Gleeking Out

When I got home from NYC, I had tons of TV to catch up on from the last week!

(Yes, I watch them online, which may or may not be illegal...)

I finally got around to Tuesday's 90 minute Glee episode (saved the best for last, a habit of mine, even when it comes to conquering my Christmas dinner plate) and was just blown away.

The most obviously impressive part of the show was the cast's cover of Lady Gaga's Born This Way, during which, Kurt just melted my frigging heart. The overall theme of aelf-acceptance is a movement that has always been close to my heart. But for me, the greatest scene was just a few seconds long, and moved mountains: Emma, Ms. Pillsbury sat at her desk with a bottled water, and her prescription medication bottle.

I was honestly gripping my sides, just praying that she'd take it, in front of the whole world. And she did. She opened the bottle, considered the little pill for a moment, put it in her mouth, and swallowed! Even after she put it in her mouth, I was worried she wouldn't, but she swallowed.

Ever since getting my first prescription in high school, to help me with my depression diagnosis, it seems as though every movie and TV show I watch that involves a mentally ill character, prescription drugs are never an advertised avenue of treatment. There have always been scenes with girls taking a pill, staring themselves down in the mirror, and then spitting it out before dumping the whole bottle down the toilet. There have always been scenes with characters ranting about not wanting to become a zombie, or numb to the world, or less of themselves by taking drugs. Before this week's Glee episode, we never saw a doctor suggest therapy AND medication, and we never saw a patient follow through.

Mr. Schuester made a good point, something I'd always noticed, that Emma makes OCD look frigging adorable, and endearing, but that it is a serious condition. After a year and a half of everyone aww'ing and giggling over the school counselor wearing rubber gloves to eat and sanitizing-wiping individual grapes, all the while paying serious attention to other issues like homosexuality and bullying, something was finally done for her character.

Not only did this impeccably-dressed little woman admit to everyone that she does in fact have a mental illness, she inevitably showed the world that someone can use drugs to make a positive change in their lives. And I am SO thankful.

Yes, there are more negative side-effects to using medication, then there is by just using talk-therapy methods, but contrary to what Tom Cruise says, there are also major...major benefits.

When I first went the drug-route, I was put on a low dose of Celexa. And I got lucky! I didn't experience any negative side-effects, even when the dose was upped slightly. When I was diagnosed with Acute Panic, next to depression, I experienced that experimenting phase. We tried one drug, and it didn't work, then another, and it made me feel gross, then another...etc. Oh, there was one other that worked well, but it was a new drug which means a very high retail price, and when you don't have a job with health benefits, that is unfortunately something that has to be taken into consideration.

In the end, it turns out that a higher dosage of my original Celexa is what worked best for my depression, and keeping my anxiety as mild as possible. And maybe that sounds weird. I'm sure that more then one person has considered, 'Maybe NO Celexa would work just as well, then?'

Believe me, even in high school I considered that too. Sometimes I'd get to the end of a bottle, and intentionally forget to call in a refill for a few days. I've always pushed that possibility. But after a drug-free day 3...I'd start feeling that urge to cry over something as pointless as discovering the milk jug put back in the fridge, already empty.

When I want to advocate for drug therapy, I always find myself wishing that I'd videotaped the few weeks I switched drugs to see if one would help my GI issues better. The transformation happened so gradually that I didn't notice it, until one day I found myself repulsed my the thought of enjoying sex with the man I'd loved for the last 3 years, or hugging my dad goodnight like I did EVERY night. Without a medication that was proven to work (for me) I was this bitter, easily-agitated, overly-sensitive bitch. And EVERYONE felt it. To the point that, I was willing to accept my upset stomach issues, over alienating everyone that I loved.

It is a different experience for everyone, prescription medication, but I am very glad that a piece of pop-culture finally validated it as a viable option. Sure, there are possible negative outcomes...But what fork in the road DOESN'T involve the possibility of a negative outcome?

A'men, you crazy red-head, you!

