The Truth Hurts

..stings really.

My best friend shared something with me last night. I know she's my best friend, because she was honest, even though she knew it would probably hurt my feelings. And real love, whether it's romantical love or family love or friendly love, is always honest. Even though it hurts sometimes.

My best friend has a daughter, whom..I love almost nearly as much as I love my bet friend. Almost nearly as much as I love anyone, for that matter! When you feel sick the majority of the time, to tend to love the things (the people) that make you feel good, really hard. And not many things make my insides smile the way that little girl does. Even when she's a grumpy jerk who won't kiss me goodnight and breaks my new sunglasses, lol.

Well! I've been home alone (during the day, when my boyfriend's working) for the last week, and will be for the next week too, because my dad's in Florida with Grama and Grampa! And sometimes I like home alone. Sometimes that quiet is nice, and not being bothered while I'm siting in bed all Koenig watching the Glee kids get wasted! But sometimes, obviously, it's just lonely. And who better to kill the lonely time with, then a smirky little 2 year old?!

For a little while, moma (my best friend..try to keep up, people) kind of ignored my offers to watch her, while everyone was at work. I started to assume that it was because babes don't often take naps when they're having so much fun with their Auntie George..and then I thought that maybe my best friend was just mad because I seemed more eager to hang out with her daughter then her (not true, because 2 year olds would be no fun on stripper poles in night clubs!). But last night, my best friend was brave, and honest..and broke my heart.

She said she didn't know how to tell me, because she was worried it would sound wrong, but she didn't feel comfortable leaving her daughter alone with me. Not because I'm irresponsible, not because I'm not well educated in the area of childcare, and not because I don't love her well enough. It's because she'd worry about her daughter being left scared, or stuck in a bathroom with me, if I happened to have a panic attack all of a sudden.

I hate it, but that doesn't mean that it doesn't make sense. It's true. And it doesn't matter that it's been quite a while actually (knock on wood!), since I've had a bathroom-floor attack. I mean, what could I do? It's fine if dad happens to be home working in his office, because he'd live to play while I settle myself out on the toilet! It's fine if my boyfriend is here, or my siblings, because then someone could keep her happy while I'm freaking out. As calming as it may be for ME, a 3X2 bathroom floor is no place for a little lady to be stuck. (Believe me, I know)

I was angry when I first read my best friend's message. Then sad. Then embarrassed. Then depressed. Then back to angry. But in the end, I honestly can only feel appreciative, that she told me the truth. I KNOW that I have friends who lie to me about certain things, or exclude me from certain things, and don't have the guts to admit that it's because my panic disorder has often left me unreliable. I may be sick, but I'm still an adult, I can still handle the truth! My version of handling it may include involuntary sobbing and certain prescription drugs..but give me enough credit, and tell me the truth.

Having said that, it's still a really shitty feeling though, realizing that this situation, this illness has cost me something important yet again. It's lost me jobs, my independence, my pride on many occasions. I've worried about it pushing away the live of my life, but I never even considered that it would rob memory my alone time with my own goddaughter. I wish that a threat like that could magically cure me. I wish I could will myself all better, in light of losing so many potential, gorgeous memories.

But that's not how it works. And that's life. And sometimes it just sucks balls.

There's a Greys episode where a football player opts for a very risky surgery to fix his random seizures, because his wife is too scared to leave him alone with their new son, just in case. That would suck balls. But I could really go for a risky surgery, right about now.