Thirsty

It's almost 8pm on a Saturday night, so the stars would be peeking through if it weren't so cloudy. It's surprisingly warm, and breezy the way it was one night on top of a Dominican hotel. It's Homecoming in our University city so there are drunk 'kids' heading towards the bus stops, screaming and laughing, caring very little about football I'm sure. And I'm sitting on a bench in the park, with my iTunes, a juice box, and the most spectacular baby, convincing myself that we have to look at it all through a half-full glass. 

I've been sick these last few weeks. Really sick. The throwing up, the diarrhea, the awesome pain in my lower abdomen, the zero energy. I'm going to be honest, I've been meaning to type about this since Monday, but the tears start stinging my eyes as soon as I start. 

Many people smile and tell you that pregnancy usually cures Endometriosis, and each time I appreciate their hopefulness. It's not true though. Being pregnant suspends your hormonal cycle, so new Endometriosis stops growing, which is nice! If you're lucky though, like me, and there's already Endometriosis in there before you get pregnant, it's possible you'll feel it throughout the pregnancy. Then it starts again, once things regulate after baby is born. 

About 3 weeks ago I started to get nauseous again, not just any kind of nauseous, but that familiar nauseous. And it terrified me. I recently pushed a baby out of my vagina, after my hips dislocated, and a 'sore tummy' terrifies me still. But it isn't the actual nausea that scares me, it's not even the fear of impending vomiting. I am terrified of being sick again, being THAT sick. I am terrified of being that sick, and feeling like a terrible mother because of it. So, after one too many minutes of listening to Boden cry while being stuck in the bathroom, I made an appointment with my OB/surgeon this past Monday, during which my heart was a little broken. 

A little over a year ago, when my Endometriosis had hit a new low, I told him that I just wanted to get it all over with, and get it all out. I wanted a full hysterectomy, the only 'cure' for Endometriosis. He agreed though, to just preform another Laporoscopy, and give us some time to try to get pregnant first. That 'course of treatment' lead to the craziest, busiest, loveliest summer season. My (now) husband proposed to me the night I got home after surgery, and we'd decided that we should get married before having a baby, or else we'd never want to spend our time/money on a wedding once we had a kid to care for. Since we needed to be pregnant as soon as possible (to avoid, as much as possible, my Endometriosis growing back), we decided to get married barely 4 months later. It's what made sense at the time! And only a few weeks after that, we were pregnant! And it was an awful pregnancy (7 out of 9 months anyways), but it was what we wanted, and during the really bad days, I reminded myself that I was going to have this glorious baby at the end of it all, and that I'd get to have a hysterectomy not too long afterwards. My Endometriosis would be all over, and I'd just spend the rest of my life being a normally healthy mom, and wife!

It turns out, apparently, it is actually viewed as quite unethical to preform a radical hysterectomy on a 28 year old, if she isn't dying. And just FEELING like you're dying doesn't count. I know that there are plenty of 'cons' to be considered when opting for such a serious surgery, but I was still shocked when my doctor told me he couldn't do it. Because that was the whole point! Wasn't it? Get married, and have a baby even though it wasn't actually something we'd planned on doing for a few years, so that I could have this surgery before Endometriosis completely ruined my life?! That's what I thought any ways. 

Instead, I'm back where I was before this whirlwind. And I swear, it has been a beautiful whirlwind, that has never been lost on me, but I didn't expect to end up here again. Here meaning, trying different birth controls, increasing the dose of my other medications, and just waiting to see how it goes. Waiting, and hoping, that maybe this time things will magically be better! During the appointment, I agreed to it, to the waiting and seeing. Because you trust the medical professionals, and because deep down of course I'd rather things just get better on their own, and not NEED another surgery. Of course! 

This morning though, I woke up sick. It's something I hadn't experienced since before my last Laporoscopy. I mean, morning sickness is waking up sick, but that's different. That's because there's a baby in there! It had been over a year since I woke up, no chance to stretch or catch my breath before feeling absolutely sick, and without a baby at the root of it. And I lost it a little bit. 

