The Lupron Diaries

March 12th

Bah.  Here we go!

My husband and son are both coming to hold my hand while Auntie Jenna stabs me in the butt with some concoction that will chemically induce menopause, one month at a time for four months.   Besides just blatantly hating needles, I've also heard far too many horrifying things from others who have been through Lupron treatment, so I've always refused whenever Dr. Ben suggested it.  When he said it was part of elective hysterectomy prep, I said 'fine.'

The next four months will be spent reminding myself that whatever side effects come with it won’t be forever, and that it’s all part of the last step towards the end for me.  

March 13th

Panic attacks and pukes in public are my fave!  

I can't be sure it's a Lupron induced hot flash, but one minuet I'm kicking a balloon around the mall with my kid, and the next my insides are on fire and I have to run to the Chapters bathroom.  Can the hormones fuck me up that fast?  

I hate how much calmer I am being sick in public now.  I mean, it's good that I don't completely freak out, but no one should have to get USED to this.  I used to drive home from the college campus, or a party etc because I could ONLY be sick in my own bathroom.  Or else I would die. Now look at me!  Sick!  In the mall!  And still alive!

March 16th

It'll all be over eventually.  Today I'm praising anyone who deals with chronic migraines.  Brains should never ache this much.  

Ps.  I have passed out 3 times since my last shot.  My already low blood pressure keeps bottoming out. 

March 19th

Today was the most sick, and the most panic that I have dealt with in a very long time...which means a lot coming from me.  And of course it all happened in a public bathroom stall.  

Little Lindley and I were at the arena downtown watching Dada play hockey with his coworkers.  It was a great morning, we had pizza for breakfast while he was on a break from playing.  It happens so fast, and I ran up those big cement steps from the rink to the bar with a toddler in my arms and my hand over my mouth.  I literally chucked him into his stroller and ran to the bathroom.  

The next 40 minutes were spent puking and shitting and taking all the drugs and huffing all the oils in my little bag, between singing songs and making silly faces and finding car videos on my phone to keep a very active kid occupied and in his seat.  And praying that an actual handicapped person wouldn't need a toilet anytime soon, because you can't fit a fucking stroller in a normal stall.  All the while Nolan is on the ice and can't reply to my panicking texts.  

Eventually Dad came to save Boden from a complete meltdown, and Grampa came to pick us up because Dad still had to play.  It was wet and cold outside, and I made us stay in the parking lot until I was sure I wouldn't puke again.  

I must say... Being a mom is a real good distraction.  This was 100% the sort of sick that would have had me laying on the floor (even a public bathroom floor) crying.  But you can't do that with a baby next to you.  A baby who held my hand against his face for a full 60 seconds at one point.  The most spectacular 60 seconds of pure love and calm in the middle of a fucking hurricane.  

March 22nd

It's 5:30am.  I've been in the bathroom for almost an hour now.  Miserable.  Until our baby starts his dino growl from his crib!  Lol like a full minute of perfect little roars, the way he currently greets the ones he loves the most.  He's silent and asleep again. I very rarely smile from this position, lol.  

April 5th

Ughhhhhhhhh.  I just BATHED in oils.  Basically.  I'm home alone with Boden since Grampa has meeting and Dad is at work, so I'm trying desperately not to take all the drowsy drugs.  You'd think the Lupron would make me feel at least the smallest bit better. How do women ensure this treatment on a regular basis?!

April 7th

I think I can actually feel my brain disintegrating.   

April 12th 

Shot #2 was a mother fucker.  

Dr. Ben had said that the first month is the easiest...I assume he thought that would be a comfort, but really it just made me dread this month.  Rightfully so, apparently!  

Auntie Jenna stuck it in, and I stood there waiting to talk to Ben, when the flop sweats and the spins started in slowly.  I left the little office and told Jenna I'd just talk to him later, and I met Nolan and Boden who were playing out in the hall.  And then I hit the floor.  I got an Ativan and an Imodium under my tongue while Nolan ran back into the office for a bucket, I braced myself for the inevitable, and let it all out!  And by 'all' I mean the Starbucks Shaken Mango Black Tea Lemonade that was the only thing I could stomach for breakfast.  (FYI, it's officially on the list of things that taste just as good coming back up.)  

