..or next to THAT person. She was a Princess, but she would be sitting amongst the rest of the common folk, just watching, and not being.

Princess Georgia was heartbroken. There was a once-upon-a-time that she had fallen in love with a different prince, years ago, and eventually realized that she loved him far more then he ever loved her. And that is a devastating feeling. Worse though, is feeling as though you love a friend more then they love you. That you give, more then you ever receive from some of the most important people in your life.

After this latest breakdown on her hiding spot floor, Princess Georgia had a breakthrough! Could it be that her dearest friend does in fact love her just as much, but was too worried to ask her to be part of her wedding day? She could be too worried that she wouldn't be able to count on the Princess.

And Princess Georgia would understand that. Who wants to risk their perfect romantic day on someone who is always off hiding? Many townspeople still believed that the Anxiety Monster only attacked the weak. Perhaps her friend also believed this. It would be justified, as Princess Georgia had already missed royal parties, and gorgeous galas because she had been forced to lock herself away in her hiding spot, yet again.

(Breakthroughs are good, but they don't always make us happier, necessarily.)

Princess Georgia wants to be someone that her townspeople can look up to, and count on to rule the Kingdom if she were ever called upon. She wants her Kingdom to trust that she will do whatever it takes to keep them safe, and prospering.

I want to be a person that others can count on. I'm the one they come to when they need someone to talk to, to listen and give sound advice! But I want people to be able to count on me too. I don't want to be the person who calls in sick every other day, and bails on Friday night plans because of panic.

I want to be someone that others can count on to live up to their expectations, and succeed. I want to be someone that others aren't afraid to trust with important, special business, just because I have Acute Panic Disorder.

Hope Floats

It's tough, not to get overly excited when I wake up after a disruption-free, sweaty, dreamy sleep. I once went 7 whole days without sleeping or eating, barely moving and hallucinating. An entire week of my life was spent spinning through a cycle 'getting sick makes me anxious-being anxious makes me sick-getting sick makes me anxious'...etc. So when I wake up at noon and realize it is indeed the first time I've waken up since laying down to go to sleep, it's really tough not to get my hopes up. Especially when I have 2 or 3 or 4 disruption-free, sweaty, dreamy sleeps in a row.

But I do. I always do. It's what I do..I get my hopes up.

Hope is good. It really is. Hope heals! But when hope gets too high, it's simply further to fall, when something knocks you back down.

Princess Georgia was having the most wonderful week! She had spent time with Prince Charming, chasing butterflies in the park, and she had spent time with King Daddy laughing secretly through royal court proceedings which he had to preside! The Princess had spent time with her Princess Sister! She volunteered with her friends from around the village to raise money for sick children (because no matter how much she had been suffering, Princess Georgia always wanted to make life better for others) and even got to spend time with her long-lost Prince brother, and meet his very own Princess! The weather was beautiful, and Princess Georgia was feeling beautiful again.

Perhaps that's the Anxiety Monster's master plan..to wait until the Princess is well recovering, and finding her smiles again, to come back for an attack. The higher the Princess is on her pretty Princess pedestal, the more hurt he could cause when knocking her down yet again.

It's a decent plan, I suppose. Want to REALLY hurt someone? Wait until they are just starting to love life again, just starting to feel confident and hopeful, and THEN attack. Some kick you while you're down, but often being kicked while you're high, hurts more.

I could look at the situation as 'half full' though. I could count my blessings and be thankful for the few good sleeps I got before tonight's attack.

Princess Georgia could count her blessings and be thankful that her stomach didn't summon the Anxiety Monster until she had been able to enjoy a few days dancing in the courtyard before having to run and hide again.

After 3 hours sleep, and the need for an Ativan, am I thankful, or am I bitter? We should all be thankful for the good things in life, even if those things only last a day or two in between awful moments. But sometimes bitterness can drive the force to fight even harder next time.

