Hello Old Friend

Deep breaths. 

It's Friday night.  It's 3:48am, technically Saterday, and I'm fighting the urge to get off the toilet and lay on the bathroom floor instead. Is this what an addiction feels like? Craving something so specific, thinking you'll be safer there? Earwigs crawl on that floor! I have my pillow and a cold cloth, trying to shake off the shakes and deeply contemplating. Am I feeling nauseous and thus panicking because I drank an energy drink tonight...or am I nauseous and thus panicking because I warned myself prior to drinking it that drinking it could potentially cause a panic attack? Self-fulfilling prophecy, or a general health warning? Do people who are thought to be mentally stable have panic attacks as a result of consuming energy drinks, or is an anxiety disorder a prerequisite? Is this why some people, some people who have worked so hard and overcome so much, and conquered so much time, fall off the wagon? Even the ugliest monsters can be seductive. This feeling is so familiar. I know that it's bad and that I need to stop it, that I am capable of stopping it, but the familiarity is nearly comforting. Beckoning me back to the dark side. It's been almost 8 months since I felt this way, felt it crawling under my skin up my back and over my arms, but it could have been yesterday, it feels so familiar. When my tummy started that dull ache, I knew the little shivers would come next. Then Id start talking too fast, trying to ignore it and distract anyone around me. Then the creepy crawly feeling. The numbness in my arms. The sleepy spinning in the front of my head. And lastly, the slow burning heat waves under my skin when I finally accept that this is going to be a panic attack. Soon my fingers and toes will be freezing and tingly, because during a panic attack your blood supply rushes inwards to your vital organs. Did you know that? I have never figured out why I always want to lay on the bathroom floor, or at least some floor, when I feel like this. Maybe I've never really thought about it. It's proven that walking around and being proactive will help stunt an attack from hitting its peak, and yet curling up on the floor FEELS safer! After getting sick, my mom or dad or whoever had to endure that particular episode with me, would always urge me to at least get into bed, but moving seems terrifying. Why would anyone prefer a hard, cold, dirty (normal bathroom-dirty, not like gas station bathroom-dirty) floor over a cozy bed? I took a Gravol for the tummy ache, and then just like I remember, it wasn't even 10 minutes later before I gave up on it working, and went for the Ativan. Ohhhhh, Ativan. I haven't had to refill that prescription since surgery! Because I haven't had a panic attack since surgery! And what did I do tonight that I haven't done since surgery, that could be the culprit? I drank a caffeinated energy drink. And I ate macaroni salad that had pineapple in it. I was planning on sipping champagne at my Grama's Birthday party tomorrow...maybe this is a cosmic warning sign. I don't NEED to drink. I want to do it, to prove that I can do it now without panicking, that I have that firm a grasp on my anxiety, and that my tummy is better and won't be as sensitive to alcohol...but I can still dance just as well sober. I can still tell off creepy old men who frequent downtown Guelph on a Friday night to back the fuck off. And if I can dance and stand up for my personal space while sober, do I need to bother testing my theory? Would discovering that I can get tipsy without having a panic attack, be worth the potential level 10 panic attack? And why do earwigs continue to attempt to invade my home when none of their friends seem to be making it back alive? Is whatever they're here for really worth the risk of being drowned in my toilet? I remember always wondering many things while panicking, taking advantage of my rushing brain. And I remember how pointless new paragraphs always seem while panicking. Most importantly, I remember how good it feels to crawl into bed next to a warm body an hour after the initial sign of an attack, and how well a panic-ravaged body sleeps after running another inner marathon.

Tick Tock

Sitting at my desk, listening to Adele, feeling sentimental.  

Thinking of my baby sister sitting at her little desk at midnight (which would be 6 hours ago), listening to sappy songs, and blogging too.  Miles away.  And lifetimes away.  

Where was I the summer of 22 years old?  Well, I was sick.  There's always that!  It was my first summer with a brand new boyfriend, which isn't Italy, but an adventure in itself.  lol.  

