The Prince of Princes

For the last few months there has been a lady from China living with us, at dad's house.  She's a professor and was brought here to do research at the university.  She is leaving at the end of this month, and as a thank you for our hospitality, she took us to a restaurant she found that serves traditional Chinese style food.

We all sat around a table with a big pot of soup in the middle, and when the soup boils, you add in you pick of raw meats and veggies, and noodles etc.  With options like 'black fungus', calf stomach, and quail eggs, it's safe for you to assume that MY plate did not end up being worth the all-you-can-eat price tag.  Because my Endometriosis is more under control, my stomach feels better in general, and my current weight (compared to what I weighed 18 months ago) is a good indicator of a decent appetite, but it is still not at all an adventurous stomach!  I stuck to boiling corn and broccoli, and fake crab.

Nonetheless my insides were pissed off.  I think just looking at the plates of raw chicken, and shrimps with eyes still in their heads made my guts anxious.  So once we were finally on our way home (the Chinese appreciate taking their time to digest at the table, and drink tea very slowly, apparently), I text my boyfriend and told him to please make sure our bathroom would be unoccupied, so it could be all mine or a while.

This is what I came home to...

#tummytroubles #hegetsit #candlelitpoo 

 

I'm (Almost) Completely Joking, By The Way

I was planning on finishing and posting this a few nights ago, but then I got distracted by Google. And painting my nails. And season two of Brothers & Sisters...

I saw Dark Skies tonight, and was completely impressed. Not only are Kerri Russell and her teeny boobs still adorable and great to watch, but the Weinstein brothers managed to (help) create an alien movie that was actually scary, and realistic-seeming. More often then not, an ET flick is just ruined the moment the audience actually sees the space creature. I remember being enthralled by Signs, and Mel Gibson, years ago. It was suspenseful and interesting, and so eerie, and then all of a sudden there's this giant blue alien on the TV! I probably said 'wtf' out loud. 

Dark Skies (while I still don't fully understand the title because it was never darker then usual), never lost my attention. The 'possessed' creepy kids seemed realistic, the 'facts' that were discovered were completely 'holy crap!'-worthy, and the physical presence of these extra terrestrials (actually called 'Greys'..because all things Greys are great), was perfect. They were dark and shadowy, they did have big light bulb heads...more movies should trust that the human mind will easily create all the scariness that is required! Plus the ending wasn't horrible!

The movie got me thinking though...

I've always had a thing for aliens. And I'm SO glad that aliens are apparently the new vampires, as far as cinema goes this year. Is it strange to not feel that I have enough personal proof to believe in God, but I have a kind of hopeless romantic belief in ALIENS regardless? 

I have this vivid recollection of a dream (or WAS it a dream?!) where I was walking through a giant open field, it was dusky out, up to what appeared to be a spaceship. Like a saucer. And there were lights flashing all around the outside. And when I touched the ship with both my hands, I could get the lights to pause, but if I touched it with just one hand, the lights would continue flashing. Or was it the other way around? The lights were glowing constantly, but when I used both hands to touch the ship they started flashing, and if I only touched it with one hand, nothing would change. Not important! The vivid bit is a moment where I was testing out the lights, and put only one hand on the ship, but a second later the lights started flashing...but they shouldn't be flashing...because I only had one hand on it...so I slowly turned to my right...and next to my hand...was a long, thin, grey hand...and attached to that hand was a tall, thin, grey creature!

The alien smarty pants in the movie claimed that dreams about aliens, are often our brains way of reminding us of things that ACTUALLY happened. Dum dum dum...


Also! According to Wikipedia, typical claims from 'Experiencers' (abductees) involve being subjected to a forced medical examination that emphasizes their reproductive system. Hello! 

I have come across forums full of people claiming to have been abducted, as well as people who have bared witness to someone being abducted. In both cases, the abductee is described as losing the ability to control muscular movement, dizziness/faintness, blurred vision, pounding heart beat, slurred speech, sometimes physical illness (vomiting etc), and a general sense of confusion and doom. 

So. Basically. In conclusion, it is entirely possible that Endometriosis is just a made up name created in haste for a reproductive condition that has an unknown origin or cure, because scientists refuse to accept that it comes from outer space, and panic attacks are not part of an elaborate mental disorder, but instead an overlook-able sign that we have actually been abducted by aliens in the past.

