Home Sweet Home

Just before the holidays arrived, Princess Georgia took a trip with King Daddy, and Prince Charming. They dined, and shopped, and enjoyed the extra sun, and the Princess also took her Prince to meet some very dear fellow friends of hers!

My parents took my brother and sister and I to Disney World, as kids. Nothing was more magical then that! Disney is like Christmas, it just draws all the love and joy out of you, and those around you, and wraps you in the warmest memories no matter what was going on the day before, or what was supposed to happen tomorrow. You can not help but be in love walking through the Disney air, and just happy, as you recognize that love in the faces of the hundreds of other families walking too. And that is why I knew from that young age, that I simply HAD to come back to the Magic Kingdom one day, with my boyfriend!

17 years ago, it's entirely likely that I assumed the boyfriend I'd return with would be Jonathon Taylor Thomas, or Zac Hanson, if I was lucky..but 17 years later, it all worked out rather perfectly. And I was right! While Disney is SO magical as a child, because everything is new, and so real, and so big...it was definitely just as magical to be strolling those streets as a 25 year old, holding hands with the love of your life. Love, and magic, on top of love and magic.

I don't care what people (my Grama, lol) say about it being a ridiculously overpriced day, and noisy, and too busy, and nothing new...it is where dreams come true. Where the glass slipper ALWAYS fits.

Florida was my first post-op vacation. My too-high expectations were slightly un-met, because I am a naturally anxious traveler, and our vacation dates matched my 'time of the month' dates, so I hurt a lot, and I didn't eat much, but I was happy. I was happy to get away, and smile, and be in love, and spend quality time, and start leaving the past few excruciating years in the past.

If only giant tricycles, and 24/7 Walmarts were more prevalent in Ontario...

Happiest holidays,

Princess Georgia

Princess Post-Op

Princess Georgia usually sleeps until the afternoon sun gets warm, but this morning there was a very persistent knock at the palace entrance. She made her way down the grand staircase, and as she got closer to the door, she was puzzled. There was a teeny, old man on the other side of the window, whom she'd never seen before. "Maybe I'm still sleeping," the Princess whispered, because she thought she knew everyone in her kingdom.

"Princess Georgia," the little man said as she slowly opened the door. "Pardon me, Sir, but who's asking?" she frowned. "Benjamin Murr, your Majesty," he answered, bowing his little back politely. Princess Georgia giggled. She knew it was propped to bow to royalty, but it still looked silly! "Can I help you, Mr. Ben?" the Princess offered. "No, my dear. I'm hear to help you."

Still puzzled, still giggling, Princess Georgia joined this mysterious guest out on the front patio.

The Princess yawned, and the man began to explain. "I am an ancient medicine man, I come from four villages over."

The Princess was excited, she'd never known anyone from so far away, because she'd never been more then one village away from home.

"I have walked day and night to bring you something." The Princess eagerly held out her hands, because what girl doesn't adore a present.

"This is not a gift you can hold in your hands, Princess. This is a gift for your body and your mind. Word has flown through the villages, of a poor Princess who has been haunted by an ugly monster. I can help you defeat him, Princess."

Princess Georgia was in awe. However, she was also skeptical. The King has had many doctors and magicians, potion makers, and army leaders working to find a way to save his little Princess. Eventually everyone came up empty handed, and the Princess grew very discouraged.

"I believe that there is something in you, that makes you easier prey for this monster," Mr. Ben began to explain, as the Princess's frown grew deeper. "If you let me run a simple test, I believe I will find something in you, that is not in others, something that makes you more vulnerable to this monster."

Princess Georgia ran to find her father, and with the King by her side, she let the medicine man preform his test.

After all the excitement, after her early morning wake-up, princess Georgia went back to sleep when the test was finished. When she awoke again, the King, and her Prince Charming were standing in her room with the medicine man. They were all smiling!

Turns out, the medicine man found a seed of sickness deep inside the Princess's tummy. It was that hidden illness that made the Princess easier for the Anxiety Monster to attack, versus a villager who didn't have the illness.

"This man was able to fix your illness, Princess," her father exclaimed.

"Once you heal, it is going to be much, much harder for that monster to haunt you, Princess," the medicine man explained. "I can not promise that you will never see that monster ever again, but I can promise that you will be so much stronger, the next time you need to fight him off."

The Princess smiled a sleepy smile. This was the first real answer anyone had been able to give her, about her battle with the Anxiety Monster. She had been fighting him for ages, and now someone was promising her, it'll get better. Imagine that! Princess Georgia hugged the tiny man, and as she watched him begin his long journey back, she realized she felt stronger already.

And I do feel better. I realize that most of it is because mentally I am more at peace over what's been going on inside my body. Going in for surgery has given me a straight answer, and more then anything, that's what I've been hoping for. My anxiety has always been heavily triggered by abdominal pain and nausea, and thanks to surgery, I now know what has been causing those symptoms.

When I went in for my post-op follow-up, the surgeon gave me an overdue, official Endometriosis diagnosis. TA-DA!!