Before going out last night to laugh and dance and sweat far too hard, an old/new-again friend and I reminisced.  I hated many aspects of high school, but I think that reminiscing about it will likely remain a favorite use of time.  We realized that our little group of oldest friends, have changed the most out of everyone we knew in high school.  For the better, of course!  You look at pictures from 8 years ago, and while we all loved and accepted each other, lol,  you'd never have thought we'd grow into such knockouts.  Really though.  If you saw what we looked like back then, you'd agree that it's perfectly ok to brag about our current reflections.  

Sitting with this particular friend moved to further prove the truth behind the statement, 'Timing is Everything."

She and I were good friends.  Best friends.  Like jump on the bed to Britney Spears, makeovers, slutty games of Truth or Dare, stay up all night giggling over a boy kind of best friends.  It helped that we lived so close, and could run back and forth between houses in the middle of the night.  It started in elementary school, when we were in a very decent pop band together (for realz), and ended soon after graduating high school.  

When I graduated, I wanted out.  I started dating a new guy from another city, and was so thankful for the new circle of friends that he came with.  All of us high school girlfriend and best friends shared more then a million happy, hilarious memories.  We ALWAYS had fun together.  The very most fun.  We hid in closets and ate donuts to have fun..and eventually progressed to getting wasted in stranger's houses to have fun.  It nearly blows my mind how much fun we all had.  But we were never very honest.  And for a long while after moving on, I thought that that meant we were never REAL friends.

We all had problems.  We had problems with our parents, divorcing and overbearing parents, which we could have actually bonded over had we ever admitted it to each other.  We had personal issues, issues with grades, boyfriends etc. and we never helped each other through those, because we never knew how bad we were all suffering.  No one knew how serious my depression was back then.  Was I the only one who saw a therapist in high school?  I never told any of them when I was sexually assaulted, either.  I literally went to school the next day, and never even thought to mention it.  We didn't do that, then.  

So she and I stopped talking, not too long after our 12+ year in school.  And I figured, 'whatever,' everyone moves on, and drifts, and that's life.  Then all this time later, after years of being too sick for a real job, I ended up working every day at the same school she's teaching at!  And there it begins!  We find ourselves in a similar position in our lives, starting careers, in serious and lovely romantic relationships.  We've only hung out a few times since re-introducing ourselves, and yet I know more about who she really is, then I did in the 10 years we were best friends.  It's a little amazing.

I found myself in a spot, where I needed a friend, like the kind of friend she is, right now.  And there she was.  Maybe in the great scheme of life, all I needed in high school was a friend to get drunk and laugh with, and now I need another adult friend to further better the adult life I'm finally falling into.  It works out, timing.

I knew my boyfriend in high school.  Not well, considering he was one of the cool kids, and I certainly was not!  But we shared a class, every day for a semester.  In fact, we shared a school bus seat, on the way home from a class field trip to the Toronto Zoo!  And just as I never imagined being as smokin hot as I am now compared to my high school self, lol, I never thought to think that one day I could be in love with, and living with this 'hot' guy that I used to doodle about in Media class.  

I had only one high school boyfriend who was indeed crucial to that chapter of my life.  He was what I needed at that point.  Then I met this new guy, older and more mature, who had nothing to do with high school, thank god.  This new, more mature guy dumped me after a few years.  That weekend my girlfriends (form my new circle of friends) took me out and at the end of the night, I ran right into this guy I recognized from Media class.  I was smitten.  But obviously I agreed to give my ex another chance, lol.  A few months later, this new, more mature guy dumped me again (this time via text, most mature!), and again my girlfriends and I went downtown.  And again, I ran into this boy from Media class.  Something THAT ironic, can only be Destiny.  

He is the greatest proof that timing is everything.  

I was devastated, as any girl is, when my ex broke up with me, not knowing that Life was setting me up for exactly what I needed.  So much so, it scares me.  It's eerie, the timing of things.  

