Me, Myself, and I

A most recent journal excerpt..

"Just breathe Jorja. We're cool, we're at home, we have Clonaz, and if we need to we can call Nolan 36 times until he wakes up! But we're fine! This is really, probably just the box of mini wheats and all that extra fiber you introduced to your bod all of a sudden, sill working it's way through your system. And that's normal, that's what needs to happen, so just hold on. And after this we can go back to sleep since we've already been up 7 hours and cleaned and de-Halloweened the front porch! And after a few hours we will wake up, take our time, have a really long shower, and get ready for the movies! And at the movies we'll have frozen yogurt and squeeze Nolan real tight and hide our eyes during the ridiculous parts! Then Nolan will bring you home, stay to watch the latest Dexter, and spoon you until he needs to go to work. And at that point, we'll brush our teeth, turn Greys on, and make pretty pictures with the new Sharpie set we will pick up on the way to the movies!

See! All is fine.

(Except for the fact that you've been talking yourself this entire page.)"



I don't know why it seems to help so much. I try to take on this calm, intelligent, rational persona, one who doesn't have a Panic Disorder, and then I try to comfort myself.

It's a little nutso, yes. But if I'm home alone, or I don't want to bother someone else's busy day by asking them for company until a particular attack subsides..well, who the heck else am I foing to talk to?! Who else I going to reassure me that I'm not having a heart attack, and that it'll pass!?

My only question though, as a read through the really sloppy, clearly anxious pages in my journals (and I dont do that often, because who really wants to relive THAT), I start to think about The United States of Tara. It is a show in which the mind blowingly brilliant Toni Colett plays a woman who in fact has about...5 personalities! The show is ridiculously entertaining because she honestly plays each character so fully, and their all completely different people..besides the point. Split personalities is what I was getting at!

I in no way forsee myself being diagnosed with a split personality (There was recantly a woman on Oprah with like 51 selves! And Im not saying 51 as an exaggeration!) , BUT! How is it that I can more often then not, split myself into two when Im feeling attacked?

There is my anxious self, my real self..who is sweating and twitchy and on the verge of crying. And then there is this other person who starts talking when she needs to! A motherly type person, reassuring my actual, anxious self that I am going to survive this.

So I'm asking for an opinion (polite ones only think you, I am in no need to be reading "you fuckin nut job", thank you).

Is it simply a healthy coping mechanism, one that worked once, so it continues when necessary? Or should I keep my eyes peeled for another 'other'? Like a psycho killer then comes out only when the motherly me cant settle the anxious me..and that me just chops peoples heads off when they're sleeping and I can't sleep because Im anxious and my motherly self cant calm me!?

lol.

The Clonaz (thank god for Bri!!) (And YES, Bri is a real actual person who is not one of the other MEs) has me dopey, so I'm just going to leave it at that, and hit PUBLISH before I give you readers any more of a desire to have me committed.