BFFEs

Jorja: Up?

Jenn: Yep!











Phewf! You can enjoy/endure your first bathroom floor-panic texting chat w Jorja!

Oh no. What's wrong?

Nothing, as per usual. My tummy started gurgling, and then I over heat and get the shakes and swearrrrr I'm going to be sick (even tho I know I'm not) and I down my drugs and hide in my bathrom (just in case) til it leaves me alone

U can't just say I'm not sick I'm fine take a deep breath and walk away

I spent a week on this floor before Homewood etc, so paralyzed (the anxiety tenses all your muscles and joints) that I couldn't realize when I was Puking or shitting my pants or crying..lol until I was hallucinating! And that's the picture I see first, whenever i feel like this

Can u think of dancing oompa loompas and laugh?

Lol that def helps!! Just have to breathe and try to be patient and try to convince myself it's not THAT night

Its not that night. Its almost halloweeeeeeeenie

It only takes a few words from a BestFriendForEver (so what if she can't spell!) to spark a smile while under attack.

I told you I felt one coming on..

In one two three four
out five six seven eight
nine
ten
remember you
then breathe again.
In one two three four
out five
(lap to rest in)
six
(reassuring whisper)
seven
(comfy squeeze)
eight
(warm bed waiting)
nine
(cool breeze, hold my hand tighter)
ten. Forget this
remember you
then breathe again.
Its magic.
deep breaths
and magic.

Dear bf

Tuesday October 26
3:41am

Dear bf,
The first place I used to go..or where my anxiety would take me the moment it struck, is the night I was paralyzed on this floor with no control over what came out of my body etc. That was the most traumatic night of my life. And heck! I was sexually assaulted one night..but that particular panic attack, is the one thing that still haunts me. When I feel too warm or my heart starts pounding for no reason or my stomach gurgles the wrong way..I can instantly see what I saw that night, and feel and think what I did that night.

All I could see was under the sink cabinet and the bottom of the toilet, what I felt was shivering violently on the outside and 1000degrees inside, and what I thought was that I was dying, and I wished the process would just hurry up all ready! And that's where my anxious thoughts go. EVERY TIME!

My tattoo..the one I still haven't gotten yet lol, 'here' is a physical reminder during attacks to remain present, and not let my anxiety drag me back to THAT night. But it's a hard..HARD habit to break.

Just now though, when I ran into the bathroom with my fan and pillow and journal and nearly-dead cell...I didn't picture my self face into the floor and trembling and crying at my poor dad. This time I remembered you sitting on the edge of the tub behind me, and massaging my head until I calmed down during a morning attack maybe 2 weeks ago. I remembered seeing your pajama-pant'ed knees on the outside of me, feeling safe with your hands on me, and thinking that I just couldn't wait to get back into bed with you.

After 6 months of picturing the most traumatizing night of my life every time I felt an attack coming..I think that thinking of you instead, even if it's just this one time..is pretty magic!

Deep breaths, and magic.

Oh shoot..I feel a poem coming on. Lol xo

If You Really Knew Me

"If you really knew me, you'd know I am a nearly-25 ear old who hasn't been able to keep a full-time job, is terrified to move out and away from her daddy, who spends most of her free time on a bathroom floor crying and shaking, and who is slightly shamed by the fact that it seems some kids still in high school have their lives more together then I do now."

Tuesday, October 22nd I spent the day in a church gymnasium with over 100 grade 9 Centennial CVI students, student mentors, and adult volunteers taking part in a program I've grown to know and be thankful for.

Challenge Day has always been tougher to explain to those who haven't experienced it. It helps that now I can just tell people to go to MTV.ca and watch an episode of If You Really Knew Me, but back when I was in high school, it seemed easiest just to tell people that it's a therapy day with tons of crying!'. I mean, it kind of is.

More so, though, Challenge Day is about breaking down walls, stepping out of boxes, and allowing the REAL us to come out and be embraced. Challenge Day is about dismantling the things that separate us and instead discovering the honest and deep ways in which we can ALL connect.

So I didn't meet anyone in the group with Acute Panic Disorder who is terrified of diarrhea and is completely unable of spontaneous action. I DID however meet a whole heck of a lot of other people who are now, or used to be, scared of SOMETHING on a regular basis. I DID meet others who at one point considered that taking their own lives would be way easier then dealing with what they've been dealt. I even met someone who's petrified that they may never accomplish anything great, because so much is holding them back.

