Endurance

It may be wishful thinking..it may be too much House on MegaVideo, but I got a glimpse of hope last night.

I was in a perfectly good mood yesterday. I was in a perfectly good mood all weekend, actually, despite the Ativan needed at work. It was 9ish, and I text my boyfriend a "good night :)", and I never randomly type smiley faces. Thats how good a mood I was in! Then my stomach spoke up out of nowhere, and the panic followed even faster.

It was weird though! I don't know if you would call it out-of-body, or just insightful, but I could almost pause the attack for a second, to analyze everything. I could see all the ques leading from the IBS to the panic, I could separate and name all my symptoms, and even map out where my mind was trying to escaping to.

Instead of seeing myself on the bathroom floor, that night, with that REMARKABLE flu, my thoughts went to Kristy, the younger sister of a girl friend, who I drove home after work on Thursday night. She'd told me about the daycare she worked at being diagnosed with a Norwalk outbreak a week ago.

I could SEE my brain trying to convince my body that it NEEDED to panic 'because Kristy was really sick and I was in a car with her..I ate a gross leftover samwich for dinner..I didnt take any Imodium yet today..'

Is that a sign of progress? My brain has to work to find better reasons to panic because the original reasons are getting old and no longer work at the snap of a finger. Maybe I'm getting ahead of myself..I can be hopeful, but hope doesn't really guarantee the next attack will be as easy to decipher and defuse. Plus, I still took an Ativan the moment it hit me, so me and my diagnostic tendencies don't get all the credit.

Or am I just completely nuts, (I think I've asked that question before..) thinking I can now see an anxious-self and a rational one, bickering every time I overheat?

Answer: Split personalities= definitely nuts.

(And if I want any chance at marrying my boyfriend, I'll never use that psychiatric term again ;) ..)

But being able to step outside myself in that chaotic moment, and realize that the pounding heart rate, flushed face, and jello'y limbs aren't necessary, that's a skill! A skill I never thought I'd need to acquire, but one that is proving far more useful then long-division or understanding the periodic table.