Torn

When people are considering quitting a job, or taking a new job, breaking up with a significant other, or just which restaurant to order in dinner from, a technique commonly used is the pro/con list.

Such a list, is what I’ve fallen back on, while deciding whether to despise myself and the state I’m in, or not. It’s also way past midnight and the composing of lists could be just what I need to distract myself until I’m drowsy enough to sleep!

PROS: (proof I suck)

-After two fulltime weeks of work, feeling fine to work, I had to call in sick because of a tummy ache

-I’ve felt the need to take 3 gravols, an Imodium and an ativan in the last 24 hours

-I fear my hair is falling out

-I’m still very nervous without Prince Charming or King Daddy home

-I want to call in sick AGAIN, just incase I don’t feel better tomorrow, I’m scared to wake upstill feeling awful

-I keep eating, even though I know I shouldn’t. No, I know I should eat..not eating equals dying. But I have a small, weak stomach, and I know I should eat as much as I have. It’s like self-mutilation! Only instead of cutting, Im over eating! No, not overeating, since compared to normal people I havn’t eaten nearly too much..but it’s too much for me. I know my limits but I get pushy when I get angry. Or I get hungry when I get angry.

-I have barely started the new books I just bought, because when you’re spinny and sweaty and achy you want mindless distraction, like doodling or watching Season 4 Greys again. Trying to decipher 1000 words on 1000 pages is NOT mindless. But I fear that not reading will let my brain go mushy. And my brain is already mental enough..

CONS: (proof against my ‘loser’ theory)

-I’m not frozen in fear

-I’m not considering calling down the hall to King Daddy to come save me

-I’m not laying in a pile on the bathroom floor with my fan on

-I’m not wondering how much an ambulance will cost if it gets too bad to deal with on my own

-I’m not twitching every so often (Prince Charming suggested perhaps my random shakes were due to being possessed, and that an exorcism would be sort of neat)

-I’m looking forward to not having to work on Saterday, which is good…being hopeful for something is good

-I wouldn’t rather be put out of my misery then deal with this right now

So then we tally the points, right? …(drum role)..7 points in favor of suckiness, and 7 against it. Figures!

If we were to go into sudden death, there is in fact a tie-breaker.

Princess Georgia was laying in her royal room, trying to relax, with Prince Charming attempting to keep her company. The Princess was is an upset mood because after quite a few days free of Anxiety Monster visits, she had noticed that Monster lingering around her bedroom window. Taunting her. Princess Georgia had been in such a proud, positive mood, but the Monster is still stalking her, and it hurts to notice that.

Princess Georgia apologized to her Prince, for being such a bore. “You’re doing ok. You’re up and keeping busy, still toughing it out at work..you’re not stuck in your bed crying and refusing to move. You’re doing ok.”

Sometimes all it takes is a few words, a tiny reminder that other’s still care, and others will still be proud of you even when you’re not proud of yourself. A tiny reminder can tip the scale, in favor of NOT being declared a sucky failure.

When the waves peak, you feel like nothing but a loser, pathetic, failing and flailing, like all your hard work has been pointless. But waves drop, they level off and lap up on beaches on at a safe height. And the peaks are getting smaller! It doesn’t feel like it in the heat of the moment, but once I cool off, and the tears leave the back of my eyeballs, I can see it, admit that I am getting better. It’s getting easier.

A little reminder always helps, though.