I handled myself pretty well, if I do say so myself.  Nolan kept our ready-for-nap baby distracted while I apologized to the stranger who just watched me hurl, I cleaned out my barf bucket and spent the necessary time on the toilet back in the office, and I didn't even cry.  I did ask my husband to take the afternoon off though.  Now I'm going to nap it off and dream of hysterectomies.  

April 16th

I hosted another Mommy Made Bazaar thisaft.  It was actually a great show and BoBeads did really well...but how pathetic I feel for requiring someone (Nolan or my mom) to be with me the whole time, just in case, sort of over shadows that success.  

I have just been so dizzy.  Like I could fall over at any time.  Which also makes me nauseous.  

April 23rd

Chills is the new black. 

I sweat through 3 pairs of PJs every night, but as soon as it's time to actually be awake, the chills set in.  Like rigid, painful, to-the-bone chills.  I've tried running to a hot shower, layering clothes under my heating pad, but all I can really do is take a few Tylenol and wait it out.  Or Ativan. 

April 28th

Everything hurts.  And I want to die. 

I saw that on a Tshirt on Instagram.  The only thing keeping me alive is the fact that even as he rounds 2 years old, my kid is still down to snuggle in bed with Disney all day.  Like all day.  And I flip flop between feeling like a guilty and shitty parent, and feeling super lucky to be able to have so much close and quiet time with him.  

May 14th

Holy fucking night-sweats, Batman.  

For the last 7 days or so I have had to get up throughout the night to swap pjs.  It's revolting.  Just soaked.  And it's not my armpits, which are supposed to sweat!  It's my boobs and my back and my SHINS?!  Shins sweat?!  

Plus, we sleep in a basement, which is wonderful during hot flashes in the summer, but freezing at night...while I'm running around drenched, feeling at risk of pneumonia.  Lol.  

May 17th

Third shot in the butt today.  

I over prepared after a few days of dreading last month's reaction reoccurring.  But it was pleasantly uneventful.  I reminded Dr. Ben that I AM having a hysterectomy at the end of this shit.  

May 19th

Is it nap time yet?

There's a good chance I could sleep 14 hours and still wake up tired.  And not the kind of tired you feel after over-sleeping.  It is the grossest, heaviest tired all day long.  No matter how much I sleep or eat of how much Starbucks I try to drown myself in.  

It may be the most infuriating side effect.  Or is it an Endo symptom?  Chronic fatigue is something I've dealt with for a few years, but never this badly.  I feel like I could fall over at any minute.  It's infuriating.  My heart is excited it's a sunny day and we have play dates planned, but my brain wants to cry just thinking about moving.  

May 21st

Those who are on it, call it 'Lupron brain'.  Other people probably understand the term 'brain fog' better. Whatever it's called, it's fucking infuriating.  

It's exactly how it sounds, as if this heavy, drowsy, stupid fog is sitting on top of my brain. Suffocating any hope of intelligence.  Sometime I just feel drunk, or stoned.  I can't concentrate to save my life...I re-read pages in my book, and then throw it on the floor.  

'Mom brain' fucked me up good, but this feels far more legit.  My memory recall is mush.  I forget people's names.  I have to look at a phone number 5 times before I punch it in properly.  I have to write notes about everything and put the stupidest things in my calendar or set an alarm labeled 'Put Beads in mailbox' or 'Call Sarah about..whatever.'

I just feel dumb.  I feel very dumb.  

May 25th

I haven't had any hot flashes lately, but it's as if my body has forgotten how to regulate temperature. I'm either on fire or freezing.  

I'm sitting in a Starbucks fully enjoying an hour of baby-free time, trying to let my brain recuperate, and the guy I'm sharing a table with probably thinks I'm detoxing after some wicked drug binge.  I've taken my sweater off and put it back on three times already since I've gotten here.   

May 27th

The mood swings are less like a swing and more like a fucking roller coaster that refuses to let you off even though you've puked 4 times and only paid for one ride!