Surgery was more then I had anticipated. Considering my history of anxious thinking, I'm still not sure why I was so sure it was no big deal at all, when I first scheduled it. I've had plenty of procedures in the hospital before, all which required IVs, so I figured I was a seasoned pro! But surgery is really quite different then a procedure. It was overwhelming.

I woke up 3 hours earlier then I needed to, and sat in bed watching TV, and starving! It was probably the best thing I could have done though, because I was SO tired by the time I got to the hospital, I practically slept through all the anxious waiting that you do before they finally take you away. Plus, my daddy was there! He had dropped me off at the main hospital doors, and hugged me lots, but had to leave because he had meetings to get to. Then, as I was giving the check-in nurses my information, he came running in! For almost an hour he sat in my little curtained room, making me laugh, and forget about the needles and slicing. I think that's what I will always remember most about the entire experience. That, and my boyfriend washing my hair and giving me a bath, because getting in the shower seemed terrifying!


I was surprisingly calm while waiting to go in, and go under (Well, I was allowed to take an Ativan, so), but when I woke up a few hours later, all I could do was cry. Including the removal of my wisdom teeth, I've been put under 3 times, but when someone is cutting into your body, they put you OUT! Being drunk or being high, feeling like I'm not in complete control of my own body, has made me extremely nervous over the last few years, so waking up in recovery prettyyy out of it, was scary to say the least. I remember the post-op nurse telling me 'deep breaths' and then she gave me a cookie. At the time I thought that was hysterical.

I napped when I got home, after a girlfriend brought me flowers, and then, since the original IV drugs were still very much in my system lol, I made my boyfriend take me to the grocery store for juice and goldfishes. The next morning, however? Waiting for the T3s to kick in, it felt as though I'd just done sit-ups for 24 hours straight, been STABBED in the bellybutton, and then had each of my ribs broken. Overwhelllllllmed.


I cried a lot! And was confused a lot, because once the bandages came off, turns out it was the teeniest incisions that were causing all that pain. But it was all worth it. Thank geezes!

The surgeon told us that while he was in there, he was actually able to remove most of the current Endometrial implants (found on my uterus and bladder)! Those stupid little cells that had caused me SO much agony..gone! That alone made it all worth it. I won't have to go back in for another surgery now, not any time soon.

To curb future growths/symptoms, I've been put on Demulen, which is a high-progesterone form of birth control.

I originally thought that Endo just grew and put pressure on your other organs, and that that's where the symptoms come from. BUT the cells inside the uterus swell and shrink according to our hormones during our cycle..and the same happens to the cells magically growing outside of the uterus. It's that swelling and shrinking that causes the pain and nausea.

Demulen puts your body into a pseudo pregnancy, and therefore arrests your cycle..arresting the growth and symptoms. The drug is supposed to be helpful enough that I can take it normally (21 days on, 7 days off for a period). Unless the symptoms are still too bad after the next 2 months, he doesn't recommend a patient taking the birth control continuously (skipping a period) for an extended period of time. If you go without a cycle for say 6 months, when you eventually go off it (to get pregnant etc) your period and the symptoms can come back with a vengeance. It can also become harder and harder to un-arrest your cycle, making it harder and harder to get pregnant.

Treatment will remain as simple as possible. Because I'm still so young, and I WANT A BABY!! If this works, once I've had my kids and I'm 35+ we can look further into other more permanent treatments/surgeries.

I know this isn't the end of The Anxiety Monster. I do however think that this is a happy ending to that first very..very long chapter. And I have a feeling that chapter two is going to be far less exciting.

Dear Jorja,

YOU GOT THIS.

Deep breaths, and you got this!

This is a good thing, you know it is. This is something we have wanted, and fought for! This is something that will bring years of wondering to an end. And if the results aren't positive for this particular disease, we'll at least we know for sure one more thing that it isn't, right? It'll be uncomfortable, and you'll be nervous, but it'll be over before you know it, and then you'll get some damn answers. And that's the whole point!

Besides all that, here are some reassuring points to keep in mind tomorrow morning:

1. We have Ativan!!

2. You have been through the day surgery process, already, a few times. You know how things go when you arrive, and while you're waiting, so there's no need to panic over that! And while this hospital stay will last a lot longer then the last, and while the recovery process may feel disgusting..you get drugs for that too!

3. This gyno surgeon is well loved, and recommended because he is so good

4. They will have taken your measurements a total of 3 times, so there's no way they will give you insufficient anesthesia and there's no way you'll wake up mid-surgery and have a heart attack and die

5. As a matter of fact, only 4 out of 1000 laparoscopic surgery patients suffer from complications (sometimes fatal), and for sure 4 people out of the last 999 have died already.

6. If there are complications, you can probably sue someone for a ton of money. If there are fatal complications, your parents can sue, and you'll have the fanciest funeral ever!

7. You have a fridge full of Jello and Snapple to come home to, and a freshly washed bed

8. You'll be too distracted by all the texts from all your friends and family to even notice how much pain you're in once you get home!

9. Prince Charming is very eager to keep you company through recovery, even if you're puking, and King Daddy has already dealt with you at you're sickest, so he's prepared too!

