The trees blurred into one big green as Princess Georgia raced up the mile-long entrance way to the palace! The Anxiety Monster was nipping at her royal behind while she kept reminding herself that she was moments away from home, moments away from safety.
Princess Georgia shoved her way through the heavy palace doors, not even giving the family's butler a chance to hold it open for her, and she bounded up the grand staircase nearly tripping over her gown! Then, there it was. Her favorite secret hiding place, at the end of the hallway! Safety was in sight! Just a few feet away! Princess Georgia sprinted, grabbed the big brass handle, and through herself into the door!
Then she through herself into the door, again!
"Oh, no!" Princess Georgia yelled. "Hello? Who's in there? That is MY safe spot, in there!"
Princess Georgia heard a tiny shuffle, and then a tiny voice followed, "I'm sorry."
The door opened carefully, and the Princess slipped inside and locked it behind her. She glanced around, and then looked down. There was no person hiding in her spot, no lost kitchen-worker or housekeeper, just a little teddy bear! And the teddy bear looked scared.
"Are you lost?" Princess Georgia asked.
The scruffy little bear proceeded to tell Princess Georgia that she too was hiding from the Anxiety Monster! The little bear needed a safe place to hide, and found this room which looked perfect, of course.
"It's been a while..weeks have passed since the last time the Monster tried to attack me. I thought I was safe, I thought the Monster was done with me, but them I was picking flowers in your gardens out back, and there it was! Out of nowhere, these big yellow-red eyes were staring at me, and I just ran! I'm sorry, I can see that this is your hiding spot..I will go find my own.."
"NO!" the Princess yelled. She was just as shocked as her new fluffy friend, by how much excitement was behind her answer. Princess Georgia was used to spending time on this floor all by herself. She was used to talking to, and keeping herself distracted until the Monster had left her alone again. But imagine how much easier this fight would be, if she had someone to sit next to her.
I have a boyfriend who loves me no matter how much time I spend on on that bathroom floor. I have parents who do whatever they can to help keep me comfortable, and remind me how far I've come. I have siblings who keep me inspired, and friends who plan on staying sober, and lame with me while at a cottage full of partying this long weekend. I could not have come this far without that, all that, I wouldn't be able to go hours..days..weeks without having to hang out on that floor, if it wasn't for all that. I am thankful beyond imaginable for that. However, having a person on the inside, nothing really compares to that.
My dad hugs me on a regular basis, and when he hears me up in the middle of the night, he waits up in case I end up having to call for help. My mom checks in often, and a boyfriend who texts me from downstairs, waiting patiently while I wait in the bathroom to feel normal enough again. Today though, I realized that I also have..a person.
I have a person who knows what the shakes feel like, knows exactly what THAT MOMENT (when your entire body flushes and my heart starts racing) feels like. She knows exactly how pathetic I feel when I have to run away from seemingly normal moments, to hide, and cry, and hate myself until it passes. She understands why it takes weeks and lists, and googling the nearest emergency room, and figuring out out exactly how long it would take to drive back home to my Daddy, to feel stable enough to spend a weekend away from my own bed and my own toilet. She knows what the inside of my head looks like, and what the inside of my chest feels like when I realize I used the last Ativan in my little pill box in my purse the other day, and forgot to replace it.
I've always had her, but after fighting through an hour of trembling hands while looking for a new book in Chapters, and buying a fabulous new bathingsuit cover-up, I ran into her again, and my hands stood still again. We spent an hour, standing in the middle of the mall, just talking and reliving, and relating..experience by experience, feeling by feeling, depressing night by depressing night..and my currently anxious world, slowed down enough to let her back inside!
"There is plenty of room down here for two to sit. And wait. It would be nice actually, to have someone to talk with until the coast is clear!" Princess Georgia assured her new stuffed friend.
"You're right," the teddy agreed. "Maybe it could even be a little less scary, if someone else is hiding with me. Maybe we can scare away the Monster, fight him off a little quicker, if there's two of us!"
"We could make a great team," Princess Georgia confirmed.
"My name is Bri!" The Princess shook her outstretched paw, and that was that!
Thursday, July 29, 2010
Saturday, July 17, 2010
Kerri
I have the greatest strength
in a father
the greatest comfort
in a love
but she is a most beautiful distraction.