3 hours of sleep is not enough to make me feel equipped to answer such questions at this time. I can say however,

"Happy Father's Day, King Daddy!"

Mood Disorder Support Group of Guelph

The light at the end of a tunnel..it's a tattoo I have, to illustrate
my hopefulness. I got it a little while ago, and since then my
hopefulness has been tested. Ok, at times my hopefulness has been
chucked out the fucking window while driving 200 miles an hour down a
highway.

But it's back. I've found it again. And I'm holding on for dear life.
Hopefulness and confidence that I will come out on TOP of this giant
pile of crap.

Princess Georgia found a place..a place where everyone who's been at
the mercy of the Anxiety Monster, can safely meet. The Monster doesn’t
come to these meetings. He can't. He's a coward and only attacks its
victims when he knows they're all alone.

These secret meetings keep the towns people from being alone in
between attacks. It's a place where His victims can sit in a circle to
talk, relate, and spread hope amongst each other. It's also a place to
instill fear in the minds of the survivor's most loved ones.

Princess Georgia invited Prince Charming to come to this meeting with
her, because she was scared to go alone. Of course he agreed to go with
her, that's why he's Prince Charming. Unfortunately, hearing the
stories around the circle made Prince Charming worry. Logically so.

Princess Georgia was the youngest in the circle. The youngest by far.
It was a shock to her, and her Prince to realize that there were
people 20 years ahead of them, STILL being attacked, STILL without a
way to make sure the Monster never came back to get them. There were
people in the group who were married with children and important
jobs..and they were still being attacked.

Princess Georgia never had a doubt that Prince Charming was going to
be the one she'd live happily ever after with. After finding this
group though, she was now worried, that her Prince would be worried.

He had been taking care of her for so long already, and had also been
taking care of all those in the kingdom that needed him. He loved
protecting the Princess, but like any normal Prince, he didn't picture
himself having to come to her rescue after the Monster had attacked
her, 10 years down the road. And Princess Georgia didn't want her
Prince to have to endure her war THAT much longer either.

Princess Georgia now has to convince Prince Charming that she was only
going to continue getting stronger, and that she will find a way to
BEAT the Anxiety Monster. She also had to convince herself.

The group meeting was good, informative, and comfortable. A true test
of hope and confidence, though. It's intimidating to know that people
twice my age still dealing with this disorder. I don't want to be on
my bathroom floor crying and shaking when I'm 48 and trying to put
kids through college. I don't want my husband to have to rock me to
sleep when we're on the verge of grandchildren.

I'm hopeful that I will find myself in a day where I don't even think
twice about how my body is feeling. I'm hopeful that I will find
myself in a day where I don't need a magical pill as a backup in my
purse. I am hopeful!

I'm also not CURRENTLY in the midst of a gut-retching, overheating, shaking,
crying attack. Soooo when that time comes again (and unfortunately, I
know there will still be an again) I may want to reassess. We'll see.

It may be a whisper..

..But I still hear it.

Often the longest hours in life are those between something happening, and figuring out WHY it's happened. Why it keeps happening.

Someone read my Blog, and it meant something to them.

I cant say for 100% sure that that justifies my Panic Disorder..it doesn't stop an attack, but it's a special feeling to know someone out there has read my words and actually, graciously digested them.

Princess Georgia thanks you for reading, and for making it comfy enough to share her ugly, cry-baby words.

"I'll survive this one..I survived the last one..and I'll survive the next. Promise!"

Hear'ye! Hear'ye!

There is always a lengthy agenda to attend to during town meetings in Princess Georgia's kingdom. Everyone discusses what flowers to plant in the main garden this season, what food will be served at the next grad ball, review the sizing laws for the carts in the town marketplace, and what new books will be added to the school library. This particular town meeting was different though, it was special for Princess Georgia.

A lady came up to Princess Georgia and asked if they could sit and talk. This lady wanted to tell the Princess that she wasn't alone. This lady had heard of the war Princess Georgia was engaged in with the Anxiety Monster, and wanted the Princess to know how strong and brave she thought she was. She also wanted the Princess to know that there were others in the kingdom who had been attacked by the Monster!