10. Oh! You'll be able to find out finally, whether or not you can have babies!

11. People will feel bad for you, and bring you presents (cash is preferred, but teddy bears and soup will be appreciated also)

12. At least you're not being fired from your job for taking a whole week and a half off!

13. At least you're not a US citizen and are going to be flat-broke when you wake up again...

14. At least it's not open heart surgery, or one of those AWAKE brain surgeries that McDreamy loves so much. Oh! When you wake up there will be a brand new episode of Greys downloaded to watch!

Ok, that's enough. I'm tired now.

Keep breathing slowly, make sarcastic jokes when you get too nervous, warn the IV nurse that she only gets one try at your arm, and you'll be laughing one day soon over how worked up you were over practically nothing. Promise!

Ok. Maybe not LAUGHING. But you'll be proud you went through with it, and you'll be EVEN braver for the next time. Can't complain about that!

Now get to sleep before the hunger pains drive you insane :)

Love,
Princess Georgia

...And Nothing But The Truth

My boyfriend turned on the most fantastic Two and a Half Men episode, thisaft!

Mostly the fantastic-factor came from the fact that Ashton Kutcher's new character was drinking PEACH Snapple. AND through a straw!

The theme of the show however, was honesty. And while the characters did a very decent job at proving that you actually shouldn't tell the WHOLE truth ALL the time, it reminded me of a good point I wanted to type about.

I've learned an important lesson this week: When it comes to your health and your well being, you need to be completely honest. Honest with yourself, and honest with those around you.

I've been feeling better! Over the last while, I've been more confident, more happy, and I've been keeping my anxiety fairly in check. I'm also on the brink of buying a home with the man I love, and homes aren't cheap! So! I found myself a second job.

I was hired as an assistant at the coziest little salon, downtown. The owner is utterly adorable, the staff is very inclusive, and the atmosphere feels like home. Perfect for me, no?

Then the hours grew, and my salon shifts were on days when I'd be working another 6 hours at the bar afterwards. I tried it for a few days, and worse then how emotional and exhausted I was when I finally got home at 3am, was how anxious I was growing the night before a double shift.

I woke up this Monday morning, feeling overwhelmed, which was a little surprising since we were just finishing a relaxing weekend at the cottage. As the day went on though, I became more and more stressed over impending tomorrow. I was stressing over getting enough sleep (or being able to sleep at all!), waking up early enough so that I had time to calm down, and about leaving on time with all that I needed to get through the entire day/night. The biggest stressor was knowing that I had to not only be away from my home for 14 hours I had to be ok enough to be productive and smiley for 14 hours.

Welp! Needless to say I had a small break down that night. First it was a rush to the bathroom after dance class, where I overheated and kept from crying by texting my friend who was waiting for me in the car. When I got home though, there was no stopping it.

I cry-texted my friend, and then cried to my boyfriend about how I couldn't handle it. And then I cried more, because I sounded like such a frigging wimp. People go through hurricanes and family deaths, and cancer, and I'm crying because I can't handle a second part time job.

When I calmed down though, and realized my boyfriend wouldn't leave me, and my dad wouldn't be disappointed in me..I realized something. It takes a shit load of courage to ADMIT that you can't handle something. It takes a shot load of self-awareness to know your own limits, and a shit load of courage to admit when you've reached them.

It's the smart thing to do, too. You can get caught up in being proud, and if that had been the choice I made, I'd be sick to my stomach with stress right now.

Likely, part of the reason I feel ok enough to wrote this, is because of the response I got from my new boss when I let her know what was going on. As someone who has spent years dealing with a mental illness, I've experienced my fair share of bullies, and nay-sayers, and people who either think I'm just make-believing excuses, or people who start treating you like some fragile nut case, once you explain the truth. But my employer understood.

She was disappointed, because I was 'a perfect fit' for her establishment and she loved my company, but she understood. And in the end she offered me a few hours on a day when I didn't already work my first job. "I'd love to have you then, if you think it would work for you," she said. "Let me know, and please be honest with me, and with yourself."

By being honest, you are looking out for your own well being. Only YOU know what YOU feel, and what YOU can handle. And if someone truly cares about you, they will understand, because they want what's best for you too. And if they don't, well, they're not worth your time anyways. Kapeesh?

#Preach

Last Tuesday..

Working where I work, I hear many exciting 'conversations' between the security staff and our customers. That's a given. And it's why I don't fall asleep some nights! Tonight however, a whole new level exciting.

There's a girl here, just a regular girl, who needs the Amateur Night cash prize. That's no shocker. But the brain inside her head? Geezes.

She's a frigging ball of energy. "POSITIVE energy," she said very confidently. And she wasn't lying.

One of our bouncers made the mistake of DOUBTING that her energy was contagious, and the excitement ensued. She said that if you spend enough time with her, you'll be all smiles too, and he said that would be impossible. She pointed out that if you're a generally angry person, and you've allowed yourself to get comfortable in your angriness, then you're obviously less susceptible to other's happiness.

Then she mentioned the point that 'everyone is equal' and he refuted that point, too. And while he is entirely entitled to his opinion, she went OFF, and with such conviction!