Who did I meet the most, though? Brave people.

It's takes a brave person, after all, to bare through a parents divorce, or depression, bullying, body image issues and self-doubt! I was surrounded by over 100 people who, despite their circumstances, were still standing.

When I was first diagnosed with APD, I talked to the teacher at my high school who's in charge of the Challenge Day program. By the time actual Challenge Day came around this year, I wanted to be this big, inspiring person who'd conquered her illness and moved on to great things! I wanted these grade 9 kids to see how great and successful one could be after surviving high school. However, I'm a nearly-25 ear old who hasn't been able to keep a full-time job, is terrified to move out and away from my daddy, who spends most of her free time on a bathroom floor crying and shaking! And in fact, I was the one who became inspired.

The most inspiring story was one that one of our Challenge Day hosts shared with us. He'd lost his mother at a very young age, his father had given up on him, and he was constantly told that he'd never make anything of himself or his passion for music. Skip a few chapters, and one day he's producing Vanilla Ice, and TuPac calls him up.

(FOR REALS!)

Yes, it's an inspiring story because I want big important and famous people to call ME up to tap my talents and potential. I mean seriously, John Mayer could make some gorgeous music out of my poetry, no?!

Besides the Hollywood side of his story though, is the fact that he never gave up. It may not have been the Anxiety Monster bustin down his door every night, but he faced his own monsters, and now he's 50 with a beautiful and happy family, and dreams that have come true. And now he's flying around the world letting people like me know, if we're brave enough to be brave, we can survive anything, and do anything.

I have good days, and bad days. On good days I can run errands and go to work, and feel sexy with my boyfriend without ever thinking about Ativan or Gravol or Imodium or Advil. On bad days, I worry that I will never be able to get better, and never reach a point where I can venture out and make a real life for myself.

And on those bad days, now I can think of the man who now knows Snoop Dawgg, or the boy who's succeeding on the track team despite the lack of love he gets from his mom and stepdad, or the girl who found the courage to apologize to someone she'd hurt, even though many have hurt her. I can think of girl with the perfect eyebrows who's smiling finally after months of teasing and exclusion, or the girl who's clearly going to save the lives of many young school mates despite the lack of those who helped save her, or the woman raising a child even though she knows it's what her best friend should be able to do instead.

I always wanted this blog to find someone who was suffering like I do, and let them know they're not alone. I've never gone out and looked for people to help ME feel as though I'm not alone, though. But sitting on the bathroom floor tonight, I am reminded that there ARE others, and if they can be brave then I can be brave. And if we can be brave together, there will come a day when we are all living in our own dreams, our own happiness, and our own true lives.

See you there ;)



For more information on this program that every human being should participate in, please visit:
http://www.challengeday.org/

http://www.mtv.ca/tvshows/if-you-really-knew-me/

Dear Diary

NOON

Panic.

Let the drugs settle.

Dad's home.

Breathe. Breathe, Jorj.




12:09PM

It only take a few minutes, in reality, for the first wave (and we pray the only wave) to come and finish. But those minutes feel hours long. Those minutes feel endless. In those few minutes, no matter how many 100 attacks you've survived and then noticed the clock had only let a few minutes pass...it feels like you're going to be stuck in this place forever. And could you imagine that?

In less then an instant, your chest is pounding too fast to count, your blood pressure drops so quickly you can't see straight, you're shaking cold even though everything under your skin is suddenly 30 degrees warmer then it should be. And you're crying. And the whole time your thinking, 'This is going to be forever. I'll never get over this. I am trying and trying and I can't get out!'

It's no wonder we cant, 'just relax' or 'you'll be fine' like the outsiders suggest.

You know they mean well. Actually, you know they're right, because you WILL be fine if you just hang in there and breathe. But at the time, 'relax' doesn't help, unfortunately. When someone is shaking and crying and stuttering and concidering just dying instead, 'relax' is most likely translated as 'please punch me in the face because I have no clue as to what you're going through!'

I could easily punch an offering someone. Or just a Peach Snapple, that would have helped right now too.

Huhhhhhhhhh.

My boyfriend sent me an email, "Morning and I love you!!! xoxoxo." Five words and a few letters usually isn't overly distracting..but from him, it is.