Ta da! Mystery solved!

Now I just need to accept that if I never get better, it's at least in the name of extra terrestrial science. 

Mental Illness Awareness Week

Now is the time, annually, that we take a slightly deeper interest in mental health. A girlfriend's well-worded blog post on the subject (http://liveitactive.wordpress.com/2013/02/12/lets-talk-about-mental-illness/) reminded me that I had to type too. 

Every year since I began suffering with a mental illness (a good 11 years now), I do feel and believe that the situation as a whole has gotten better. I do feel and believe that the world as a whole has grown more excepting, at least more tolerant of mental illness, and more aware of the importance of mental health. But mental illness is a tough thing to label, describe, and be empathetic about, so there is still so much progress that can be made. So much potential. 

Like my friend, I believe the best thing we can do for this disease, is let the world know about it. We have hundreds of drugs, and specialists, and treatment options, but not awareness. Like so many perfectly normal things in this world, mental illness still comes off as being taboo, an embarrassing handicap. This mindset leads us to denial, and by the time we start rounding 30 years old..we should all have had some experience with where denial really gets us!

Besides sever eating disorder cases, a mental illness is an invisible illness, which makes it understandably harder for outsiders to understand, or recognize. When high school friends are shocked to learn that I was diagnosed with depression in my early teens, or when coworkers are shocked to discover that I still fight daily with my anxiety, it is the greatest testament to my likely Oscar-worthy acting skills! (Thank you very much!). No one knows (knew) what I was dealing with because I'm good at hiding it (often the hiding is subconscious, and just happens naturally). When I show up to work with bags under my eyes, it's assumed I was working late, or partying late...not up all night with a gut-wrenching panic attack. Panic attacks aren't nearly as every-day normal as getting shitfaced and dancing until 3am on a Wednesday...so why would anyone assume correctly? We notice a friend is extra moody today, and we assume she must have had a fight with her on again-off again boyfriend, again, not that she's actually suffering from clinical depression and hasn't quite found a medication that works well enough for her. 

I've had the luxury of being surrounded by good, accepting people, and being raised to be confident, so it's easier for me to be an open book, where I am in my life now. Panic attacks happen, I see my pharmacist once a month, I cry like a fucking baby sometimes, and Ativan is a gift from god. Those are simple facts to me, but not to everyone. And I understand that side of things as well. 

When I first started dealing with my anxiety (because clinical depression wasn't enough for one little woman to deal with..not to mention the overwhelming physical illness..), I was never in denial, but I was embarrassed. I was 25 and while friends were entering careers and getting married and buying homes and making babies, I was living at home, forced to be unemployed, and feeling utterly pathetic. I got very good, for a while, at avoiding that stupid 'what have you been up to?' conversation when running into an old friend randomly. Then I realized just how different my life would be, had I felt comfortable enough to tell my friends and family about my depression when I was in high school. I realized how much it would have helped, if I could have been my real, honest self, and still felt normal and cool. That's when this blog started! I decided it was perfectly ok for me to type, and discuss, and joke about my personal mental illness(es), all the while hoping that it may help others feel perfectly ok to do so too. Because it should be. 

One day, depression (and anxiety, bipolar, Aspergers, agoraphobia, manic depression, OCD, etc.) will be seen the way cancer is seen. Scary, sometimes ugly, but REAL and important. Worthy of the worlds attention, and fundraising, and empathy. Until then, I appreciate the baby steps that society is taking. I appreciate professionals (like my friend) taking the time to speak out. I appreciate celebrities (Brooke Shields, Ellen's BABE of a girlfriend, Zach Braff, Cameron Diaz, Howie Mandel, etc) who are unafraid of being honest with their fans, despite their haters. I appreciate brands like Bell, who use their power to raise funds and awareness for the cause. And I appreciate those who continue to love and adore me, despite my nuts-ness ;)

Nostalgia Will Be The Death Of Me

After a weekend full of beautiful Birthday partying, I went back to mom's to walk our dog while she's away. The walk was cold, but smelt the way winter should smell. I fed little Clay, snuggled him, and then made the mistake of peeking into one of the albums on the living room bookshelf. And that's where I spent the next 40 minutes. 