"It's people like you, who believe society when they say that everyone belongs in one box or another, that KEEP us in those boxes!" He said that economy, and race separates us naturally, and she said that they don't need to. He didn't believe her when she answered yes to, "So if there was a dirty homeless guy standing next to me, you'd talk to us both the same, and give him just as much of your POSITIVE ENERGY?" But I believed her.

He defended himself by saying that he fought freedom and equality (He did fight in Afghanistan, and bless him for that), and she said the most profound thing you'll ever hear in a strip club. Not only is she confident and convicted enough to be debating someone she just met, and an 'authority' figure, she said "Well then you lost! You lost that war regardless, if you came back still believing that certain people belong in certain categories and should be treated as such!"

Segregation is an UNWRITTEN rule, one that people follow because society tells us to, but one that we can't legally be punished for breaking.

Maybe it's one of those, 'You had to be there' situations..but I'm still covered in this feeling of IMPRESSED. I felt the same way she did, but I don't know if I'd ever be confident enough to shove it in some (practical) stranger's face. Plus, I work here so I feel the need to be quiet, and well-mannered, unlike her, who told a guy, "When you're getting to admire hot, naked women all night, the last thing you should be doing is complaining about a $5 cover charge!"

My hero. Lol

I need to start yelling more.

Kind of makes me miss the college classes full of heated debates. I need more well-spoken, intelligent, strong-minded folk in my life.

CBT

Over the summer I visited St. Joes hospital for a long-awaited seat in their highly recommended Panic and Anxiety Clinic, and I am very grateful.

I was deemed 'recommended for private care' (aka nuts enough to need one-on-one treatment, lol) and spent several hours, over several weeks with a really wonderful doctor. My therapy was CBT, and focused on my phobia of being physically ill.

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy is based on the scientific belief that panic and anxiety are learned behaviors, that can be un-learned.

When I had my first few major attacks years ago, it became more and more easy to work myself into another attack. If I feel myself overheating, or my stomach getting really upset, or I get dizzy, I automatically remembered that I felt those symptoms during my first attacks, and therefor assume that I must be about to suffer another attack now. CBT teaches me to look at these symptoms in a more logical and realistic way, thus relieving the chance of winding up in another attack.

People suffering from panic and/or anxiety tend to become people of avoidance. I once had a horrifying attack at my boyfriend's cottage, so for a long time I didn't want to go back there. I once got very sick after drinking chocolate milk, so I stopped drinking it for a long time (even though it was the FLU that made me sick, not the milk). People with social anxieties avoid shopping malls, long lines in the grocery store, and only go to the park when it's late, and less busy.

This is where CBT's sharpest tool comes into play.

Exposure Therapy.

Exposure therapy is based on the belief that our fears come from our negative experiences, and that if we can make more positive experiences around the same things, our level of fear will decrease. Therapists came up with the idea of a list that would allow people to gather their fears or things that make them anxious, which would help make overcoming these fears easier.

The Hierarchy of Fears is a list that patients make (that ANYONE can, and very well should make) that lists all the things that make us most anxious, or things that we avoid because of our anxiety. After compiling my list (which continues to change, things are discovered and added, or other things become less important), my doctor and I spent time rating each fear/avoidance. From 1-100 we rated how great my fear was of that 'item' on the list, and then we rated how greatly I avoid it.

Ex. "Flying a plane, for leisure reasons"
Fear: 85 (I hate it)
Avoidance: 95 (so I avoid it whenever possible!)

My list is 17 items long, and the next step is to attack them!

Starting with an item that is rated the lowest (not AS fearful of it, don't avoid it AS much), you slowly begin to expose yourself to that certain thing. The belief is that the more you are exposed, the more normal this thing or this situation will become, and then the less fearful you will be of it.

Ex. Someone with a social anxiety may list "Grocery shopping" as an item, and rate their fear 90, and their avoidance 100. Exposure therapy would suggest this person slowly exposing themselves to the experience of grocery shopping. First they may try writing a grocery list. The next day they may attempt to drive past the grocery store, then if that goes well, they would try walking past the grocery store next time. After that, their fear and avoidance of grocery shopping should decrease a little, so next time they would try walking into the store, and staying for 1..3..5 minutes! The idea is, after that exposure (possibly repeated exposure) the patients fear and avoidance has decreased to the point where they can start feeling more confident in their abilities to survive the situation. Eventually this patient isn't even concerned about making it to the Express checkout lane...they're confident enough to take their 25 items and wait their turn in the long line! (Ideally!)

The idea is that the more you expose yourself, the better your chances or having positive experiences regarding that item on your list And when comparing all your positive experiences to that ONE time you went grocery shopping and became overwhelmed and had a panic attack in the middle of the cereal isle...you'll grow more confident in your ability to grocery shop without any anxious occurrences.

My private CBT sessions have come to an end, but in order to keep active in my recovery, and remain conscious of my progress, I have decided to post one of my Hierarchy items, one blog entry at a time, and openly discuss my fluctuating fear and avoidance levels, and what steps I am taking to become more confident is such situations. TA-DA!