In all fairness, my period had shown up again (my first period in almost 2 years), and 'that' week makes Endometriosis feel 100xs worse. But I sat in my bathroom, stuck on my toilet, just crying. I was sad. And remarkably pissed off. And beyond thankful that it's the weekend, and my husband could be with the baby. But the weekend will end, and it'll just be me at home again, trying desperately to care for my baby the way he deserves to be cared for, when feeling this sick used to mean Gravol and Toradol, and Ativan, and curling around my heating pad in the dark. And I don't say any of that in hopes of sympathy. Even if it wasn't initially part of our short-term plans, being a mother, being at home all day with my baby while my most wonderful husband is at work providing for us, is all I've ever wanted! It has been more wonderful, these last 11 weeks, then I could have ever dreamed. But it is very scary to think that as far as being sick goes, this is just the beginning. It can't get better on it's own, it can only get worse. And that is daunting. That is really hard to imagine. When I remember the days I spent lying on my bathroom floor, feeling like I was dying, sometimes hoping I was dying, it is hard to imagine looking after a baby while feeling like that again. It is really hard not to feel terrified, every time I've had to take a Gravol, or extra Tylenol over the last few days, because that place was such a scary place, and I am nowhere near ready to be there again. 

In this very moment, there isn't a whole lot I can do, unfortunately. I'm going to hope that once this period is over I'll feel some relief, and I just have to hope that next month it's not as bad. I have to learn to be active, and productive even as the Gravol drowsiness sets in. I need to do some SERIOUS research (instead of spending my few free minutes Instagramming...and blogging, lol) on all that a hysterectomy entails, and try to find some younger women who have been through it. And then I need to decide what I want, and do whatever it takes to get it. Endometriosis has stolen over 6 years of my life.. I have a new life now, and it can't have this too. 

Most importantly, I need to concentrate on the 'half' of this situation that is still 'full'. This disease might be chugging out of my little glass, but what remains is still beautiful, and that is what's most important. 

For starters, there is the fact that so many women plagued by Endometriosis will not get the beautiful baby. I have this terrible illness, but I am one of the lucky ones, regardless. And I must say, no amount of Ativan or Gravol or pain killers can make me feel as better as holding that perfect teeny body does. He makes my soul feel better, and the soul runs deeper then any disease. 

The other thing that keeps my glass from completely drying up, is knowing I'm in such good hands. I will never enjoy the fact that I've had to be taken care of, but I am so lucky to be in such close proximity to such wonderful caretakers. I know that most people think it's ridiculous to live with my dad, but knowing he's still so close as I start to get sick again, is only one of many reasons I'm glad this is our home. And then there's my husband, who over the years has learned exactly what I need when I need it. Just the little things. Knowing that he will be by my side, does make this disgusting process a little less scary. 

They say a baby won't fix a relationship, and I entirely stand behind that, but it does make an already loving relationship even greater. Like, it is the greatest. I feel so proud to just walk around the mall with him, and our stroller. Even holding hands just feels greater. Whether I have Endometriosis or not, we get to spend the rest of our lives together, both as a couple and as a family. We get to watch as Boden brings SO much joy to all of our loved ones. And we never have to worry about him being sick, the way I am. Knowing that Boden can never have Endometriosis eases my heart so greatly, knowing what my being sick has done to my parents. 

Seeing your child suffer, is far worse then suffering yourself, so I should consider myself lucky, really. I'm not on the bathroom floor yet...I am surrounded by love and people who want to help fix me...I magically have the most beautiful baby, and I never have to watch him suffer through this disease. My glass is actually more then half full. 

Postpartum Princess

I've been quite open with my mental illness struggles over the years, mostly through this blog.  It makes sense that I've been asked (usually not directly) about my mental status since my little Boden came along. 

So here's an update!

Postpartum Depression effects a large (larger then you'd assume) number of women, and my years of prior depression did make me more vulnerable.  I knew going into it that there was a good chance I could develop it, and as my due date grew closer, I did worry a bit.  I'm sure my husband and my family worried more then I did.  Knowing how crippling depression can be, it was hard to imagine caring for a brand new baby in the throes of it. 

Alas!  I have come out unscathed.  So far! Curious, I Googled, and Postpartum Depression can start at any time during the first few months, though usually in the first week or two.  I can admit to being a little weary of the weather changing, as I'm one of about a million Canadians that deal with a touch of seasonal depression during our revolting winter every year, but by then I should be much better at keeping occupied, and feeling much more comfortable leaving the house with the baby.  So really, I can honestly (and gratefully) say that Postpartum Depression was/is not in the cards for this mommy. 

Once we did get home, I definitely experienced what I assume were the 'baby blues'.  The hormones that surge through your body AFTER the pregnancy is over, are remarkable, and I cried A LOT.  But I'm fairly sure that's normal.  There is an adjustment period, and it's hard, and crying helps! They weren't sad tears, or angry tears, just because tears. 

