This was supposed to be 'my first healthy trip to NYC!' but life doesn't
really like you making plans that big. Or naming your plans. Lol
This little bit of typing may include many 'LOLs', because its the only way I can deal with it all this time around. It's scary, and unnerving, and anxiety-causing, and sometimes when I can't sleep I get sad, but mostly I just have to laugh it off and be sarcastic, and smile regardless. I know exactly (kind of) what's going on this time, I know what's coming next, and I think I know what's next after that.
About a month ago I saw my girl-part surgeon and we came up with a plan. I've been getting sick again, sick enough to call in sick. And thats actually saying a lot, because years of being sick equals your brain and body to start accepting sick as your norm, and while days off sound nice, it's like accepting defeat, for me. So, I'd have my second laporoscopy in the summer. The surgery is what gave me about 6 months of absolute perfectness as far as my health went, and I've been wanting a second one ever since those first 6 months ended. But annual surgery is never recommended, so I had to wait until it became more obvious to my doctors that it was necessary.
It turns out, Endo is a determined little fucker. I've always been aware of the fact that a laporoscopy wouldn't cure the disease, but I never imagined my uterus looking at the surgery as some kind of grand challenge. It has come back with a vengeance! It's been a year and a half since my first surgery (I can't believe it's been that long), and in just the last 4 months, it's like those little misplaced cells has been snorting Speed. Every night I go to bed exhausted, not because of work etc, but because it takes all my strength and will not to just collapse from the pain and the nausea, and the frustration. (Collapse and/or stab myself in the uterus.)
This past Tuesday though, I did collapse. The pain hit so suddenly and severely that literally knocked the wind out of me. I was up all night wrapped around my heating pad, jacked on Ativan (because pain that big rightfully causes panic), and kept assuming it would pass. Because I've been in pain before! The pain comes, rips through my middle, and then it's gone, I catch my breath and move on. But this time I woke up (from an Ativan coma lol) in even more pain. I went to work in the morning assuming a walk might help, but every step was a huge regret. Luckily I got the afternoon off, and in the evening we went to emerge. (I say WE because my boyfriend bruised his ribs, and needed health care as well. What a pair!)
After blood work and scans and ultrasounds and pees in cups, and pain killer shots (during which I told awful jokes and hummed silly songs to distract myself), the physician told me it was likely a ruptured ovarian cyst. So I got a codeine prescription and we shuffled home. We were both propped up in bed eating dinner and taking turns with my heating pad when the physician called me from the hospital. He'd discussed with my surgeon, Dr. Ben (who I guess was on call in the hospital) and he realized it was likely more serious then a cyst.
Dr. Ben asked me to come see him at his office, and we bumped our plans up a little. His clear concern concerned me, more then I had been. So now my laporoscopy will be the end of this month. I'd only wanted to wait so that I wouldn't be missing real work hours (since I'm off in the summer), but the waiting option has been taken off the table. And then come the big decisions: we will (because its what we've always wanted eventually) start trying for a handsome baby much sooner then later, so that I can go under for a full hysterectomy as soon as possible. And that is what I want.
I don't want to spend the next 10 years volleying between healthiness and awfulness, exploring different pharmaceutical paths and band-aid surgeries every other year, just because a baby etc hasn't been in our immediate plans. I want to get it all over with, get it all out, and move on. But first I want (and hope and wish and pray) to get fat and pregnant and glowy. Dr. Ben said he'd opt to preform a radical hysterectomy now (the only cure for Endometriosis), but he knows I want a baby of my own if its possible. The laporoscopy will give us a few more months to save and mentally prepare, and it'll leave me feeling healthy and happy enough to actively try (and enjoy trying) to get pregnant.
And then we'll get married, at some point. Eventually! Lol. Weddings have always come later then a baby, on the list of things I'd like to spend my money on. Teeny sparkly baby shoes make me giddier then wedding dresses in windows.
So for now, I laugh through the absolute discomfort, and I enjoy this heart-pounding city that has always healed my soul a little. And I stay away from Google before surgery, this time! And I don't stress about the time off work, or whether or not we can afford a baby in the next year. And I hope to start going to the bathroom and feeling skinny again, lol...codeine makes everything but my digestive system feel better.