Well, that's the goal anyways. It appears I have become a lazy blogger, lately.

It's unlikely I will burden my entire Facebook list with all these blog 'shares', so if for some odd reason you are interested in keeping up with my work, please feel free to 'follow' my blog, or check back every now and again, anxietyslayer.blogspot.com

Ps. It could also, easily, stand for Cool Bitch Therapy. Any other suggestions?

In case you didn't know..

Princess Georgia has a brother.

That makes him a Prince!

Prince Wills.

While the Princess has her Prince Charming, whom she loved with all her heart, her brother was the most important Prince in the Kingdom.

Actually, he no longer resided in her Kingdom. Prince Wills was a brave Prince, brave enough to leave the safety and the luxury of the King's castle, and find his own Kingdom.

Everybody knew the King was the most wonderful man in the land, and Prince Charming was the most hardworking, and handsomest Prince she'd ever laid eyes on, but Princess Georgia's brother was the bravest Prince.

He goes out on long journeys alone, fending for himself, fighting off the less-then-kind villagers along the way. Prince Wills always remains giving, even when receiving nothing in return, and he is always loyal to the Princesses in his life. One day he will find a Princess worthy of being his wife!

It's hard to imagine a Princess kind, and giving, and witty enough to be worthy of her brother, but Princess Georgia knows it will happen! (Because there aren't many Princes out there, as magnificent as Prince Wills.)

Princesses and Strippers

Actually, we have a lot in common.

We're all female, for starters (though my respect is extended to man strippers, also), and that's a bond you can't deny. We like movies, and gossiping about cute boys. We have insecurities. We like pretty things, and we have our limits. And we all want to make money in the most fun and stress-free way possible.

The only difference is they're naked more then I am!

Before I forget, let me just point put that 'God put us on this Earth naked', so I really don't see what the big deal is.

Working in a strip club, I meet many men, with many..interesting compliments, and comments. My favorite has to be, "What is a girl like you doing in a place like this?"

a) You do recognize that you too, are currently in 'a place like this', don't you?

b)I think that comment is the biggest piece of evidence in my argument, that the world is simply full of judgmental assholes.

c) Sir, you don't even know me. Maybe I totally belong in 'a place like this'! Meowww..

While all the patrons I've dealt with clearly enjoy the working girls, I've come to learn that the majority feel superior to them. They come in with cash to burn, the ladies fall all over them, and the guys think that because of that power, they MUST be of a higher race then the girls working for their money and attention. And that thought process is nothing but delusional. Need I REALLY point out that these particular ladies are not all over you because they think you're a really sweet catch? Honestly, if I was a strip club regular, I'd feel less like a superior, and more like an ugly loser who can only associate with hot, half naked girls if I pay them!

But I don't judge those who spend their evenings spending money in 'a place like this'. And I definitely don't judge the employees on stage.

People don't enter this field of work because they're super horny, or super slutty. 'Slut' isn't part of the job description. Neither is 'coke-snorting' or 'boob job' or 'blow job'.

The fact of the matter is, sex is the most stable commodity world-wide! In a rescission where designer handbags aren't selling to the average middle-class man, or sports cars, or stocks...everyone is still buying 'sex'. And booze! So what makes more sense then to work at a strip club?

Some girls do get into the business because they're desperate (suddenly kicked out of the house for getting knocked up by a man of a different race), and remain in the business because even though they've stabilized, they can't imagine living without the easy income. For some people, 40 hours in a sweaty McDonalds kitchen is what they'd call 'desperate' times. For others..it makes WAY more sense to dance around sans clothes for a few hours, and take home the same pay at the end of the week.

I think that people are most shocked to hear about someone like me working in 'a place like this', because they're ignorant. And I don't mean that as an insult! I'm simply referring to the lack of experience or education that most people have on the topic of strippers or strip clubs. People are homophobic due to ignorance. People used to avoid swimming in the same pool as a person infected with AIDS, because they were ignorant. People giggle, and assume I'm a lesbian, or a perv, or that I'm getting naked when I admit to working at a strip club, because they're ignorant.

Everyone watches TV though, and movies, and if they haven't personally been in a real-life strip club, or met a real-life stripper, it's very easy to be ignorant and make judgement. Strippers are portrayed at slutty little drug addicts who enjoy seducing married men and taking all their money while their wives slave in a kitchen with a toddler in each arm! Lol Strip clubs are made out to be very taboo, and filled with illegal actions. And while I don't doubt that some girls do drugs, and some owners blur the legal lines...girls who work at the GAP are equally able to pop pills, and fancy CEOs partake in unsavory deals too!

I'm not trying to convince everyone to run to your nearest 'LIVE NUDE' joint, after stopping be the bank for a few extra bills. I'm just getting sick of the shock value that comes with, "No, I'm actually working at a strip club." It's really not that big a deal! Some of us pour drinks for a living, and some of us take our clothes off, and climb a pole.