A head full of spins
shoulders covered in shakes
and a gut enveloped in anxious,
but we sit for small samwiches
talk about our small lives
full of gargantuan experience,
and my need to be home
melts into want
to window shop
and walk in the rain.
in a father
the greatest comfort
in a love
but she is a most beautiful distraction.
A head full of spins
shoulders covered in shakes
and a gut enveloped in anxious,
but we sit for small samwiches
talk about our small lives
full of gargantuan experience,
and my need to be home
melts into want
to window shop
and walk in the rain.
RANT
..I have a gut feeling (no pun intended..) that I still have Endometriosis lurking around in the bottom of my body. My bowels, or my uterus, or whatever the heck else is down there, has been in serious pain for 2 weeks now, and I have no other idea as to WHY. Though, this self diagnosis could easily be my anxious self catastrophising, fearful prediction..assuming that I'll wake up one day, and the Endo will have eaten through my organs and Ill have 2 months to live.
But if there isnt Endo, or some other disease in there that doctors havn't been able to diagnose..WHY do I feel like this?!
I've been told I have an anxious gut. My intestines are having a panic attack. For 14 days? And if it is in fact just my anxiety making me feel like this, why is am I feeling like this now?
I am on freaking medications. I have a job where I hang out with cute kids all day (well, there is at least 1 child who is cute enough to make the hours worth it!). I don't have any huge financial woes, and I am still living safely at home. I am in what is likely the best romantic relationship in existence. I have a best friend for a dad, and I am in an increasingly comfortable relationship with my mother again. My sister and I would die for each other, and I am in contact with my little brother again. The most physical or mental exertion I have to endure is a laughing fit with my dad, or hot sex with my boyfriend. Or a crying fit after Dr. George OMally died last season! Yea, I come home after work, eat my comfort food (cereal!) and watch mindlessly wonderful distracting sitcoms over and over on line, before getting to sleep in a comfy bed with a roof over my head!
What the hell do I have to be anxious about? I mean, Im anxious about being so anxious...but what in my normal every day life has me SO anxious, it results in the physical pain, and torturous pressure in my lower abdominal area?
Princess Georgia KNOWS that she is growing stronger. She is becoming a better warrior and a better advocate for the others in the kingdom who have been attacked by the Anxiety Monster. Princess Georgia is able to breathe slower, cry less, and scream for help less, when under attack. She is getting better, and everyone knows it, and she knows it. But she gets frustrated feeling like she should be MORE better. She's a princess for god's sake! She deserves to be even better, then the gradual better she has become.
Damn that Monster.
But if there isnt Endo, or some other disease in there that doctors havn't been able to diagnose..WHY do I feel like this?!
I've been told I have an anxious gut. My intestines are having a panic attack. For 14 days? And if it is in fact just my anxiety making me feel like this, why is am I feeling like this now?
I am on freaking medications. I have a job where I hang out with cute kids all day (well, there is at least 1 child who is cute enough to make the hours worth it!). I don't have any huge financial woes, and I am still living safely at home. I am in what is likely the best romantic relationship in existence. I have a best friend for a dad, and I am in an increasingly comfortable relationship with my mother again. My sister and I would die for each other, and I am in contact with my little brother again. The most physical or mental exertion I have to endure is a laughing fit with my dad, or hot sex with my boyfriend. Or a crying fit after Dr. George OMally died last season! Yea, I come home after work, eat my comfort food (cereal!) and watch mindlessly wonderful distracting sitcoms over and over on line, before getting to sleep in a comfy bed with a roof over my head!
What the hell do I have to be anxious about? I mean, Im anxious about being so anxious...but what in my normal every day life has me SO anxious, it results in the physical pain, and torturous pressure in my lower abdominal area?
Princess Georgia KNOWS that she is growing stronger. She is becoming a better warrior and a better advocate for the others in the kingdom who have been attacked by the Anxiety Monster. Princess Georgia is able to breathe slower, cry less, and scream for help less, when under attack. She is getting better, and everyone knows it, and she knows it. But she gets frustrated feeling like she should be MORE better. She's a princess for god's sake! She deserves to be even better, then the gradual better she has become.
Damn that Monster.
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
Perspective
My dad was just telling me about a co-worker who also had a daughter dealing with an illness. However, instead of random panic attacks and chronic stomach aches, this other daughter is slowly losing her eyesight, and can't do anything to stop it. He said that that story could put things in perspective for me, when I'm feeling down about the state I'm in.