This little bit of typing may include many 'LOLs', because its the only way I can deal with it all this time around. It's scary, and unnerving, and anxiety-causing, and sometimes when I can't sleep I get sad, but mostly I just have to laugh it off and be sarcastic, and smile regardless. I know exactly (kind of) what's going on this time, I know what's coming next, and I think I know what's next after that.
About a month ago I saw my girl-part surgeon and we came up with a plan. I've been getting sick again, sick enough to call in sick. And thats actually saying a lot, because years of being sick equals your brain and body to start accepting sick as your norm, and while days off sound nice, it's like accepting defeat, for me. So, I'd have my second laporoscopy in the summer. The surgery is what gave me about 6 months of absolute perfectness as far as my health went, and I've been wanting a second one ever since those first 6 months ended. But annual surgery is never recommended, so I had to wait until it became more obvious to my doctors that it was necessary.
It turns out, Endo is a determined little fucker. I've always been aware of the fact that a laporoscopy wouldn't cure the disease, but I never imagined my uterus looking at the surgery as some kind of grand challenge. It has come back with a vengeance! It's been a year and a half since my first surgery (I can't believe it's been that long), and in just the last 4 months, it's like those little misplaced cells has been snorting Speed. Every night I go to bed exhausted, not because of work etc, but because it takes all my strength and will not to just collapse from the pain and the nausea, and the frustration. (Collapse and/or stab myself in the uterus.)
This past Tuesday though, I did collapse. The pain hit so suddenly and severely that literally knocked the wind out of me. I was up all night wrapped around my heating pad, jacked on Ativan (because pain that big rightfully causes panic), and kept assuming it would pass. Because I've been in pain before! The pain comes, rips through my middle, and then it's gone, I catch my breath and move on. But this time I woke up (from an Ativan coma lol) in even more pain. I went to work in the morning assuming a walk might help, but every step was a huge regret. Luckily I got the afternoon off, and in the evening we went to emerge. (I say WE because my boyfriend bruised his ribs, and needed health care as well. What a pair!)
After blood work and scans and ultrasounds and pees in cups, and pain killer shots (during which I told awful jokes and hummed silly songs to distract myself), the physician told me it was likely a ruptured ovarian cyst. So I got a codeine prescription and we shuffled home. We were both propped up in bed eating dinner and taking turns with my heating pad when the physician called me from the hospital. He'd discussed with my surgeon, Dr. Ben (who I guess was on call in the hospital) and he realized it was likely more serious then a cyst.
Dr. Ben asked me to come see him at his office, and we bumped our plans up a little. His clear concern concerned me, more then I had been. So now my laporoscopy will be the end of this month. I'd only wanted to wait so that I wouldn't be missing real work hours (since I'm off in the summer), but the waiting option has been taken off the table. And then come the big decisions: we will (because its what we've always wanted eventually) start trying for a handsome baby much sooner then later, so that I can go under for a full hysterectomy as soon as possible. And that is what I want.
I don't want to spend the next 10 years volleying between healthiness and awfulness, exploring different pharmaceutical paths and band-aid surgeries every other year, just because a baby etc hasn't been in our immediate plans. I want to get it all over with, get it all out, and move on. But first I want (and hope and wish and pray) to get fat and pregnant and glowy. Dr. Ben said he'd opt to preform a radical hysterectomy now (the only cure for Endometriosis), but he knows I want a baby of my own if its possible. The laporoscopy will give us a few more months to save and mentally prepare, and it'll leave me feeling healthy and happy enough to actively try (and enjoy trying) to get pregnant.
And then we'll get married, at some point. Eventually! Lol. Weddings have always come later then a baby, on the list of things I'd like to spend my money on. Teeny sparkly baby shoes make me giddier then wedding dresses in windows.
So for now, I laugh through the absolute discomfort, and I enjoy this heart-pounding city that has always healed my soul a little. And I stay away from Google before surgery, this time! And I don't stress about the time off work, or whether or not we can afford a baby in the next year. And I hope to start going to the bathroom and feeling skinny again, lol...codeine makes everything but my digestive system feel better.
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