Dear bf

Tuesday October 26
3:41am

Dear bf,
The first place I used to go..or where my anxiety would take me the moment it struck, is the night I was paralyzed on this floor with no control over what came out of my body etc. That was the most traumatic night of my life. And heck! I was sexually assaulted one night..but that particular panic attack, is the one thing that still haunts me. When I feel too warm or my heart starts pounding for no reason or my stomach gurgles the wrong way..I can instantly see what I saw that night, and feel and think what I did that night.

All I could see was under the sink cabinet and the bottom of the toilet, what I felt was shivering violently on the outside and 1000degrees inside, and what I thought was that I was dying, and I wished the process would just hurry up all ready! And that's where my anxious thoughts go. EVERY TIME!

My tattoo..the one I still haven't gotten yet lol, 'here' is a physical reminder during attacks to remain present, and not let my anxiety drag me back to THAT night. But it's a hard..HARD habit to break.

Just now though, when I ran into the bathroom with my fan and pillow and journal and nearly-dead cell...I didn't picture my self face into the floor and trembling and crying at my poor dad. This time I remembered you sitting on the edge of the tub behind me, and massaging my head until I calmed down during a morning attack maybe 2 weeks ago. I remembered seeing your pajama-pant'ed knees on the outside of me, feeling safe with your hands on me, and thinking that I just couldn't wait to get back into bed with you.

After 6 months of picturing the most traumatizing night of my life every time I felt an attack coming..I think that thinking of you instead, even if it's just this one time..is pretty magic!

Deep breaths, and magic.

Oh shoot..I feel a poem coming on. Lol xo