I told him that when I'm having a good day, its easy for me to realize..it's obvious to me that there are people out there who are FAR worse off then me.
"When I'm having a good day, I know there are people out there kidnapped and stored away in cellars, and people with cancer..but in the midst of an attack.."
"..Just give me the cancer! Because that would be way easier then THIS", we joked. Half joked.
Then my aunt calls, and they talked for a good long while.
She has leukemia.
Perspective.
I told him that when I'm having a good day, its easy for me to realize..it's obvious to me that there are people out there who are FAR worse off then me.
"When I'm having a good day, I know there are people out there kidnapped and stored away in cellars, and people with cancer..but in the midst of an attack.."
"..Just give me the cancer! Because that would be way easier then THIS", we joked. Half joked.
Then my aunt calls, and they talked for a good long while.
She has leukemia.
Perspective.
Torn
When people are considering quitting a job, or taking a new job, breaking up with a significant other, or just which restaurant to order in dinner from, a technique commonly used is the pro/con list.
Such a list, is what I’ve fallen back on, while deciding whether to despise myself and the state I’m in, or not. It’s also way past midnight and the composing of lists could be just what I need to distract myself until I’m drowsy enough to sleep!
PROS: (proof I suck)
-After two fulltime weeks of work, feeling fine to work, I had to call in sick because of a tummy ache
-I’ve felt the need to take 3 gravols, an Imodium and an ativan in the last 24 hours
-I fear my hair is falling out
-I’m still very nervous without Prince Charming or King Daddy home
-I want to call in sick AGAIN, just incase I don’t feel better tomorrow, I’m scared to wake upstill feeling awful
-I keep eating, even though I know I shouldn’t. No, I know I should eat..not eating equals dying. But I have a small, weak stomach, and I know I should eat as much as I have. It’s like self-mutilation! Only instead of cutting, Im over eating! No, not overeating, since compared to normal people I havn’t eaten nearly too much..but it’s too much for me. I know my limits but I get pushy when I get angry. Or I get hungry when I get angry.
-I have barely started the new books I just bought, because when you’re spinny and sweaty and achy you want mindless distraction, like doodling or watching Season 4 Greys again. Trying to decipher 1000 words on 1000 pages is NOT mindless. But I fear that not reading will let my brain go mushy. And my brain is already mental enough..
CONS: (proof against my ‘loser’ theory)
-I’m not frozen in fear
-I’m not considering calling down the hall to King Daddy to come save me
-I’m not laying in a pile on the bathroom floor with my fan on
-I’m not wondering how much an ambulance will cost if it gets too bad to deal with on my own
-I’m not twitching every so often (Prince Charming suggested perhaps my random shakes were due to being possessed, and that an exorcism would be sort of neat)
-I’m looking forward to not having to work on Saterday, which is good…being hopeful for something is good
-I wouldn’t rather be put out of my misery then deal with this right now
So then we tally the points, right? …(drum role)..7 points in favor of suckiness, and 7 against it. Figures!
If we were to go into sudden death, there is in fact a tie-breaker.
Princess Georgia was laying in her royal room, trying to relax, with Prince Charming attempting to keep her company. The Princess was is an upset mood because after quite a few days free of Anxiety Monster visits, she had noticed that Monster lingering around her bedroom window. Taunting her. Princess Georgia had been in such a proud, positive mood, but the Monster is still stalking her, and it hurts to notice that.
Princess Georgia apologized to her Prince, for being such a bore. “You’re doing ok. You’re up and keeping busy, still toughing it out at work..you’re not stuck in your bed crying and refusing to move. You’re doing ok.”
Sometimes all it takes is a few words, a tiny reminder that other’s still care, and others will still be proud of you even when you’re not proud of yourself. A tiny reminder can tip the scale, in favor of NOT being declared a sucky failure.
When the waves peak, you feel like nothing but a loser, pathetic, failing and flailing, like all your hard work has been pointless. But waves drop, they level off and lap up on beaches on at a safe height. And the peaks are getting smaller! It doesn’t feel like it in the heat of the moment, but once I cool off, and the tears leave the back of my eyeballs, I can see it, admit that I am getting better. It’s getting easier.
A little reminder always helps, though.