I've always been a cheesy, sentimental, nostalgic sucker, and Christmas through my Birthday seems to be the worst. Christmas childhood memories are my very favorite, and then it's all the emotion that comes with ringing in a new year, and then my Birthday comes, another marker of a new (personal) year, realizing the last one is actually over (already?!), and it's all a little overwhelming. Plus it's winter, so naturally everything is a little sadder!

I have never been one to shy away from my Birthday. I firmly believe we all deserve a day to be celebrated, and I admittedly enjoy the 24 hours of Facebook attention. I have never worried about getting older, the future hasn't scared me since I was in high school. I am extremely happy, thankful where I am in my life, how far I've come, and who's come with me. But once I start flipping through baby pictures (and can't bring myself to stop flipping), a nervousness does sink in. Nervous to get further away from these perfect little moments. 

My parents made utterly beautiful children. 

I don't say that in a strictly self-absorbed way. They had definitely blessed us with extremely decent genes, but in every picture, on every page, throughout all those binders, are the happiest little faces. Just happy and so in love. We were blessed with a very healthy, happy childhood. And that makes me cry for some reason!

It might have something to do with the fact that it all ended in divorce. And also the hormones. (It's always going to be the hormones, isn't it?). We were just so god damn cute. And if I get this emotional over baby pictures, I can't imagine what it does to parents. I mean, that first blondey crooked-smile baby is turning 27!? 

I get excited, knowing all that is bound to happen in this new 'I am 27' year. Twenty-seven is a sexy sounding number. I have a feeling that it's going to be, actually, wonderful. 

But life isn't perfect. Not as perfect as it felt, I'm sure, when I was turning 2 and about to get a brand new brother. Or when I was turning 5, and my favorite little sister was finally at my Birthday party. They were precious moments, because we were precious, captured in invaluable snap shots. And when I look at them now, I can't help but hate how far away they seem. How far away that 'Who cares! We're young and we're perfect' feeling is. Children are definitely oblivious to the 'real world' (if they're lucky), but that's part of what makes us beautiful. 

We are still a respectably handsome family, don't get me wrong! And we are all growing, succeeding, relatively happy, and lucky in love, decent human beings. So I have no fear of how much time we have left, or what we're going to do with it...but of how much time has passed. You don't realize it, at least I don't, at least not in an obvious way, the time passing. You don't realize the time passing and the responsibilities mounting, the friends coming and going, the heart breaking and loving, because it just happens. But then you open the pages that your Nana started filling with these gorgeous, happy, care-free faces 28 years ago, and suddenly it's so easy to spend 40 minutes sitting on the floor covering your sweater sleeves in tears. And snot! 

My 1st Birthday party - Mom wore a bow tie, I wore the cake

An angel putting up the angel ;)

My mom was a model you know

He's always loved having a big sister!

A couple of suckers (and Nana)

My very favorite sister

Told'ja we were good looking...

Where Blogs End and Poems Start

Nights like this and feelings like this, the feelings in my head and in my heart, it reminds me of the sky. Not just any sky, the sky above the curb I sat on across from the mall, the night I got arrested. 

I've never actually told my parents I've been arrested. I was 18 so the police didn't need to contact them, I went to court on my own, paid the fine myself, got myself to community service. Turns out though, lol, the 5 Finger Discount is actually a gene inherited. 

I sat on that curb, in the dark and breezy and wet night, staring into the sky. I was feeling so sad, and angry in general, and trying desperately to see the stars I saw from my Dominican rooftop. 

Dominican is a...a THING, or a moment in my life that I will carry with me to the grave. A necessary thing, a perfect moment, where after years of depression I felt more free and more alive and more possible then I ever had in my life. I can't for sure say that anything or any moment has surpassed Dominican. But every now and then I find myself looking for that sky again, feeling under that sky again.  That sky which...

That sky
it's almost a comforting place
I want to run to
every now and again,
dark and wet and alone
and seeming so far from 
the free and the possible. 
A comfortable place
for the sad and generally angry
desperately looking
for the stars that had to have been real. 
But I know I can't stay here
because I know those stars exist
just a comfortable place 
to visit and remember
that no matter how far we've come 
it's all the same sky. 

