Bye, Decade

This last decade was one of toilet-selfies, post-op selfies, selfies featuring my sleep mask (good for sleeping, but also cushioning the forehead while resting on the toilet seat), and in-bed selfies.  The most remarkable things were sprinkled in between, but at the heart of it, this last decade was home to my illness.  

2010 was the year I spent time in a rehab facility, after one too many ‘professionals’ told me my illness was all in my head.  It was 2011 before I finally found a doctor who took my suffering seriously, underwent my first surgery, and finally received my Endometriosis diagnosis.  

This last decade has been a rollercoaster of sick and relief.  I’ve woken up feeling completely normal, and utterly thankful, and I’ve woken up unable to leave bed.  I’ve been the most amazing mother and partner, and I’ve been completely useless.  I’ve been able to start my own business(es), and I’ve been too sick to get a ‘normal’ job.  I’ve spent days adventuring outside of my comfort zone, and days recovering from yet another surgery.  I’ve made the most remarkable friends, after losing so many because I was too sick to keep up.  I’ve volunteered for school events, and I’ve napped away entire school days.  

It is a teeny depressing to realize that at the end of an entire decade, I’m not ‘fixed’.  It’s been a decade of fighting to figure shit out, and I’m still fighting and figuring.  I am healthier, overall, then I was 10 years ago, and that’s a pretty hopeful feeling.  I also get scared wondering if this might be the best I’ll ever feel.  I’m only 34 (almost), do I start ‘settling’ now?!

Don’t get me wrong, I’d take today’s feelings over 10 years ago, any day!  Today I am achy, and the kind of tired that blows my mind every time (because I napped yesterday and slept very decently last night, so wtf?!), but 10 years ago I felt worst then this, every single day.  After years of only sick days, I get to experience good days, and even really good days.  And that is never lost on me. (And I’m thankful Instagram makes it so easy to scroll through and remind myself of all of the really good days, while I’m stuck in the bathroom!)

I have a feeling that 2020 will be full of acceptance. Or at least me trying really hard to accept things.  Menopause murdered my self-esteem in 2019.  I hated the way my body looked, for the first time since high school.  The game that my hormones (natural and synthetic) have been playing has been destroying my complexion lately, and I’m honestly trying to to cry about the sudden influx of white hairs I’ve been plucking out of my already thinning head.  

I’ve gotten a really good hold on my anxiety, and in that sense I feel strong and mentally healthy.  (Fuck, that’s a MEGA feat in itself!)  But I know this next year, the start of this next decade, will be full of hard work to remain positive, and optimistic, and loving my physical self despite all the the inevitable changes.  Come to think of it, I guess that’s my only ‘resolution’; more self-care, in order to keep loving all of me.  And also blogging/ journaling more.  Or at least not leaving said blogging to the last minute so that I’m not just annoyed and bored and can’t think of any decent words because I’m over it already, blah blah blah

lol  😏)