I've been quite open with my mental illness struggles over the years,
mostly through this blog. It makes sense
that I've been asked (usually not directly) about my mental status since my
little Boden came along.
So here's an update!
Postpartum Depression effects a large (larger then you'd assume) number of women, and my years of prior depression did make me more vulnerable. I knew going into it that there was a good chance I could develop it, and as my due date grew closer, I did worry a bit. I'm sure my husband and my family worried more then I did. Knowing how crippling depression can be, it was hard to imagine caring for a brand new baby in the throes of it.
Alas! I have come out unscathed. So far! Curious, I Googled, and Postpartum Depression can start at any time during the first few months, though usually in the first week or two. I can admit to being a little weary of the weather changing, as I'm one of about a million Canadians that deal with a touch of seasonal depression during our revolting winter every year, but by then I should be much better at keeping occupied, and feeling much more comfortable leaving the house with the baby. So really, I can honestly (and gratefully) say that Postpartum Depression was/is not in the cards for this mommy.
Once we did get home, I definitely experienced what I assume were the 'baby blues'. The hormones that surge through your body AFTER the pregnancy is over, are remarkable, and I cried A LOT. But I'm fairly sure that's normal. There is an adjustment period, and it's hard, and crying helps! They weren't sad tears, or angry tears, just because tears.
I did notice my anxiety ramping up in the hospital, but that was expected. I do not deal well with not being in control of my body, it's a diagnosed fear, and I'm not sure if there's any point in life where you give up more control then during delivery. Also, no one LIKES being in the hospital, and I was there much longer then anticipated. Anyone who can actually sleep in the hospital is my hero, especially between the scheduled interruptions for poking and prodding. The bathroom was awful, which is a big deal for me and my tummy, and there were just far too many strangers around at all times. I have said that we greatly appreciated the care we received before being discharged, but the last 48hrs or so I could feel the anxiety just crawling under my skin.
The hardest part for me, was the physical recovery. I have been sick for years, but feeling disabled while being completely depended on by a helpless baby was not something I accepted well. The pain was pretty unreal.
I do not wish dislocated hips on my worst enemy. It was a good two weeks before I could walk without wincing. I left our basement apartment as little as possible because the stairs were awful, and I needed a stool to get in and out of bed. Sleeping was AWFUL! I am NOT a back sleeper, but my hips wouldn't let me sleep on my side again for nearly a month.
And then there's the vagina stitches. Good lord! Stitches do not belong anywhere near a vagina! Granted I haven't had stitches anywhere else (well, internally after surgery I guess), I can't imagine stitches in your arm feel anything like stitches in your VAGINA! As soon as the epidural wore off, the feeling was literally breath-taking. Standing up and sitting down would suck the breath right out of me. As would taking steps bigger then a shuffle. Unless you had your vagina cut/torn open for some other reason then a baby, it's not like you can just lay in bed for a month while it heals, so it's a constant pulling and stretching. Just thinking about it makes me nauseous, lol.
My greatest suggestion to all expecting mothers, is to be prepared with Witch Hazel pads! Just in case! You can buy pre-soaked pads from Tucks, or after every bathroom break you soak a cotton ball in it, and leave it against the incision before pulling your pants back up! (Not that I was able to get my legs into pants for like 2 weeks) I could just kiss the friend that recommended this to me, for saving me from vagina-stitches-pain-induced hysteria.
The physical pain though, left me feeling helpless, and that's what was so hard to deal with. There is so much you need to physically do when you bring a new baby home, and so much more that you want to do. Had my inability to move freely lasted much longer, I can see how that would have lead to a depression, for sure. I'm don’t know if it's just a woman thing, or a protective mother thing, but I naturally expected so much of myself, and felt like such a failure when I couldn’t get out of bed to feed him fast enough in the middle of the night. It's hard to be patient with yourself when you're trying to be the best mommy you can be.