I admire them really. Especially this one girl, who doesn't smoke, and doesn't drink! We're like twins! Except she's black, and has a much nicer ass. And she is confident, and care-free enough to strip down and dance around in front of a bunch of strangers, and market herself for maximum profits. I'm sure there are in fact girls who are stripping because they have NO self confidence, and they're desperate, and persuaded into it...but I've now met about 30, who are there because they want to be. Some are in fact working their way through college, some of them need extra cash once a week to pay for the best daycare for their child, and some just like being basically rich! If they despised it, they could leave.

One girl I've talked to made a very strong statement, "I'm not a stripper, I strip." There aren't many people who ask to be defined by their job. I worked at McDonalds, and that's not how I wanted people to know me! Lol. No matter what, I am still me, I just happen to work at McDonalds! That was just what I did when I had a high school graduation trip to pay for. Now I have real bills to pay, and I do so by working at a strip club. And some girls pay their bills by stripping...but they still have their own lives and their own personalities separate from, and outside the club. Just like nurses have their own lives outside of the hospital, or like teachers have their own lives outside of their school.

I would like to note that my admiration of course fades once ACTUAL sex becomes involved, or minors, or Russian refugees who were brought here with the promise of a 'good job'... But for now i have no reason to judge or dislike the girls on stage. Or the people who come to watch. OR the people who mix they're drinks!

For the first time in a VERY long time, I look forward to going to work! Lol That's a crazy concept to me! Everyone is so nice, and so respectful, and of course the money is great...so I barely feel any anxiety when I wake up in the morning, and realize I need to be at my job in a few hours. Imagine!

The other night I got a bit of a backstage pass, actually. After hours, all the girls were downstairs in their personal quarters just pouring drinks, or having a smoke, washing their faces, and laughing with each other over their day's stories. And who doesn't do that?! (Ok, I don't drink or smoke, but I love getting together with friends and catching up!)

Bottom line, being a stripper doesn't make a girl any less human. And being an employee at a strip club doesn't make me weird, or slutty. Or a lesbian! I'm still a princess! Now I'm just a princess with friends who happen to strip, and $100 in tips on a slow night ;)

If this isn't inspiration, I don't know what is

Princess Georgia was having a particularly rough night. There was a thunder storm terrorizing the kingdom, and all the lights had gone out! She was also home alone. The King was away traveling, Prince Charming had gone to another village for work, and she had given the castle staff the evening off. The castle was black, and the Princess knew that the Anxiety Monster liked that best.

Princess Georgia tiptoed around her home, her arms stretched out front, finding her way to the kitchen. She had been sure that their supply of candles was kept in a cupboard next to the stove, but she couldn't feel any! The rain outside started thrashing against all the stain-glass windows, louder and louder until she could swear it was really the Anxiety Monster trying to get in! The Princess peeled off her big, poofy gown to keep cool, dropped to the marble floor, and shut her eyes as tight as she could. Then she heard the bell at the front gate ring.

The Princess picked herself up and found her way to the foyer, and peered out the peep hole. There was someone standing on the front stair, with a candle. Or was it some-THING? In the dark, the figure was big, and dark, and lurking! Princess Georgia started to get warm again.

Just then, a huge bolt of lightening lit up the front yard, and Princess Georgia could see that the thing outside, was actually a small girl, in a large hood. and it waved! The Princess pulled open the front door, and waved the person inside. The large hood shook itself off, and smiled.

"Hi! It's scary out there, isn't it?"

"It really is. Do you need shelter?" Princess Georgia asked nervously.

"Oh! No thank you,"she answered politely, as she unbuttoned her coat to reveal a beautiful purple dress, nearly as poofy as Princess Georgia's had been. "My name is Alice...Princess Alice! My family and I just moved into the castle over that hill," she pointed out the front windows. "Once our power went out, I had our driver take me out to make sure all the homes around here had candles, and I couldn't see any in your windows!"

"I was looking for them in our kitchen, but then I got too scared," Princess Georgia answered shyly.

"Well then, this one is for you!" the girl smiled, handing over her lantern.

"Thank you!" Princess Georgia exclaimed. "I'm the only one here right now, so this is a very big help."

"Oh, no! I would stay here with you, but my father wants me home very soon," Prince Alice said. "Wait a minute! Here..." she said, digging into the pretty bag around her shoulder. She handed Princess Georgia a book, with a picture of Labrador god on the front. "It really is quite a funny story. It will keep you company until the lights are back, and everyone else comes home!"

Princess Georgia locked the door when she saw her new neighbor get into her car, and she followed the candle up to her room. She got under her covers and opened the pages of the book. And just like that, the Princess felt safe again, and confident that she would be just fine until everyone got home the next morning. All it took was a little boost from a new friend.

I came across a tweet from the very handsome Channing Tatum. I only started following him, because he often posts current pictures of his handsomeness, but I've noticed that he and his wife (fiance?) also share a lot about charities and important events. Tonight's tweet was about a young girl with terminal cancer, who's newly published Bucket List included becoming a trending topic on Twitter.

At first I just clicked to read more, because the whole idea of that being a young person's dream, was about the cutest thing I'd ever heard. Then I clicked on the link to her blog.

Alice is a 15 year old living in the UK, who has spent the last four years of her life battling cancer. Besides the fact that just imagining an 11 year old being diagnosed that way is gut-wrenching, the light, and joy that lace through her typings, are even more shocking.

