In the rush of things, I never got around to posting this chunk of
writing that I did, only 2 days before our September 14th wedding. And then of course I was exhausted from all the work that accompanies a DIY wedding, I got right back into the new school year with a new group of kids, and then I got sick and lazy! But now that I get two whole weeks of Christmas break to enjoy, I have no more excuses. So here is a piece I wrote, about writing my wedding vows, along with the actual words I read that completely perfect (I still can't believe how perfectly it all turned out) late afternoon, three and a half months ago..
September 12th, 2013 - I've written novels, and children's books, and blogs, and thousands of poems, and I've written in a journal regularly since Grade 3. Despite all of that practice, writing my wedding vows has proven ridiculously difficult.
I've actually been writing my wedding vows since I was like, 16 years old. There are a bunch of journal pages over the last 10 years covered in romantic words inspired by a movie I'd just watched, or a poem I'd written. I've dog-eared pages to remind myself to add certain things into my vows one day. In the last 5 years I have written plenty of beautiful poems and sappy journal entries about my nearly-husband, but when I sat down to actually compose vows specifically to saw out loud in front of all our family and friends, to him specifically, I turned into such a dummy!
I used to attend weddings and be so shocked that no one was reciting vows they'd written themselves, because it seems like the one and only time you can profess your personal feelings and let everyone know exactly how you feel...but it makes sense now. There is already so much pressure (that I've mostly placed on myself) for a perfect wedding, but to have to add a bunch of perfect words on top of that, to be spoken during the most important few minutes of our lives together, makes for a crushing amount of pressure!
My body has been overwhelmed with emotions since the day we met, and to squeeze all of that into only a minute seems so impossible. but what parts do I leave out? Do guests want to laugh during the ceremony, or do I need to cut deep and aspire to make everyone weep? Are you supposed to actually say the word 'vow'? No wonder celebrities always say their more nervous then excited about being nominated for an Oscar! Winners are given like 70 seconds to thank everyone who's ever been nice to them, and throw in something inspiring and moving and uplifting, in front of the entire world! Right now, 85 guests FEEL like the entire world.
It's just tough! Especially refraining from rambling, that's the hardest part for me! My first draft was like an entire page long. We'd end up starting dinner at 8pm if I was allowed to say everything that I want to say to him. When you love someone enough to marry them, it could take DAYS to describe why you love them that much, to mention every wonderful, selfless thing they've ever done, every inside joke.
And because of all the wedding stress, the last minute changes we never prepared to be ready for, the lack of sleep, and lack of hours in the day, my brain has shut down! Completely! Not only can I not string a few beautiful, nostalgic words together..I can't string a few words together period!
* * * * *
"Dear Nolan
Besides I love you, all I really want to say to you is, thank you.
Thank you for asking for my number the first time we ran into each other downtown, years after sharing a high school media class. And thank you for not holding it against me when I apparently required Destiny to tell me more then once that you were the one.
Thank you for never giving up, and running away as fast as you could, no matter how sick, and anxious, and exhausting I got, over and over again.
Thank you for finally proposing! Lol
And thank you for loving me enough to stand up here,only 4 months later, promising to love me, forever.
I vow to love you forever, and to spend that forever proving that it was all worth it."
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