Now though, it has been almost 11 weeks since giving birth and I am feeling pretty great! I'm constantly amazed by how little sleep I can function off of. I have survived two episodes of clogged milk ducts (yet another glorious reason that men should be thankful they were born men), and I’m finally (almost) going to the bathroom like a normal person again.
I have also dropped back down to my pre-baby weight! Which is exciting, but nothing I can take credit for really, as it just happened naturally. I still find it remarkable, all the things my body has just done all on its own. Of course every woman leaves about 10lbs behind in the delivery room (or more, if you're blessed with a big baby, yeowzers!), but by Boden's 1 week appointment I had already lost 25lbs! Next to Gastric Bypass, I'm sure having a baby is the only way a person can lose 25lbs in a week.
It's all VERY different, though. I weigh what I did before getting pregnant, but the weight looks very different. My boobs are bigger of course, and my hips are still a little bigger. Did you know that your hands can stay swollen after having a baby? My legs (hips to feet) swelled to the size if tree trunks after the delivery, but they returned to normal after about two weeks, and yet I still can't get my wedding ring on my finger!
Everything is much softer, too. Of course! The few stretch marks on my tummy are fading nicely (another very pleasant surprise), but it'll take some gym dedication to regain the muscle tone that disappears as everything stretches to accommodate the baby. I just bought bright, new runners which will hopefully serve as a little extra motivation to get to the gym. Eventually! I have however just started to go for daily walks, as STRONGLY suggested by my dad. It does in fact feel pretty good to be outside, and having at least one excuse to get out of my PJs every day is a very good thing. Plus, if I walk every (work week, lol) day then Friday's we walk to Starbucks ;)
And that is all, for now! My Endometriosis and I are duking it out again, already, but I don't have the time or desire to type about that right now. Boden continues to grow, and change in huge ways. He has been sleeping better, and better. He babbles and chatters, and he is going to be a great jumper! He's starting to smile! He is so handsome its ridiculous! It isn't easy by any means, becoming a parent, but we have adjusted quite well. We're continuing to adjust! We are all quite happy, and healthy, and so well loved. And really, that's all that matters when it comes to this update. Isn't it?
So here's an update!
Postpartum Depression effects a large (larger then you'd assume) number of women, and my years of prior depression did make me more vulnerable. I knew going into it that there was a good chance I could develop it, and as my due date grew closer, I did worry a bit. I'm sure my husband and my family worried more then I did. Knowing how crippling depression can be, it was hard to imagine caring for a brand new baby in the throes of it.
Alas! I have come out unscathed. So far! Curious, I Googled, and Postpartum Depression can start at any time during the first few months, though usually in the first week or two. I can admit to being a little weary of the weather changing, as I'm one of about a million Canadians that deal with a touch of seasonal depression during our revolting winter every year, but by then I should be much better at keeping occupied, and feeling much more comfortable leaving the house with the baby. So really, I can honestly (and gratefully) say that Postpartum Depression was/is not in the cards for this mommy.
Once we did get home, I definitely experienced what I assume were the 'baby blues'. The hormones that surge through your body AFTER the pregnancy is over, are remarkable, and I cried A LOT. But I'm fairly sure that's normal. There is an adjustment period, and it's hard, and crying helps! They weren't sad tears, or angry tears, just because tears.
I did notice my anxiety ramping up in the hospital, but that was expected. I do not deal well with not being in control of my body, it's a diagnosed fear, and I'm not sure if there's any point in life where you give up more control then during delivery. Also, no one LIKES being in the hospital, and I was there much longer then anticipated. Anyone who can actually sleep in the hospital is my hero, especially between the scheduled interruptions for poking and prodding. The bathroom was awful, which is a big deal for me and my tummy, and there were just far too many strangers around at all times. I have said that we greatly appreciated the care we received before being discharged, but the last 48hrs or so I could feel the anxiety just crawling under my skin.
The hardest part for me, was the physical recovery. I have been sick for years, but feeling disabled while being completely depended on by a helpless baby was not something I accepted well. The pain was pretty unreal.