I may have spent the last four years of my life fighting too, but neither my stomach issues, or my Acute Anxiety diagnosis are terminal. Of course my illnesses make me cry, and feel depressed, and angry, but they won't kill me! I have spent (accumulated) ages on my bathroom floor feeling robbed, and defeated...and then you stumble onto a story like Alice's.

It's hard to imagine a 15 year old openly accepting the fact that not only will all her life's aspirations be achievable (her illness leaves her not allowed to travel), but that she will also never win this fight that she is so gallantly fighting.

I would really appreciate it if you would click the link bellow, and check in on her stories and her progress from time to time. And if you have Twitter, be sure to post a tweet with #alicesbucketlist She makes it very clear that she and her family are not looking for donations, or pity. She started this blog to keep their friends and family posted as she goes through treatment, and chicks things off her list...and now she is touching, and inspiring people all over the world.

Princess Georgia is inspired. And SO thankful for her new neighbor :)


http://alicepyne.blogspot.com/

Sending thoughts and prayers and love and hope

Princess Georgia would like to take some time out of fighting the Anxiety Monster, and acknowledge the other monsters that exist in this world..

In middle school I wed a girl friend of mine, and we adopted a gremlin child.

I just found out that she was taken off life support today.

She's fought her entire life for her health, and only a few months after a long-awaited double lung transplant she got sick with a STILL-unknown brain illness that's left her fighting for her life in the hospital.

You don't always stay BEST friends with your best friends, life takes us all over the place..but you never fill their spot in your heart. I've only seen her a few times over the last year, but that doesn't make it any easier to breathe while thinking about what her body is going through right now. What her family, and her current best friends are going through right now.

Life is so gross sometimes, I don't care what you say.

Everyone has a monster. Some may be bigger, scarier, or uglier then other's, but we will all be stalked at some point or another, by some evil creature that we can't seem to get a grip on. My monster leaves me sleepless, and sometimes helpless on the bathroom floor. Bree's monster has left everyone just waiting for the next update.

Hubby, all the strength in my soul is with you right now, ok? Hold on, xo

Gleeking Out

When I got home from NYC, I had tons of TV to catch up on from the last week!

(Yes, I watch them online, which may or may not be illegal...)

I finally got around to Tuesday's 90 minute Glee episode (saved the best for last, a habit of mine, even when it comes to conquering my Christmas dinner plate) and was just blown away.

The most obviously impressive part of the show was the cast's cover of Lady Gaga's Born This Way, during which, Kurt just melted my frigging heart. The overall theme of aelf-acceptance is a movement that has always been close to my heart. But for me, the greatest scene was just a few seconds long, and moved mountains: Emma, Ms. Pillsbury sat at her desk with a bottled water, and her prescription medication bottle.

I was honestly gripping my sides, just praying that she'd take it, in front of the whole world. And she did. She opened the bottle, considered the little pill for a moment, put it in her mouth, and swallowed! Even after she put it in her mouth, I was worried she wouldn't, but she swallowed.

Ever since getting my first prescription in high school, to help me with my depression diagnosis, it seems as though every movie and TV show I watch that involves a mentally ill character, prescription drugs are never an advertised avenue of treatment. There have always been scenes with girls taking a pill, staring themselves down in the mirror, and then spitting it out before dumping the whole bottle down the toilet. There have always been scenes with characters ranting about not wanting to become a zombie, or numb to the world, or less of themselves by taking drugs. Before this week's Glee episode, we never saw a doctor suggest therapy AND medication, and we never saw a patient follow through.

Mr. Schuester made a good point, something I'd always noticed, that Emma makes OCD look frigging adorable, and endearing, but that it is a serious condition. After a year and a half of everyone aww'ing and giggling over the school counselor wearing rubber gloves to eat and sanitizing-wiping individual grapes, all the while paying serious attention to other issues like homosexuality and bullying, something was finally done for her character.

Not only did this impeccably-dressed little woman admit to everyone that she does in fact have a mental illness, she inevitably showed the world that someone can use drugs to make a positive change in their lives. And I am SO thankful.

Yes, there are more negative side-effects to using medication, then there is by just using talk-therapy methods, but contrary to what Tom Cruise says, there are also major...major benefits.

When I first went the drug-route, I was put on a low dose of Celexa. And I got lucky! I didn't experience any negative side-effects, even when the dose was upped slightly. When I was diagnosed with Acute Panic, next to depression, I experienced that experimenting phase. We tried one drug, and it didn't work, then another, and it made me feel gross, then another...etc. Oh, there was one other that worked well, but it was a new drug which means a very high retail price, and when you don't have a job with health benefits, that is unfortunately something that has to be taken into consideration.

In the end, it turns out that a higher dosage of my original Celexa is what worked best for my depression, and keeping my anxiety as mild as possible. And maybe that sounds weird. I'm sure that more then one person has considered, 'Maybe NO Celexa would work just as well, then?'