This came as a shock the Princess. She wasn't the only one under attack! This Monster didn't just terrorize small princess. When Princess Georgia was lucky enough to feel healthy and happy enough to go out and have fun with her friends, it was because the Anxiety Monther was off attacking someone else! Gardeners, bakers, bus drivers, teachers... The monster wasn't after just her.

But that doesn't mean she's not still all alone when the Monster finds her. When he discovers where she's hiding, it's just Princess Georgia and the Anxiety Monster. She has to fight him off all by herself, or at least escape to her favorite hiding spot, where she still has to wait all by herself.

When the current fight is over, and hiding is no longer necessary however, that's when it's nice to know there are others out there who have been fighting and hiding on their own, too.

I would never wish THIS on anyone. There are people in jail who don't deserve to suffer through what I am suffering through...no one DESERVES to suffer through what I am suffering through. But they do. Others do suffer, and it's a small comfort to know that I'm not alone. Not in this moment anyways. When my stomach stops rotting, and my bowels un-knot themselves, and my heart slows down, and my muscles unclench, and my lungs give me some air back...I get to think about the others who have to go through what do, and feel like I do. I'm thankful for them. I'm sad for them, but thankful and empowered by them.

My army may just be one, just me, but when I get a minute to retire my armor and stretch me legs (and get some fucking sleep), I also get to take comfort in knowing that I'm not alone in this minute. In this minute, there are others letting go, taking long deep breaths again, and thanking whatever god for some time off to just live.

In this moment, others townspeople are exclaiming; the more she fights and grapples with the Anxiety Monster, the more beautiful and confident Princess Georgia will become.

The Power of Love

She is up all night remembering how she slept so soundly next to Prince Charming just a night ago. No drug or number of knights standing guard outside her door, give her the sense of safety and peace as her Prince does while he is snoring softly.

All Hail..

He is big and strong. He is patient. He is a hard worker, and he does what needs to be done to provide for those who depend on him. He is selfless, and confident. He is brave. He is well respected. He makes everyone smile. He rules with a firm, but fair hand.

THAT is why the kingdom, and the surrounding villages believe he is a true king. Princess Georgia has a different theory, however. Or something else to add to his list of beautiful traits, at least.

She was hiding in her favorite spot, devastated. The Anxiety Monster had been at it for over an hour. She held her head in her hands as the monster attacked, and punished, and terrorized her. Princess Georgia was becoming increasingly exhausted, but she knew, everyone knows, only she can fight off the monster. There is an army of people wanting to rush the gates and bring the monster to justice, put him away for hurting their Princess, but once the attacks start, Princess Georgia must close the door behind her, and fight on her own. An army of one, with a war that devastates the whole surrounding world.

After one particular battle, one that lasted far too long, and stole far too much energy and confidence and will from the Princess, she gathered her things, her panic weapons, and opened the shelter door as quietly as possible. The Princess hates being alone with the Monster, but she also hates to disturb anyone else in the midst of it.

The Princess was heading back to her room, when the King stepped out of the shadows. He knows that he can not slay this beast for his daughter, no matter how badly he wants to, but what he can do, is surprise her with support and company while she recovers from her latest beating. The King knows he can not banish this monster, as he has other monsters, but he can wait for the Princess with open arms, and the promise that everything will be ok. Without a Queen in the castle, King Daddy is the one left to clean up after the Princess is ill. He has had to learn to take care of a child, while also being responsible for the care of a village more.

He is the only one that can make the Princess smile while she is still trying to catch her breath, and rub her back until the shaking stops. To Princess Georgia, THAT is why he is a good king. He just knows. What to do and what to say. And Princess Georgia hopes that he knows, that is enough for her, that is all she needs to keep surviving, attack after attack.

He is the greatest King. The greatest Daddy.