Ways To Shine Even Brighter In 2013

It's that time of year again! The year we're standing in is drawing to a close, and an entire brand spanking new one is on the verge of opening it's arms. It's exciting! I do think that Birthdays are the mark of a new year for everyone in a personal way, but midnight on New Years Eve is something the whole world can share. Whether we're Catholic or Muslim or Canadian or Australian, gay or straight, rich or poor or stupid enough to eat a burger with melted butter on it (because that does exist at Steak n Shake), the calendar starts over again. 

(That's right, right? I know there's a Chinese New Year that's not right now, but they still recognize January 1st, right? Perhaps I'll Google that before posting...)

This year, inspired by an article my boyfriend sent me, instead of coming up with a bunch of resolutions that sometimes lead to disappointment in ourselves, I have decided to compose a list of revelations. A list of things, some profound and some obvious, I KNOW will help make this new year even better then the one ending. 

1) You don't ALWAYS have to be SO brave. 

I'd been craving a little crazy in my life, so I used the salon gift certificate won at my friend's Champagne fundraiser and dyed my hair purple! Before going purple though, you must get bleached. So the bleach went in, and sat there, and I sat under the dryer...and I slowly sank from under the dryer, and then I started shaking, and then I tried breathing slow and calmly, and then I ran outside and started crying. Lol. Bottom line, I now have a little chemical burn on my scalp because I didn't wan to be a cry baby, I was trying to be brave and suck it up. But pain and panic and fear does occasionally occur for a good reason. 

2. When you find yourself asking, 'Why me?', take an actually minute to list 3 things you are thankful for.

Instead of rhyming off that age old 'Someone’s always got it worse', be productive. In that moment when you're wondering 'Why me?', it sometimes seems impossible that anyone could be feeling worse then you are. "I'm lying on my bathroom floor shaking and sweating and throwing up after shitting my pants...and you're trying to tell ME that someone is feeling even worse then this right now? Fuck you."

But even when lying on the bathroom floor (feeling like your) dying, you can take a minute, in your head or on paper, or out loud, to list three things you're thankful for. Reminding yourself of the good in your life, even if its just three teeny things (like, Grey's Anatomy is on tonight), it becomes easier to appreciate the little things, easier to see that in fact some might be worse off. 

3. In a similar fashion, when you're heart starts hurting for the ones you've lost, remember those you still have. 

It's far easier said then done, this I know, but it's trying that counts. I'm not so much talking about loves ones who have passed away. While its important to keep most of our focus on the living, I'd never ask a person cut their mourning period short. Losing a twenty-something friend to cancer, that shit's going to sting well into 2013. And that's ok. 

But the exboyfriends, the best friends you've spent so much time missing when songs about best friends come on the radio, this is the year to realize that you're better off. It's strange, and mean, the way our brains seem to recall the good times so much quicker then the reasons the good times ended. Why is that? Some sappy song plays and we're thinking about first kisses and weekly Bachelor dates, instead of how badly it hurt when they cheated on us, or told us we were worthless. 

Instead of remembering those good times or those bad times, remember the numbers in your address book that you can still text at all hours of the night, even when you're in Florida! It's not seeing someone every day that makes a best friend, it's those who treat you the best (no matter what), and that's who we need to spend our feelings on. 

4. Keep less CRAP in your home. 

This is one will be a bit of a struggle for me. 

While piles of old magazines and months-worth of newspapers, or the 63 boxes of laundry detergent you picked up during your coupon-clipping phase last year is also crap that you should clean your home of, I'm talking about salty and sugary and delicious crap!

I'm a snacker. I'm not big into big meals, I like to have little snacks whenever I'm actually feeling hungry. However, when there's chips or cakes or Double Bubble in the house, I'll snack on those,only because they’re there. It's all about eliminating to opportunity. I have a mega sweet tooth, but if there's no sweets in the house, I admit defeat and move on. And I don't feel guilty at the end of the day. Or get fat!

5. Having said that, get your just-desserts!

I'm not a drinker, so I don't really want to catch up over drinks, and caffeine makes my tummy angry so I don't love coffee dates. That's why I like cake dates! If you're strong enough to keep things in moderation, there's nothing wrong with having dessert for dinner, especially when sharing it with a friend (or lover). Just make sure you have fruits and veggies for breakfast and lunch first, lol. Unless its your Birthday! Then it's cake dates for all meals!

