It's an impossible task.
That fact however, often seems impossible for others to understand. I mean, if you can offer a murderer a ransom in return for your kidnapped child, why can't you reason with a stupid make-believe monster? It's all in your head after all, isn't it?
I have a friend, and she's been my friend for..8 or so years. And in those 8 years, not once have we had a disagreement. Honestly! We never found a reason to argue about guys, or friends, or vacation plans. She's the friend I can go to, sit with, and just seriously talk to for HOURS, reliving the good moments in our shared past, and catching up on eachother's present.
She lives out of town now, and I have been meaning to go visit her, for 2 years now. However, driving makes me anxious. And being anywhere out of town alone, makes me anxious. Having to do too many things in one day makes me anxious.
On Saterday (I wrote this, originally, 3 weeks ago, lol) my little sister and I left with our respective boyfriends for a week in our old-family Myrtle Beach condo! In order to leave from our place though, I had to puck my sister up from school. And it just so happens, my sisters school place, is just a few minutes from my friends place! So at the beginning of the week I told said friend, I'd try to come visit at the same time I was getting my sister!
Well. Days passed. And as I got closer to leaving my bed, my bathroom, my daddy, my city..my country (and with a very limited Ativan supply thanks to my douche of a doctor who decides that going on her own vacation at the same time that I LOST the majority of my drugs, would be a good idea!!) for 6 potentially torturous nights, every muscle, every nerve in my body grew more and more on edge.
By the time Saterday rolled around, I was so strung out, and hopped up on anxious thoughts involving a strange bathroom floor..and shark attacks, I told my friend there was a good chance I wouldn't be coming to visit her.
"Jorja. My place is minutes away from your sisters. It would be nice if you could actually make it for once."
Mmmmmmm. You don't think I know that already?
It'd also be nice if I could accept a movie date with a friend last minute, or sleep at my boyfriends house whenever I wanted! It'd be nice if I could fall asleep, and not wake up sweating and shaking until my alarm goes off the next morning, too! It'd be nice if I could eat more then a quarter of a meal without fearing a bathroom-party an hour later!
Sorry, but I don't have control over that. Any of it.
I've tried!
Princess Georgia has a lot of power. As a princess, you get to make all sorts of important decisions! Not decisions as important as the King makes, but it's still pretty neat. Princess Georgia gets to tell the artists what colors to paint the new castle kitchen, and which flowers to plant in the grand gardens each spring! Princess Georgia even gets to help decide when the kingdom should get a holiday, and a whole day off for everyone!
Being royalty gives you power! Except, when it comes to the Anxiety Monster. She's been able to tell the knights when to stand up and protect the kingdom from an approaching army of trolls. She even sat down with a dangerous dragon, and promised him no more storming of his cave, if he agreed to keep his roaring to a minimum between the hours of 7pm and 6am, so not to wake up the sleeping babies in her kingdom!
But every time the Anxiety Monster comes around, Princess Georgia feels more and more powerless, and pathetic.
The Princess sits in her hiding spot, yelling at the Monster lurking outside the door, that she will give him anything he wants, if he'd just leave her alone! She's a princess, she can make such offerings! She would promise the monster all the free chickens he could eat! Or a big, new, beautiful house to live in! She would try offering him any-time access to her castle's sparkling blue swimming pool! A swimming pool with a water slide! But the monster never gave her pleas the time of day. To him, she was a powerless, pathetic Princess.
There are times when I've pleaded to..whoever, or whatever...God, or Mother Nature..or Santa Clause! Ive sent cries for help to anyone or anything with some kind of power, begging to just be left alone THIS night! No such luck.
And if losing to power of persuasion, or the ability to flirt my way out of trouble wasn't bad enough, sometimes the anxiety likes to switch things up just to keep you on your toes.
I was all packed and ready for my girlfriend's Bachelorette party, 2 weekends ago, and I had mentally prepared myself for the high chance of an attack that night. I figured that in the middle of the dance floor, or the middle of the night, the sweats and the shakes and the need to choke back tears would hit me. That would make sense, anyways. It's how it usually goes after all! Tiny crowded places make me anxious, specially with drunk idiots in the mix, and beds that aren't my own make me anxious. So an attack then, was expected. An attack 5 minutes before having to leave FPR the party, when I was still safe at home with dad, and my pink garbage bucket near by? An attack while I still had the option to back out and just stay home, versus when I was already 2 hours away with no designated driver..NOT expectedted. And not appreciated.
And I'd try to bargin, 'I will endure an attack tomorrow! Just give me NOW off! Because if I have to rely on drugs NOW, how am I going to survive later tonight?!'
Sure enough, an Ativan cured that attack, and then I went the entire night, in the middle of the dance floor, in the middle of the night, panic-free. Surprise!
Anxiety doesn't make sense. It can't be reasoned with. It can't be scheduled. And it definitely can't be guilted into going your way. I've tried! And someone else reminding me that I'm powerless and pathetic for not being able to get it under control, does not help.
