If You Really Knew Me

"If you really knew me, you'd know I am a nearly-25 ear old who hasn't been able to keep a full-time job, is terrified to move out and away from her daddy, who spends most of her free time on a bathroom floor crying and shaking, and who is slightly shamed by the fact that it seems some kids still in high school have their lives more together then I do now."

Tuesday, October 22nd I spent the day in a church gymnasium with over 100 grade 9 Centennial CVI students, student mentors, and adult volunteers taking part in a program I've grown to know and be thankful for.

Challenge Day has always been tougher to explain to those who haven't experienced it. It helps that now I can just tell people to go to MTV.ca and watch an episode of If You Really Knew Me, but back when I was in high school, it seemed easiest just to tell people that it's a therapy day with tons of crying!'. I mean, it kind of is.

More so, though, Challenge Day is about breaking down walls, stepping out of boxes, and allowing the REAL us to come out and be embraced. Challenge Day is about dismantling the things that separate us and instead discovering the honest and deep ways in which we can ALL connect.

So I didn't meet anyone in the group with Acute Panic Disorder who is terrified of diarrhea and is completely unable of spontaneous action. I DID however meet a whole heck of a lot of other people who are now, or used to be, scared of SOMETHING on a regular basis. I DID meet others who at one point considered that taking their own lives would be way easier then dealing with what they've been dealt. I even met someone who's petrified that they may never accomplish anything great, because so much is holding them back.

Who did I meet the most, though? Brave people.

It's takes a brave person, after all, to bare through a parents divorce, or depression, bullying, body image issues and self-doubt! I was surrounded by over 100 people who, despite their circumstances, were still standing.

When I was first diagnosed with APD, I talked to the teacher at my high school who's in charge of the Challenge Day program. By the time actual Challenge Day came around this year, I wanted to be this big, inspiring person who'd conquered her illness and moved on to great things! I wanted these grade 9 kids to see how great and successful one could be after surviving high school. However, I'm a nearly-25 ear old who hasn't been able to keep a full-time job, is terrified to move out and away from my daddy, who spends most of her free time on a bathroom floor crying and shaking! And in fact, I was the one who became inspired.

The most inspiring story was one that one of our Challenge Day hosts shared with us. He'd lost his mother at a very young age, his father had given up on him, and he was constantly told that he'd never make anything of himself or his passion for music. Skip a few chapters, and one day he's producing Vanilla Ice, and TuPac calls him up.

(FOR REALS!)

Yes, it's an inspiring story because I want big important and famous people to call ME up to tap my talents and potential. I mean seriously, John Mayer could make some gorgeous music out of my poetry, no?!

Besides the Hollywood side of his story though, is the fact that he never gave up. It may not have been the Anxiety Monster bustin down his door every night, but he faced his own monsters, and now he's 50 with a beautiful and happy family, and dreams that have come true. And now he's flying around the world letting people like me know, if we're brave enough to be brave, we can survive anything, and do anything.

I have good days, and bad days. On good days I can run errands and go to work, and feel sexy with my boyfriend without ever thinking about Ativan or Gravol or Imodium or Advil. On bad days, I worry that I will never be able to get better, and never reach a point where I can venture out and make a real life for myself.

And on those bad days, now I can think of the man who now knows Snoop Dawgg, or the boy who's succeeding on the track team despite the lack of love he gets from his mom and stepdad, or the girl who found the courage to apologize to someone she'd hurt, even though many have hurt her. I can think of girl with the perfect eyebrows who's smiling finally after months of teasing and exclusion, or the girl who's clearly going to save the lives of many young school mates despite the lack of those who helped save her, or the woman raising a child even though she knows it's what her best friend should be able to do instead.

I always wanted this blog to find someone who was suffering like I do, and let them know they're not alone. I've never gone out and looked for people to help ME feel as though I'm not alone, though. But sitting on the bathroom floor tonight, I am reminded that there ARE others, and if they can be brave then I can be brave. And if we can be brave together, there will come a day when we are all living in our own dreams, our own happiness, and our own true lives.

See you there ;)



For more information on this program that every human being should participate in, please visit:
http://www.challengeday.org/

http://www.mtv.ca/tvshows/if-you-really-knew-me/