Monday, July 5, 2010
FYI
Panic in a public place really stunts my thrifty shopping abilities.
When you desperately realize you need your OWN toilet..you grab the first thing you see baring some resemblance to what's on your shopping list, and don't bother comparing prices to all other like-items on the shelf!
So, if you're on a budget, I'd suggest leaving whatever retail establishment you're in, as soon as you start to overheat. And never leave things to the last minute! Or else you could very well be stuck with a $6 box of Kleenex, because you're anxious thoughts, following your anxious physical reactions, will keep you from going down a flight of stairs to pay only $1 for for a box of Kleenex at the dollar store.
When you desperately realize you need your OWN toilet..you grab the first thing you see baring some resemblance to what's on your shopping list, and don't bother comparing prices to all other like-items on the shelf!
So, if you're on a budget, I'd suggest leaving whatever retail establishment you're in, as soon as you start to overheat. And never leave things to the last minute! Or else you could very well be stuck with a $6 box of Kleenex, because you're anxious thoughts, following your anxious physical reactions, will keep you from going down a flight of stairs to pay only $1 for for a box of Kleenex at the dollar store.
Bon Voyage
At work we continually tell parents to have very reasonable expectations for their children. The classes I teach have parents in the gym with their children under 3 years old, and we always start by reminding parents that if their children want to wander around instead of sitting patiently in our opening circle, that’s totally ok! At the age of two, some children are able to sit, and wait in a circle for 5 minutes, some aren’t. At two years old, some children won’t have any means to listen to your ‘hello song’ or learn the baby sign language sign of the week, and that’s completely normal.
In the childcare profession, the most obvious thing I’ve learned is that children develop at different speeds. Your child may still be learning ‘two word sentences’ while another kid in their class can play Mozart on the piano. That’s just the way it is. However, there are still always going to be the parents who run and grab their children and bring them back to the circle, or hold their children upsidedown waiting for them to put their hands out for a front roll like the other children do. They say, and often believe they have reasonable expectations, but everyone wants the smartest, most advanced kid around! Everyone wants to be able to brag to other parents with reasonable expectations, that THEIR child can already read to themselves, or catch a ball.
That want..or NEED to live up to ‘reasonable’ expectations doesn’t end with our children though. By 24 years old we know how to drive a car never mind somersault, and speak second or third language never mind ‘more please’, and yet, we more often then not need more.
Princess Georgia just got home from a beautiful party held in honor of one of her very best friend who was about to embark on a journey across the land! The Princess’ friend was all packed and ready to leave her family and friends and the comfort of her own bed to travel far far away, all by herself! Princess Georgia was very happy for her friend, but she was also very envious.
Princess Georgia was a great Princess and while she knew she should be proud of how far along she had come in her battles with the Anxiety Monster, she couldn’t help but be disappointed in herself at the same time. She now had a friend going miles and miles and miles away on her own, and Princess Georgia couldn’t even bring herself to attend this farewell party without Prince Charming by her side, just in case. Princess Georgia didn’t want to be caught in a sneak attack without any backup, but her friend was brave enough to go kingdoms away without a single solider by her side.
Princess Georgia was still just getting used to getting up every morning and going to work at the kingdom’s children’s park without being too afraid of the Monster finding her there. Princess Georgia was still working on the courage to travel just one kingdom over, in order to visit her grandparents for the night. Princess Georgia knew there was no way she was strong enough to travel to the other side of the land all by herself, but knowing it doesn’t make it any easier to accept. The Anxiety Monster had forced Princess Georgia to put her own dreams of exploring far far away on hold, which often made her feel embarrassed, instead of feeling proud of the things she WAS able to accomplish.
It seems silly, but it’s true.
I’ve listened to people say that their goal was to be able to go grocery shopping without getting to anxious. To some people, another’s inability to go out to buy food in order to provide for their families, seems outrageous. I can go grocery shopping! What I can’t do right now, is ever imagine travelling around the world all by myself. That to me is terrifying. It’s terrifying to imagine being alone in a foreign country, and it’s terrifying to imagine never being able to be alone in a foreign country.
I have been told that even as adults, we all progress and feel success at a different pace, and that is a proven fact, but a hard fact to come to terms with. No matter what, we want to be able to conquer the world before anyone else does, just as we want for our children to be able to stand on their heads or do flips over the high bar before any other kids can.
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