I do not wish dislocated hips on my worst enemy. It was a good two weeks before I could walk without wincing. I left our basement apartment as little as possible because the stairs were awful, and I needed a stool to get in and out of bed. Sleeping was AWFUL! I am NOT a back sleeper, but my hips wouldn't let me sleep on my side again for nearly a month.
And then there's the vagina stitches. Good lord! Stitches do not belong anywhere near a vagina! Granted I haven't had stitches anywhere else (well, internally after surgery I guess), I can't imagine stitches in your arm feel anything like stitches in your VAGINA! As soon as the epidural wore off, the feeling was literally breath-taking. Standing up and sitting down would suck the breath right out of me. As would taking steps bigger then a shuffle. Unless you had your vagina cut/torn open for some other reason then a baby, it's not like you can just lay in bed for a month while it heals, so it's a constant pulling and stretching. Just thinking about it makes me nauseous, lol.
My greatest suggestion to all expecting mothers, is to be prepared with Witch Hazel pads! Just in case! You can buy pre-soaked pads from Tucks, or after every bathroom break you soak a cotton ball in it, and leave it against the incision before pulling your pants back up! (Not that I was able to get my legs into pants for like 2 weeks) I could just kiss the friend that recommended this to me, for saving me from vagina-stitches-pain-induced hysteria.
The physical pain though, left me feeling helpless, and that's what was so hard to deal with. There is so much you need to physically do when you bring a new baby home, and so much more that you want to do. Had my inability to move freely lasted much longer, I can see how that would have lead to a depression, for sure. I'm don’t know if it's just a woman thing, or a protective mother thing, but I naturally expected so much of myself, and felt like such a failure when I couldn’t get out of bed to feed him fast enough in the middle of the night. It's hard to be patient with yourself when you're trying to be the best mommy you can be.
Now though, it has been almost 11 weeks since giving birth and I am feeling pretty great! I'm constantly amazed by how little sleep I can function off of. I have survived two episodes of clogged milk ducts (yet another glorious reason that men should be thankful they were born men), and I’m finally (almost) going to the bathroom like a normal person again.
I have also dropped back down to my pre-baby weight! Which is exciting, but nothing I can take credit for really, as it just happened naturally. I still find it remarkable, all the things my body has just done all on its own. Of course every woman leaves about 10lbs behind in the delivery room (or more, if you're blessed with a big baby, yeowzers!), but by Boden's 1 week appointment I had already lost 25lbs! Next to Gastric Bypass, I'm sure having a baby is the only way a person can lose 25lbs in a week.
It's all VERY different, though. I weigh what I did before getting pregnant, but the weight looks very different. My boobs are bigger of course, and my hips are still a little bigger. Did you know that your hands can stay swollen after having a baby? My legs (hips to feet) swelled to the size if tree trunks after the delivery, but they returned to normal after about two weeks, and yet I still can't get my wedding ring on my finger!
Everything is much softer, too. Of course! The few stretch marks on my tummy are fading nicely (another very pleasant surprise), but it'll take some gym dedication to regain the muscle tone that disappears as everything stretches to accommodate the baby. I just bought bright, new runners which will hopefully serve as a little extra motivation to get to the gym. Eventually! I have however just started to go for daily walks, as STRONGLY suggested by my dad. It does in fact feel pretty good to be outside, and having at least one excuse to get out of my PJs every day is a very good thing. Plus, if I walk every (work week, lol) day then Friday's we walk to Starbucks ;)
And that is all, for now! My Endometriosis and I are duking it out again, already, but I don't have the time or desire to type about that right now. Boden continues to grow, and change in huge ways. He has been sleeping better, and better. He babbles and chatters, and he is going to be a great jumper! He's starting to smile! He is so handsome its ridiculous! It isn't easy by any means, becoming a parent, but we have adjusted quite well. We're continuing to adjust! We are all quite happy, and healthy, and so well loved. And really, that's all that matters when it comes to this update. Isn't it?
No comments:
Post a Comment