#lessonearnedinvegas

1. I owe my mother and father big time, for their superb gene pool.

For three nights we VIP partied, and enjoyed free bottle service (I may not drink, but it still makes me feel like a baller), all thanks to how rather attractive we are. Surely, looks wont get you everywhere, but they will get you a damn good time.


2. Don't ask a crazy lady for $5.

I can honestly say that I dont really have any regrets in my life, which is impressive after nearly 26 years. My last night in Vegas, changed that!

After all the dancing, all the shinanigans in The Sugar Factory, and all the pictures taken with lesbians, we got in a cab to go back to our own hotel. As luck would have it, we picked the only can in Vegas that didn't accept Visa. You can buy McDonalds, wifi, poker chips, a pack of gum or a single tampon in a bathroom vending machine with Visa in Vegas! But not our cab. We had $10 and the fare was $15. The closest bank machine in our lobby was 10 minutes away from the doors, and the driver was holding my sister hostage, so I decided to ask someone to borrow $5 for a minute.

Continuing on my lucky streak, the first lady with cash (clearly we weren't the only ones depending on credit cards), was a raging drunk, escaped from a mental institution. At first she was more then happy to just GIVE me the money, just dandy! Two minutes later, she's following us through the lobby, CHIRPING us for not being able to afford our own cab ride! She went on and on about how when she was our age (did I mention she was 58?) she was employed and educated, and she had a family that she supported, and she was way better looking then we were!

Picture your mother, add 45 years of nicotine damage, and 4 sheets to the wind. Then picture her telling your father (who's stone sober), 'Take my purse! You're going to need the cash to bail me out! I'm going to jail to tonight!' and then threatening to follow two twenty-something girls up to their room! Then picture her taking all the cash out of he wallet, to show off how much smarter she is then everyone else!

I had every intention of giving her the damn $5 back (a cash advance from a Visa required the use of a bank machine AND a teller on the casino floor AND a fingerprint), until she decide to share, 'I can't wait to tell my friends what a BALL I had paying for a cab for two WHORES.' I draw the line at whores. That's when it's time to go alert security, and get a private escort to our elevator. With the $5 back in my wallet.

What happens in Vegas not only needs to stay there, it needs to be forcibly admitted into rehab.


3. I can do it!

Almost 4 years ago I stayed in Vegas for a few nights, and of those few nights, only half of one was spent outside of my hotel room. That's how tight a hold my anxiety had on me. This time, I swore I'd make the time off, and away, worth it. So not only did I dress up and go out every night, I kept myself out, still smiling, until at least 3am. Imagine that! And all while remaining completely sober! Lol.

I can also board, and remain seated on a plane for 5 hours, without getting sick and dying due to major heart palpitations!

In the beginning, coping with a panic disorder involves a lot of running away, and hiding. But when you have no idea where you are in a giant city, no idea where all the exits in a club are, there is no running away. And when you're stuck in a giant chunk of metal one million feet above ground, there really isn't anywhere to hide. All you can do is be brave, and face it, stick it out. And I did! I can do that!


4. As enjoyable as it is to have an excuse to dress way up, and dance for hours (for free!), I'm clearly not a Vegas kind of girl.

Lol, I'm just a lame, elderly lady at heart! I think I prefer being at home watching a movie, or walking around a new city, vs. forcing myself to impress strangers more then once a week (or once every two weeks?). It may have something to do with the face that I'm sober in a drunk city, and already in an in-love relationship in a slutty city..but I like it that way!

The flash, and the smut is fun for a day or two, but I'd far rather spend a week in New York (just as busy, but less in-your-face horny), or Myrtle Beach in a family oriented resort.


5. I want to own, and operate a pop-up wedding chapel!

There was a temporary chapel in one of the hotels on the strip with a little stage, seating for maybe 20 guests, iPads to read vows off of, champagne and cake pops provided, and all of surrounded by completely trendy, non-60's cheesy decor!

Seeing as it was Vegas, you were allowed to acquire a 24hr fake marriage to someone of the same sex, opposite sex, same last name, your pet turtle, or a toaster if you want ($80 is a perfectly reasonable amount to spend on an utterly romantic 15 minutes in the spotlight with your favorite blender!), or you can spontaneously marry the love of your life. Plug your own iPod in for the perfect soundtrack, kiss I Do in front of the giant store front window/ everyone on Las Vegas Blvd, and take home a page from the giant guest book signed by all the people shopping for goofy wedding-themed souvenirs while you were getting hitched 5ft away! I think it's the most brilliant idea!

Or what if a big RV was transformed into a trendy, classy PORTABLE wedding chapel?! I wana.


6. You CAN blister over top of last night's blisters.


7. Even a princess gets dark bags under her eyes, after too many nights of too little sleep!



(Me: Ativan-free, sober, and still smokin)