Believe me, even in high school I considered that too. Sometimes I'd get to the end of a bottle, and intentionally forget to call in a refill for a few days. I've always pushed that possibility. But after a drug-free day 3...I'd start feeling that urge to cry over something as pointless as discovering the milk jug put back in the fridge, already empty.

When I want to advocate for drug therapy, I always find myself wishing that I'd videotaped the few weeks I switched drugs to see if one would help my GI issues better. The transformation happened so gradually that I didn't notice it, until one day I found myself repulsed my the thought of enjoying sex with the man I'd loved for the last 3 years, or hugging my dad goodnight like I did EVERY night. Without a medication that was proven to work (for me) I was this bitter, easily-agitated, overly-sensitive bitch. And EVERYONE felt it. To the point that, I was willing to accept my upset stomach issues, over alienating everyone that I loved.

It is a different experience for everyone, prescription medication, but I am very glad that a piece of pop-culture finally validated it as a viable option. Sure, there are possible negative outcomes...But what fork in the road DOESN'T involve the possibility of a negative outcome?

A'men, you crazy red-head, you!

Princess Georgia does New York City

I honestly thought I'd be writing this while actually in NYC..having a panic attack in our little bathroom, and needing to vent. However once the Anxiety Monster realized that he wasn't going to force me to pack up, after a fairly traumatizing experience in a Starbucks bathroom..I think he himself went back home to wait for me!
So, we had a really wonderful time!
There's always one or two lousy experiences to be had when traveling, but a crazy mugger never trapped me in a dark alley and robbed me of my purse which housed my Ativan supply (Because thats honestly what I kept picturing lol), so I can not complain!
I think having been there once before, the big city felt more comfortable, then I'd anticipated. A very nice surprise. We weren't rushed to see certain things, or feeling pressured to do certain things. We were just there! And pretty in love, too.
We, being Prince Charming and I, I mean.
While I managed to go the entire time without finding a princess charm for my bracelet (or ANY Big Apple-related charm for that matter..) I got to take my time in Tiffanys, on 5th, as all princesses should! I also very much appreciated my bathroom break in the Tiffanys washroom! (I even brought a few Tiffanys toilet seat covers home, for my fellow bathroom-stuck friends!)
The highlights this time were definitely writing-related. First, a stroll down Perry Street to where Carrie Bradshaw's front steps are located! That was neat. Sure it was all make-believe, but that was the front door to the apartment where she did all her writing. That was the curb that Big always pulled up to in his limo, to apologize time and again. If you excuse the 'This is a private residence, please respect our property' sign chained across the bottom stair, it was an incredibly romantic location.

Nearly as romantic as the New York City Public Library! *sigh. Carrie actually said it best in the first SATC movie, "It's where all the great love stories are held". While there wasn't a copy of Love Story available that day (but I looked it up!) and there is still no a/c which is ridiculous, it was pretty fantastic to just be there. You could just smell the musty history. Just this huge, regal, warm structure full of words.

We also found Grand Central Station, luckily on a fluke. No famous words there..but THE most spectacular ceiling. It's no Sixteenth Chapel, but it's a map of constellations in a Tiffanys-blue sky. Gorgeous! I can't imagine how romantical it must have felt, when Arthur (Russel Brand, lol) had that main terminal emptied for a dinner date with Naomi, and they had that whole ceiling to themselves..
Believe it or not, that romantic comedy also tipped us off onto another ridiculously adorable NYC secret..the 'Whisper Wall'! It's this big arch through one of the tunnels/hallways, where one of you can stand and whisper into the corner, and (if all the tourists are kind enough to shut up a moment) the other person can hear it in the other corner! You have to love a city that hides little wonders like that.
We had fantastic weather overall, good food (when I felt like eating) and we stayed in a nice little apartment that was just a block away from the Westside Market which was a brilliant 24-hour store with fresh fruit and a salad bar, and JUGS of Peach Snapple :)
Speaking of which. Lol. Not only did I take a minute to buy a Peach tea on the street (my first News Stand purchase), AND happen apon the Snapple Theater Center (where many Apprentice 'tasks' have taken place), when we dropped off my boyfriend's dad and his girlfriend to board the Queen Mary2 in Brooklyn, we ended up right next to the Snapple Shipping Yards dock! Imagine! Like MILES of storage and factory space, all dedicated to 'the best stuff on Earth'.
If there is one thing that I can logically complain about when it comes to the Empire State, it's the public washroom situation. I mean, c'mon!
Because space is so expensive in New York, even a brand like Starbucks or McDonalds can only afford to install, more often then not, ONE toilet! Sometimes there was one stall for men and one for women, but either way there was always a lineup. Which, is never appreciated by someone who suffers with an anxious digestive system! I was either antsy in line dying to use the toilet, or I was on the toilet dying while the line was growing on the other side of the door.

Believe me, nothing is more nerve-racking then having someone knock on the door every 60 seconds to check if someone is actually still in there. And then I'd have to suck it all up, dry my tears, and walk past that line of impatient customers once I was finally finished.
I am definitely glad to be home, back in the comfort of my own bathroom. But as you're driving across the Brooklyn Bridge heading home, there is an instant longing for the romantic buzz, and wide streets of New York City.