I've been REALLY good at swallowing the constant urge to cry, and the rage that comes out of nowhere.  But tonight it overwhelmed me.  My husband had tidied our little living room, and moved my bag of peanut MnMs in the process.  Hours later I got Our kid to sleep and sat on the couch half-dead and very ready to binge on Gossip Girl (again) and eat too many MnMs.  Realizing my snack wasn't where I left it, I nearly put my fist through the wall.  In an instant!  'Is he trying to ruin my fucking life?!!'  I said that out loud.  Then I burst into tears and cried over all the things I'd escaped crying about before, and sat on the floor in a big menopausal puddle.  

He text me back from work to tell me where they were.  And that was that.   

June 11th

Such a waste!

We are in Toronto for the weekend with Grampa, and tonight I got to get all dressed up to attend a gala dinner event with him.  Then I ran back to our room to barf.  The end.  

June 13th

Ta da!!!

This morning Auntie Jenna stuck a needle in my butt for the last time, AND booked my hysterectomy!  

Holy balls!

June 18th

(#sarcasm)

I wonder if I'll miss spending this much time on and around a toilet once I'm all better.  

June 27th

I'd swear I was pregnant if I wasn't in the midst of menopause.  

Maybe it's pregnancy-sympathy whatever, considering all my mommies are growing big bellies and revealing genders and debating names right now!  But my chronic morning sickness has kicked in again, I'm tired and moody, I've got some unreal back pain, and the last few nights I have binged as if I've never eaten before!    Between the Endo-belly and the late night feasts, I currently only wear dresses.  Because none of my shorts fit.  And it's hot as balls out. 

July 1st

Today it was super obvious that I'm sick.  

Some days I'm so used to it or I'm so distracted that I totally forget!  Today wasn't a lousy or boring day, it was pretty wonderful despite that sucky weather, but my body made it very clear that it was upset.  We painted our nails and we laughed way too much and rode rides and pet smelly goats and ate French fries, all the while my body felt like it was dying in slow motion.  I've spent 10 years getting used to the nausea and the aches and the pain that feels way too big for such a tiny bod, but the chronic fatigue continues to blow my mind!  

I was able to sleep in today (minus the multiple pj-change and chills disruptions) thanks to Grampa and I went back to sleep when Boden went down for his nap...I was barely awake for like 8 hours today, and after walking around our big Canada Day park for a while my body was completely void of any energy.  It's not just feeling tired...or feeling tired even after sleeping all day, it's my arms feeling like Jello as if I carried bricks around all day, and my brain functioning as if it's been sleep deprived for days.  

Im laying here trying to make myself feel better by remembering that 'at least my hips aren't about to dislocate for the first time, and I'm not about to go into labor!' These next few days are big ones for our family, here's hoping today felt extra sick so that the next few don't! 

July 3rd

Sometimes I'm just minding my own business, driving the speed limit, and someone decides to STAB me directly in the ovary.  

July 5th

I have a 2 year old, and a uterus that it trying to kill me while it still has the chance.  

It's after 2am and I am hotboxing the bathroom with Peppermint, and staring at the little pirate tattoo our Bday boy gave me.  This will all be over soon. 

July 7th

Today was long, like it felt forever long.  And I get extra cranky when I'm not sure why I feel like such a pile of shit.  

I question whether it's my last shot of Lupron wearing off, leading to one giant Endometriosis flare up.  My dad suggested it's just my body asking for a break after the extra stress and pressure that built up over the last few days.  

As much as I want to murder my uterus, I hate the idea of 'stress' even more.  I planned and hosted a baby Birthday party...how pathetic does my brain and body have to be, to let THAT be enough stress and pressure to break me for an entire day?  Since getting sick last night I have been void of all energy and motivation, and when you feel so miserable you want to cry, even in the presence of THE most wonderful child in the world, it's concerning.  

Usually when Boden spends the afternoon with the Nanas it's so that I can get shit done.  BoBeads orders and doTERRA emails and post-bday-party organizing (there's so many cars!!) should have been banged out.  But I slept.  And when I woke up and wanted to put a hole in the wall because I realized my other non-sweat-soaked pjs were in the dryer still...I went back to bed.  It's always safest in bed, lol.  

