But Seriously

I told a friend that I was taking me and my morning sickness out for ‘breakfast’ this morning, and of course she excitedly asked if I was pregnant. Lol, we’re not close friends, clearly, but it reminded me of a bone I have to pick with all of you. You, being society in general.

How come we still feel it’s appropriate to comment on a woman’s postpartum body, or their postpartum life?

I’m nearly 4 years postpartum, but it still irks me.

A week ago we attended my Mother In Law’s funeral. (Insert deep breaths here) Attending a funeral always comes with polite pleasantries with people you know of but don’t know, and between all of the sweetest comments and memories being shared I was shocked by how many times my body and my life as a mom were brought up.

I was told, ‘If I had a kid that cute I’d have 5 more!’ and ‘If I didn’t have to go back to work, I’d have at least one more kid!’ and my personal favorite, ‘If my body looked like that after being pregnant, I’d have 3 more!’ I understand that all of these things slip through mouths meant as a compliment, so I’ve learned to smile or giggle and nod instead of screaming ‘I'VE BEEN SICK FOR 12 YEARS AND I DON’T HAVE A UTERUS ANYMORE SO FUCK OFF PLEASE!’  But.  Friends.  We need to raise our level of consciousness and think for just one extra second before saying such things.

And because I’m currently on my own with a latte I didn’t make myself, breathing outside air deeply, I’m going to take a sec to address these few things..

1 - How cute YOU think a child is literally has nothing to do with how big a family is going to grow to be!

Is society still this shallow, that instead of commenting on how well behaved our toddler is being while stuck in the midst of a boring visitation full of crying adults, we’re talking about how attractive he is? And we’re talking about it as if it’s really a deciding factor? I can admit that I throw that ‘they’d make beautiful babies together’ line around, but never to someone’s face, and never in the sense that they SHOULD make babies because they’d be beautiful.

Our A+ genetics have absolutely nothing to do with why Boden is an only child. And as much as I chose to only have one, I didn’t really get the choice, and being reminded of that at any time, never mind at a time I’m already over emotional, will always sting. We have no idea why one family is teeny and another is huge.

A tip - Please feel free to remind me that, ‘shit your kid is cute!’ anytime you want, but unless you’re genuinely asking about our choices as a family, it’s safest to just avoid commenting on his non-existent siblings.

2 - I feel so goddamn lucky to have spent these last nearly-4 years at home with Boden. So goddamn lucky. Even on the days that I have to lock myself in the bathroom, or the days I cry because I know I can’t yell at him, or the days I cry because I’m just so freaking exhausted and unmotivated, I go to bed feeling so lucky. And I know that it’s a privilege, that not everyone can afford to stay home once Mat Leave ends (and don’t get me started on the lack of Mat Leave that my American friends get). But it’s way too easy to assume that finances are the only reason a mother chooses to stay home instead of returning to work.

We are VERY comfy as a family, but I am well aware of how much comfier we’d be if I’d gone back to work 3 years ago. And there have been so many days that I wish I was at work instead of at home, or more so that I wish I could work instead of being at home.

As soon as it was done growing and nourishing a new human, my body turned on me, again. When I wasn’t feeding or changing or waking up 39 times a night with my baby, I was in the bathroom sick and crying. You know, I actually tried, and failed to work after Boden turned 1.  I took my most favorite kid (next to my own) all day while her parents worked, for a few months. But I was too sick. I loved her with my whole heart and I loved her and Boden together, and I don’t think any other job would have made me happier, but I just couldn’t.


Since giving birth I’ve undergone and recovered from 3 surgeries because of my Endometriosis. That alone doesn’t leave much time to be gainfully employed.
I am lucky, and I think all moms (or dads) who stay home with their kids are lucky, but again, please don’t assume that’s the whole story.

A tip - It’s very ok to say, ‘It’s so nice you get to spend these days with him.’ Or! For bonus points, ‘Being a stay-at-home mom is such a hard job, and you’re doing SO good!’ You can make a comment or a compliment without making an assumption.

3 - Don’t get me wrong, I know that so many women struggle to lose the baby weight, and my lack of a waist can be envied and seen as lucky. I get that. But unless we are best friends who discuss such personal things, I don’t get why anyone comments on it.

Postpartum recovery does likely play a part in a woman’s decision to have more kids. Some women love being pregnant, and some women’s bodies respond much faster and easier then others after giving birth. Honestly, if I hadn’t been SO sick while pregnant, and I hadn’t had such a traumatic labor and delivery, I would have considered trying for another one before my Hysterectomy a little heavier. Women are allowed to consider 1000 different things when choosing whether or not to have kids, but no one else is allowed to comment on those things. Especially the way she looks. How do we not KNOW this by now?

Some of it is luck, in my case. Luck/ genetics. My mom had 3 of us, and she’s got a smokin bod, and I definitely think that plays a part. But what was the main reason I was so skinny so soon after gaining 40+ lbs while pregnant? It was the puking and the shitting and the nausea that left me with a minimal appetite. It was a disease. And none of that has ever felt lucky. Ever. I promise that I’d rather be 10lbs heavier right now, then as nauseous as I am this morning, and I’ve always struggled with the fact that that’s so hard for so many people to understand.

A tip - Whether it’s luck or genetics or illness or the fact that a mom has worked her fucking ass off at the gym every morning, it’s just wrong to equate her body with how many kids she should have.

You can tell a mom, ‘You look amazing,’ even if she knows she actually looks tired and hasn’t changed her shirt in 3 days! You can (and should!) compliment a mother without bringing her weight into the conversation! You can make her feel good about herself without making the woman next to her feel like she shouldn’t have more kids just because she hasn’t lost all the baby weight!

Or just talk about the weather, instead!