WARNING: Gravol required

It’s the waves

who are most deadly,

not sharks

not pirates.

When you’re finally

washing up,

exhausted

from treading

thrashing

content to lay your face

in dry sand,

the next wave comes

washing

your eyes over

and the tow steals you down again.

Treading

thrashing

again.

The Princess and The Bear Bargain

Princess Georgia and Bri Bear had been on the floor of their hideaway all night. Princess Georgia had run in, and slammed the door behind her after she felt the Anxiety Monster tiptoeing around her bedroom.

Princess Georgia was relieved to see her friend there too! Well, she didn't like that her new friend was also having a bad night, but she was thankful they could keep each other company, and try to keep each other calm. After a few hugs, and after The Princess had turned on the pretty pink fan she had dragged from her bedroom to keep them comfortable, the two friends entered into a very interesting kind of conversation.

"I would do ANYTHING to convince The Monster to leave me alone forever," Princess Georgia said. "I would give up all my dolls and all my books and all my toys if it meant never having to see him leering over my bed in the middle of the night ever again!"

"I would give up my home!" Bri Bear exclaimed. "If he could fit in there, and it meant he'd never bother me again, he could have it! I'd go find a new home. I'd go live in a tree or under a bridge with a Troll if it meant I'd never have to see The monster again."

"You could come live at my house," Princess Georgia promises. "It's a castle, so there's lots of room! But..I would much rather come join you and that ugly Troll under the bridge if it meant no more attacks."

"Maybe if we raised lots of money, like a bake sale! Maybe if we gave The monster lots of money, he would go away forever?" Bri Bear wondered.

"If I thought the Anxiety monster only attacked really special people, like Princesses...I would give up my crown."

"But you are THE Princess! You can't do that!" Bri Bear exclaimed.

"Maybe the Anxiety Monster thinks I'm a lousy Princess. Maybe if I stepped down, and gave my crown to someone else, He would be happier and leave me, and my kingdom alone. I would do that! I could be just a normal girl, with no one dressing me in fancy party gowns or bringing my breakfast up to my room every morning. I'd far rather be a meaningless nobody if it meant I'd never be attacked again.."

After being up, sick and anxious 3 times once finally getting to sleep in the first place, I had a similar conversation with a friend. Except, instead of offering up my dolls or my home, I said I wished Acute Panic Disorder was a cancer. I would gladly endure a surgery and then a few months of excruciating treatment and constant chemotherapy barfing, if when it was completed, I would NEVER feel sick to my stomach or overheat, or feel my heart rate triple in less then two seconds, or have to spend another single moment on this bathroom floor, ever again.

If the only way to CURE an anxiety disorder was to induce the mother-of-all-attacks...like that week before i was hospitalized and introduced to a mental institution...well, I would do that tomorrow. I would book time off work, apologize to all my loved ones for what I'm about to put them through, fill my bathroom with comfortable things, stock up on meds (No! I would do it all naturally if that was the only way) and brace myself for 168 hours of shaking and sweating and freezing and crying and starving and not sleeping and hallucinating and wanting to die.

I would do that. Does that makes me nuts? I mean, more nuts I already am?

It was a long night, but they had each other, at least, and when the sun came up, it had passed. The Monster had gotten exhausted from all his terrorizing, and Princess Georgia and her snuggly friend were able to open their big locked door, and take their own exhausted bodies to bed, for at least a little nap.

A beautiful distraction

Shout out to my friend Misty who introduced me to Polyvore.com!

Its a site that lets your creativity go to town, creating 'trends' and time-wasting, anxiety-distracting collages!

Fashion + words + colors + feelings = hearts :)

Princess Georgia and The Anxiety Monster by AuntieGeorge featuring tortoise sunglasses

Stand up & Speak out

Hi!

My name is Jorja!

I am a 24 year old college graduate, I love to write and dance, take naps, go to the movies and bake. I work at a bar, as well as in the childcare field, and I've been working on opening a home daycare center with a friend of mine! I like to doodle and collage, and I stopped drinking almost 3 years ago. I have a few great friends, a spectacular boyfriend, a pretty lovely family, and the most gorgeous goddaughter on the planet!