Eventually I showered, and ate, and then went to pick up our happy little goose.  We snuggled after I tackled him with his toothbrush, and I actually got the play room sorted and tidied.  But I've still got this overwhelmingly heavy feeling inside of me that desperately wants out, via crying or screaming, but I don't have the energy to do either.  So now I go back to bed, reminding myself that tomorrow has to feel better!  

July 12th

Ovaries are asshole. 

I swear that an ultrasound would show my right ovary as big as a baseball right now.  That's how much it hurts.  Two days ago it was my left.  It hurts too much to sleep.  And I'm too hot for my heating pad.  

July 19th

He gets me.  

It's 10am and my child and I are both still in our beds.  I was up way too many times to doe in the bathroom, and I'm laying here wondering if I'll ever have some semblance of energy again.  My last month of Lupron is officially over and this has got to be some sort of withdrawal.  

Granted he was up once or twice for a little reassurance himself, he's never slept in this late...just being extra considerate on an extra sick day for mama!  He's the bestest.

July 20th

On our way home from Ikea.  So ready for bed. 

Nolan held my hand almost the whole way to the store.  We are baby-free and went to get our new bedroom stuff and we're excited for meatballs, but the whole car ride was me facing all the A/C vents in my direction, and sealing the need to barf.  

He held my hand almost the whole way, though.  He's been holding my hand almost the whole way through our entire relationship.  We've been together over 8 years now, and being a happy, productive and HEALTHY wife for him is definitely one of the top reasons I am so excited for surgery.  Though I hope we'll still hold hands lots even when I'm not pukey and in pain every day!

July 24th

Super sexy lunch break.  

Imodium, Gravol and an Ativan, plus Peppermint all over.  In a bathroom stall.  

I'm in Toronto at a small business showcase.  My body hates it when I take it out of the house.  To be fair, I think this is the first vendor event I've gotten sick at, and now I smell like a candy cane.  

Part of me thinks that I've been so sick lately because the Endo knows it's about to be fucking evicted.  Really socking it to me while it still can!  19 days!  I'm 19 days (plus a few extras for recovery drugs..) and my body will be my own again.  Holy shitballs!  Just got to keep that in he forefront of my useless brain!  

And be thankful that my husband is here still...or else the last half hour would have been a BoBeads free for all! 

July 27th

#alltheoils and #allthedrugs this morning.

My Endometriosis has declared (loudly) 'I am not going down without a fight!' And that makes sense, it's been the boss of this bod for a decade and now it's facing an execution.  

We're down to 16 days though!  We can survive another 16 days!  Even if it's going to be the most un-productive, un-sexy 18 days...

August 2nd

UGHHHHHHH. 

I guess it's a good thing, being THIS nauseous and in THIS kind of pain... It keeps me excited to have all my organs chopped out, vs being super anxious about having all my organs chopped out.  

I woke up feeling hungover, with a rock hard and SORE uterus, and said, 'I am SO ready for this hysterectomy.'  Now I need to pack for the hospital.  

August 7th

I think The Lupron Diaries are over.  The end.  

The constant nausea and the remarkable pain has nothing to do with Lupron and everything to do with my Endometriosis.  Maybe that means that besides the 74 shitty side effects, Lupron did work as far as controlling my Endo symptoms.  Still, even if I wasn't days from a Hysterectomy, I don't think I'd ever do another run of Lupron.  That shit has been insane.  I do believe that some women's find great relief with it, and I'm glad for and envy those women, but it and I are in no way friends. Especially if this is how shitty I'd feel at the end of each round of treatment.  

Someone mentioned the second round gets easier.  Lupron is actually too severe a treatment (it's a form of chemotherapy) to use on a regular basis; patients will receive it for 2-5 weeks usually, then they have to take a break, or else their brains and their bones would turn to dust eventually. Basically.  

I am glad my one round is done, I can say that I've survived what was necessary, and now it's over.  Though I will miss Auntie Jenna touching my butt once a month.