6. Nap!

This one is my favorite, and I did it all this year too! I just figure that by writing about it, it'll feel more justified. 

Sleep is good for you! I'm a firm believer in sleeping when you're sleepy. If the time is available, give your bod a break, and do not feel guilty about it, no matter what your boyfriend says! ;)

7. Listen to more (good) music. 

(and 'good' music is of course according to your own acquired taste)

I don't even remember the last time I realized I had a half hour to kill and turned iTunes on instead of streaming the 4th season on Criminal Minds. Maybe that's just my habit, and in all honesty I'll probably never break it completely (have you seen Criminal Minds?!), but nothing beats that feeling when your ear catches a beat and your whole soul is filled. Right now I only play the albums I was so excited to download (I wonder if anyone out there is resolving to stop illegally downloading...lol) when I'm at the gym. 

(I also need to go to the gym more then once a week.)

Spend time laying on your floor just listening to music. Loudly! Unless it's midnight and you don't live alone. 

8. Hug more!

I seriously think the world is in desperate need of more positive physical affection. 

I work in a school, so I know how antsy people can about physical contact. I remember the 'no touching' rule they tried out, when I was in high school. Teachers didn't feel comfortable singling out the slutty kids fornicating in front of homeroom, so instead they handed out detention to couple walking to class holding hands, and bffs hugging in the cafeteria. While I understand that we don't want to encourage kids to be freely sexual before they're old enough to be, I have always thought its wrong to unconsciously teach them that all touching is wrong. I'm sure that some parents may feel uncomfortable with teachers hugging their students, but at the same time, it'd just be rude for me to tell a 4 year old to fuck off when they come at me with open arms. 

Hugs are happy things! Challenge Day (Google it) taught us that 8 hugs a day helps a human being achieve maximum health and happiness. You should also look up the 'Free Hugs In Paris' video, and I dare you not to literally feel your heart grow. 

Some day I will teach my children that there are right and wrong ways to touch people. I'll tell them that there are in fact bad people out there who like to touch kids the wrong way, but that it's very ok to hug a classmate after they offer to share their (peanut free) snack. 

9. Get away. 

I've been lucky. I am lucky! My parents have two weeks of Myrtle Beach timeshare between the two of them, and my dad has this place in Florida that we can all take advantage of, so I get away a lot. And it feels good! 

But it doesn't take two weeks in the sun to feel that 'away' feeling. A sleepover in a hotel bed does the trick! And these days you can find all kinds of deals online for cheap rooms. Don't go drinking for a weekend or two, and you can 'get a room'! Make sure you go early, as soon as you're allowed to check in, and always ask for a late check out to maximize your vaca. Use up all the free shampoo, go to the pool, use their treadmills, get up early for the continental breakfast and then go back to bed. Even if the hotel is 10 minutes from your house, there's something about sleeping in a new bed and being away from the pile of laundry that's needed to be done for weeks, that rejuvenates the soul. 

10. Dance like nobody's watching (even though everyone IS watching because your moves are sweet).
Burning calories is never more fun then when you're doing it dancing. I think our bodies were built to dance! Whether its in your undies home alone, in a sweaty claustrophobic club, or on stage in a tutu, wake up your sleepy bored-just-walking muscles and groove. 

I love going out to dance with friends, but in these chilly months the desire lessens because of the wait outside. And sometimes after working all week I'm not motivated to shower and get dressed up for a Friday night out. So this year I'm going to work dance classes at the gym into my regular schedule. I actually haven't been to a class before, but something tells me it's far more fun, and passes the exercise-time faster then an elliptical. 

And that's all I've got for now! Hey, 10 things is a lot, lol. 

Below is the link to the article of inspiration. I don't normally ask things of 'my readers', but I'd really appreciate it if you could leave a comment adding to the list, adding to my list, suggestions to enhance our lives physically, emotionally, mentally, and personally in 2013. 

However you spend it, here's wishes for a brand-new beautiful year, from my castle to yours ;)


http://thoughtcatalog.com/2012/29-ways-to-make-2013-better/

My Princess Hair