If you didn't know me and let's say, just met me while purchasing a beer and tipping me $1 at work, you'd assume I was a normal early-20s woman who probably has it really good. I mean, I'm pretty good looking, even with my new boy hair, and I'm always smiling! In the time it takes to tell me there should be a discount on drinks for guys named 'Erik' and that you'll tip me an extra 50cents if I throw in my number..you'd never assume that the smile you 'can't get over' is often the hardest part of my job.

Besides being a pretty poet who's quick with a bottle opener and the world's best babysitter, I am also the one of '1 in 5' Canadians with a mental illness.

Now believe me, I KNOW what 'mental illness' sounds like. In all the years that I felt sick and uncomfortable, I never considered it was a mental illness that was plaguing me. I mean, people with mental illnesses are..well, MENTAL! You picture them running around screaming about aliens trying to communicate with them through the microwave, or rocking back and forth in a corner.

And that's where all of society has gone wrong. We've seen Over The Cuckoo's Nest and Girl Interrupted, but where is there a movie about a girl wakes up every regular morning and has an instant stomach ache knowing she has to go to work and function around drunk people all night? I've never seen a movie about the good looking, popular football captain who got physically ill every morning at 10:00am because his math class starts at 10:10 and he can't understand anything that the teacher talks about.

Due to the way we've been educated in general, you know that the person in the wheelchair has a disability, you know the person wearing sunglasses and walking with a cane and a guide dog has a disability, but you don't have any reason to assume the outwardly normal-looking person next to them, is suffering just as much. Mental illness is number 4 on the top ten list of disabilities in Canada, but unless we all walked around with the word 'NUTS' tattooed to our foreheads, you'd rarely know the difference between the school teacher with a mental illness, and the school teacher without one.

Today marks the end of the official Mental Illness Awareness Week, and I feel obligated to help shed some sort of light on the issue. A full week of intended awareness seems important, but with 51 unaware weeks left over, it's just not good enough for me.

In a year, 5300 people will die from breast cancer in Canada, and that's a huge number so of course breast cancer is something we should be, and have been made VERY aware of on a regular basis. 23200 people are diagnosed with breast cancer in a given year, and their diagnosis effects the lives of thousands of loved ones, and because of those statistics, there is no one out there who hasn't been asked to donate to research funding or at least seen a pink ribbon somewhere.

Do you know what color ribbon represents mental health awareness? I had to Google for the answer 'GREEN', and I HAVE a mental illness! Have you ever had someone come to your door asking for a pledge, for their 'Walk To End Anxiety Attacks'? I haven't, either. And yet, approximately 7MILLION people in Canada are suffering from a mental illness in each year, and that's not counting all the boyfriends and wives and siblings and children who's lives are also touched by a loved one's suffering.

Each year in high school we spent a certain number of weeks taking a sexual education class instead of gym. We were taught about condoms and other forms of birth control, why it might ITCH down there, and about peer pressure. All well and good, but for someone who was secretly suffering with depression instead of being sexually active, not overly useful information.

It was good to have to learn about STIs like HIV because 400 people a year die from HIV in Canada. I remember being blown away by that number, and obviously understanding the importance of abstinence or condoms or regular STI testing once becoming sexually active. However, if the teacher had pointed out that 3692 of people with a mental illness commit suicide or die from self-harming actions each year, and how to detect and treat mental illnesses before it's too late..well, I may not be a 24 year old still living at home because her anxiety got so bad she's scared to leave her daddy.

Mental illness is a real thing, and a serious thing effecting people every day. It effects me, and for FAR more then one week out of the year. Not only am I not ashamed to say that I have a mental illness, I WANT people to know. I want people to know that even smart, pretty girls who have been on the cover of a national magazine can suffer from a mental illness. I want people to know that just because it's, unfortunately, rarely talked about, they are not the only ones suffering, and there are places we can go to for help and support.

My name is Jorja, and I've been diagnosed with depression, and Acute Panic Disorder. I don't enjoy it, I would never say I'm proud of it, but I can't deny it. I CAN however hope for a 'general public' in the near future, where others can openly admit to having, and discuss their own mental illnesses as one would a cancer diagnosis, without out the utter fear of being called 'crazy' or being made to feel guilty or pathetic..for more then 1 week out of each year.

Helpful information about all mental illnesses, for those suffering and those dealing with someone who has a mental illness, you can start here:

www.CMHA.ca

www.mooddisorderscanada.com

www.depressionhurts.ca