I started to get very sick, just as we began dating.  Which seems like AWFUL timing.  But the sicker I became, the more obvious it became that everything had happened for a reason.  I know without a doubt, that I never would have survived these last few years of my life, if my ex was the one 'by my side' instead of Prince Charming.  The last time I was EVER really drunk, my ex left me in his basement bathroom to puke and pass out alone, while he watched hockey highlights...?!  Can you imagine how well that dynamic would have worked once I started throwing up, and shitting, and shaking on bathroom floors daily?  I would likely be literally dead right now.  

Life saw what was headed my way, and made it possible for me to endure it with the most perfect person.  

I have one other new friend worth mentioning in this context.  An actual new friend, who I never knew before.  We met through a mutual friend, whom neither of us are really friends with anymore.  And I've been asked more then once, why I've become such good friends with someone so much younger then me.  She's JUST 20, though she makes me look like the 20 year old.  And while I've always remained sure that age is just a number, Life realized that I NEEDED a 20 year old in my life right now!  I am healthy enough to go out and party, and have fun, and stay out late, multiple nights in a row, just as all my good friends are getting married and having babies.  Bad timing.  I was sick and cancelling plans, while they were all in the midst of their drinking and going out stage.  I really am, now, years behind them, wanting to go out and dance and dress up, while their paying mortgages and making pretty little families.  And that's where my 20 year old friend fits in!  I get to be silly, and care-free, and slightly irresponsible with her.  She is young, but she's perfect for me.

Just as Prince Charming is perfect for me, just as my old/new friend is perfect for me again.  'Timing is Everything', it does in fact work out when it needs to.

Baby Steps Still Go Big Places

'If someone told me a year ago that I'd be spending all day out of town by myself, eating tons, AND going out to dance all night without any tears or drugs..I'd have told them they were dreaming.'

Recovery is never about leaps and bounds and over-night glories. Whether its an addiction, a disease, a mental illness, losing a job or a friend, or a shitty breakup, it takes a heck of a lot of time to move on. And it takes even longer to move upwards.

Come this Friday, I will have worked regularly, Monday - Friday, for a month! And I am well aware that that doesn't sound so impressive (especially considering the fact that I don't think my dads called in sick once over the last 10 years), but it's been well over 2 years since I've worked on a daily basis. Two years ago I was too sick to work at all. And while this job is only part-time, it's been a pretty brilliant start.

I learned that you can't rush into anything. You can't push your luck. It would never be recommended that a recovering alcoholic get a job at a distillery after just one AA meeting. Jumping into a huge commitment, with the risk of burning myself out again, would be taking these good-feeling days for granted. Great-feeling days.

It's so easy to compare ourselves to others. Preteens are stuck feeling too short, and too fat, and too flat compared to celebrities their age. There are days when I feel too unaccomplished compared to my baby sister who's taking on Italy all by herself for the summer (see http://mintcovered.blogspot.ca/), or my friends who are all getting married and having babies. But those are counter-productive thoughts. They didn't start where I've had to start over. It doesn't take long to remember what it felt like to spend all my time on the cold bathroom floor, just praying for a break. From there, I've come further then anyone has. I've beaten odds, and won more battles then anyone has. 

My boyfriend and I have moved in together, too! We didn't put a down payment on our dream home..or any home, lol. We have moved into the basement apartment in my dad's house. This Princess isn't ready to leave the Kingdom just yet. And that's ok! It's good practice, paying rent together, doing each others laundry, sharing space. It doesn't matter how big a step is (I have teeny feet anyways), so long as you're stepping in the right direction. It's not our dream house, but I get to spend every sleep with Prince Charming, which is pretty dreamy.

And come September, I will be working full-time, a regular, real job. Imagine that! I'm counting down the number of baby steps it'll take for me to reach the dreams I had before I ever got sick. Dreams I thought were pointless after all that bathroom floor time. Dreaming dreams again? That's even bigger then a baby step.