It's hard to believe that after more then a decade of being
sick, the end is literally right around the corner now. And I am starting to get anxious. And super sentimental. And also super pukey and painful and so damn tired, and
unmotivated to blog. I've started maybe 5
times over the last few weeks, now here I am 1 day from the big day, starting
once more. My brain is absolute
mush, and I would really rather sleep, but THIS of all things deserves a blog.
A loveliest Insta/ Endo friend asked
me a little while ago, 'What are your expectations for this surgery?' I think that's a very valid direction for this post. It's a very valid question, and one that deserved all the
thinking and wondering and deciding that I've done since she asked.
Firstly, I expect a lot of anxiety.
That's not just me being a big sucky
baby, it's me knowing myself well enough to admit it. I'm only a few days away and it's already started to hang over
me like an adorable little grey cartoon rain cloud. At this point, a lot of the anxiety is subconscious. I work hard to NOT think about the procedure or the recovery,
and have definitely not Googled anything this time and yet that prickly feeling
will find its way under my skin. Or the heat will start settling over my shoulders and down my
arms. Of course a lot of this
anxiety is being triggered by the constant nausea and the too-much pooping or
barfing, but I'm pretty sure it's also because no matter how hard I try, I
can't forget was a panic-filled experience I had with my last (far more minor)
surgery.
I expect a lot of anxiety during my
recovery. Between the immediate
pain and the unfamiliar bed, and not having my family around constantly, I can
foresee the desire for Ativan. Possibly an Ativan
induced coma for the first few days. I've had surgery before, and I think it's the knowing you're
going to be utterly uncomfortable, and knowing that all you can do its wait it
out, that gets me the most anxious.
This time there will also be the
anxiety that comes from knowing a chunk of my insides are missing. That's just weird to
think about.
And then! I expect to be able to at least lower my anti-anxiety medication
doses. Once the painful,
frustrating, probably often mind-numbingly boring recovery period...I'm looking
at January, I expect to feel confident in the idea of slowly weaning myself
down, and seeing how it goes! Being physically sick
(to my stomach) has always been my biggest panic trigger, and after surgery I
expect to not be sick.
That's the biggest expectation. That's the expectation that will probably cause a little eye
rolling, or questioning of how realistic I am being.
I KNOW that technically there is no
cure for Endometriosis. But I believe and I
feel, and I expect this hysterectomy to be the very closest thing. I know that when they close me up there will likely still be a
small amount of Endometriosis left behind due to the too-sensitive locations
that it is living, so I will always HAVE endometriosis. But because I'll have no ovaries, those leftover cells will
never again be given a cue to react (and cause symptoms), and without a uterus
there will never be new Endometrial cells. I KNOW that I will never again be as sick (from Endometriosis,
anyways..) as I am now, and I EXPECT to feel one million times better on top of
that.
I expect to wake up without having
to run to the bathroom. And I expect to be able
to make plans without worrying about having to cancel. I expect to be able to take my kid out on my own without
worrying about getting us stuck in a bathroom for longer then a toddler should
ever be stuck in a bathroom. I'm going to want to
eat, and never regret eating after getting sick afterwards, and I'm not going
to want to sleep the gross-feeling day away! I won't stop in my tracks because the pain hits so hard, and I
won't have to keep an eye out for every possible bathroom. I won't whine when I wake up because I feel sick and hope my
husband gets our baby breakfast instead of me doing it... I won't need to ask
my husband to call in sick so that he can take care of our baby while I sleep
of a panic-hangover!
I of course also expect to feel that
pang of jealousy every time a friend announces they're pregnant. I expect to feel a little guilty every time I see our son
playing with his friends' baby siblings so lovingly. Don't get me wrong, I HATED being pregnant, but apparently it's
quite natural for ovaries to ache around new life... Even if you don't have
ovaries! And we are SO happy and
SO comfy with just one baby, but I grew up with two siblings, and all of his
little friends have (or will have) siblings, so I expect to question whether or
not he's missing out. Or that he feels like
he's missing out.
I expect that the mental and
emotional recovery process will take longer then the few physical incisions. The Endometriosis will be gone, but there will be a new kind of
hormones to deal with. And I think it will take time rediscovering what 'normal' and
'healthy' feels like! That'll be a good
process, but a process nonetheless. THIS has been my normal for such a long time, that I expect not
feeling like a pile of shit might feel a little strange at first.
Huhhhhhhhh and that's all I've got! Lol. It's midnight so it's
technically Thursday, which means it all goes down TOMORROW! And I'm half asleep. And super over all this typing. Lol I expect that none of the above is much of a good read! (I'm heavily considering deleting this before posting, lol but
it took me forever to motivate myself to sit and type) Because my brain is mush, and I guess I'm tying NOT to think
about any of it too hard.
La la la! The next time I type here, I'll be typing without a uterus! (Or ovaries, or Fallopian tubes, or a cervix!)
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