I did notice my anxiety ramping up in the hospital, but that was expected.  I do not deal well with not being in control of my body, it's a diagnosed fear, and I'm not sure if there's any point in life where you give up more control then during delivery.  Also, no one LIKES being in the hospital, and I was there much longer then anticipated.  Anyone who can actually sleep in the hospital is my hero, especially between the scheduled interruptions for poking and prodding.  The bathroom was awful, which is a big deal for me and my tummy, and there were just far too many strangers around at all times.  I have said that we greatly appreciated the care we received before being discharged, but the last 48hrs or so I could feel the anxiety just crawling under my skin. 

The hardest part for me, was the physical recovery. I have been sick for years, but feeling disabled while being completely depended on by a helpless baby was not something I accepted well.  The pain was pretty unreal. 

I do not wish dislocated hips on my worst enemy.  It was a good two weeks before I could walk without wincing.  I left our basement apartment as little as possible because the stairs were awful, and I needed a stool to get in and out of bed.  Sleeping was AWFUL! I am NOT a back sleeper, but my hips wouldn't let me sleep on my side again for nearly a month. 

And then there's the vagina stitches.  Good lord!  Stitches do not belong anywhere near a vagina!  Granted I haven't had stitches anywhere else (well, internally after surgery I guess), I can't imagine stitches in your arm feel anything like stitches in your VAGINA!  As soon as the epidural wore off, the feeling was literally breath-taking.  Standing up and sitting down would suck the breath right out of me.  As would taking steps bigger then a shuffle.  Unless you had your vagina cut/torn open for some other reason then a baby, it's not like you can just lay in bed for a month while it heals, so it's a constant pulling and stretching. Just thinking about it makes me nauseous, lol. 

My greatest suggestion to all expecting mothers, is to be prepared with Witch Hazel pads! Just in case!  You can buy pre-soaked pads from Tucks, or after every bathroom break you soak a cotton ball in it, and leave it against the incision before pulling your pants back up! (Not that I was able to get my legs into pants for like 2 weeks) I could just kiss the friend that recommended this to me, for saving me from vagina-stitches-pain-induced hysteria. 

The physical pain though, left me feeling helpless, and that's what was so hard to deal with. There is so much you need to physically do when you bring a new baby home, and so much more that you want to do.  Had my inability to move freely lasted much longer, I can see how that would have lead to a depression, for sure.  I'm don’t know if it's just a woman thing, or a protective mother thing, but I naturally expected so much of myself, and felt like such a failure when I couldn’t get out of bed to feed him fast enough in the middle of the night.  It's hard to be patient with yourself when you're trying to be the best mommy you can be. 

Now though, it has been almost 11 weeks since giving birth and I am feeling pretty great!  I'm constantly amazed by how little sleep I can function off of.  I have survived two episodes of clogged milk ducts (yet another glorious reason that men should be thankful they were born men), and I’m finally (almost) going to the bathroom like a normal person again. 

I have also dropped back down to my pre-baby weight!  Which is exciting, but nothing I can take credit for really, as it just happened naturally.  I still find it remarkable, all the things my body has just done all on its own.  Of course every woman leaves about 10lbs behind in the delivery room (or more, if you're blessed with a big baby, yeowzers!), but by Boden's 1 week appointment I had already lost 25lbs! Next to Gastric Bypass, I'm sure having a baby is the only way a person can lose 25lbs in a week. 

It's all VERY different, though.  I weigh what I did before getting pregnant, but the weight looks very different.  My boobs are bigger of course, and my hips are still a little bigger.  Did you know that your hands can stay swollen after having a baby?  My legs (hips to feet) swelled to the size if tree trunks after the delivery, but they returned to normal after about two weeks, and yet I still can't get my wedding ring on my finger! 

Everything is much softer, too.  Of course!  The few stretch marks on my tummy are fading nicely (another very pleasant surprise), but it'll take some gym dedication to regain the muscle tone that disappears as everything stretches to accommodate the baby.  I just bought bright, new runners which will hopefully serve as a little extra motivation to get to the gym.  Eventually!  I have however just started to go for daily walks, as STRONGLY suggested by my dad.  It does in fact feel pretty good to be outside, and having at least one excuse to get out of my PJs every day is a very good thing.  Plus, if I walk every (work week, lol) day then Friday's we walk to Starbucks ;)
And that is all, for now! My Endometriosis and I are duking it out again, already, but I don't have the time or desire to type about that right now.  Boden continues to grow, and change in huge ways.  He has been sleeping better, and better.  He babbles and chatters, and he is going to be a great jumper!  He's starting to smile!  He is so handsome its ridiculous!  It isn't easy by any means, becoming a parent, but we have adjusted quite well.  We're continuing to adjust!  We are all quite happy, and healthy, and so well loved.  And really, that's all that matters when it comes to this update.  Isn't it?