Princess Georgia does New York City

I honestly thought I'd be writing this while actually in NYC..having a panic attack in our little bathroom, and needing to vent. However once the Anxiety Monster realized that he wasn't going to force me to pack up, after a fairly traumatizing experience in a Starbucks bathroom..I think he himself went back home to wait for me!
So, we had a really wonderful time!
There's always one or two lousy experiences to be had when traveling, but a crazy mugger never trapped me in a dark alley and robbed me of my purse which housed my Ativan supply (Because thats honestly what I kept picturing lol), so I can not complain!
I think having been there once before, the big city felt more comfortable, then I'd anticipated. A very nice surprise. We weren't rushed to see certain things, or feeling pressured to do certain things. We were just there! And pretty in love, too.
We, being Prince Charming and I, I mean.
While I managed to go the entire time without finding a princess charm for my bracelet (or ANY Big Apple-related charm for that matter..) I got to take my time in Tiffanys, on 5th, as all princesses should! I also very much appreciated my bathroom break in the Tiffanys washroom! (I even brought a few Tiffanys toilet seat covers home, for my fellow bathroom-stuck friends!)
The highlights this time were definitely writing-related. First, a stroll down Perry Street to where Carrie Bradshaw's front steps are located! That was neat. Sure it was all make-believe, but that was the front door to the apartment where she did all her writing. That was the curb that Big always pulled up to in his limo, to apologize time and again. If you excuse the 'This is a private residence, please respect our property' sign chained across the bottom stair, it was an incredibly romantic location.

Nearly as romantic as the New York City Public Library! *sigh. Carrie actually said it best in the first SATC movie, "It's where all the great love stories are held". While there wasn't a copy of Love Story available that day (but I looked it up!) and there is still no a/c which is ridiculous, it was pretty fantastic to just be there. You could just smell the musty history. Just this huge, regal, warm structure full of words.

We also found Grand Central Station, luckily on a fluke. No famous words there..but THE most spectacular ceiling. It's no Sixteenth Chapel, but it's a map of constellations in a Tiffanys-blue sky. Gorgeous! I can't imagine how romantical it must have felt, when Arthur (Russel Brand, lol) had that main terminal emptied for a dinner date with Naomi, and they had that whole ceiling to themselves..
Believe it or not, that romantic comedy also tipped us off onto another ridiculously adorable NYC secret..the 'Whisper Wall'! It's this big arch through one of the tunnels/hallways, where one of you can stand and whisper into the corner, and (if all the tourists are kind enough to shut up a moment) the other person can hear it in the other corner! You have to love a city that hides little wonders like that.
We had fantastic weather overall, good food (when I felt like eating) and we stayed in a nice little apartment that was just a block away from the Westside Market which was a brilliant 24-hour store with fresh fruit and a salad bar, and JUGS of Peach Snapple :)
Speaking of which. Lol. Not only did I take a minute to buy a Peach tea on the street (my first News Stand purchase), AND happen apon the Snapple Theater Center (where many Apprentice 'tasks' have taken place), when we dropped off my boyfriend's dad and his girlfriend to board the Queen Mary2 in Brooklyn, we ended up right next to the Snapple Shipping Yards dock! Imagine! Like MILES of storage and factory space, all dedicated to 'the best stuff on Earth'.
If there is one thing that I can logically complain about when it comes to the Empire State, it's the public washroom situation. I mean, c'mon!
Because space is so expensive in New York, even a brand like Starbucks or McDonalds can only afford to install, more often then not, ONE toilet! Sometimes there was one stall for men and one for women, but either way there was always a lineup. Which, is never appreciated by someone who suffers with an anxious digestive system! I was either antsy in line dying to use the toilet, or I was on the toilet dying while the line was growing on the other side of the door.

Believe me, nothing is more nerve-racking then having someone knock on the door every 60 seconds to check if someone is actually still in there. And then I'd have to suck it all up, dry my tears, and walk past that line of impatient customers once I was finally finished.
I am definitely glad to be home, back in the comfort of my own bathroom. But as you're driving across the Brooklyn Bridge heading home, there is an instant longing for the romantic buzz, and wide streets of New York City.

What's your favorite scary movie?

I saw Scream4 tonight!

It wassssss fantastic! Cheesy, and hilarious, and jumpy just like any classic horror movie!

Being the dufus that I am, I found myself relating to poor Sydney Prescott. She's just a regular high school student (well, back in the first installment) and one day, things start going to hell!

Obviously I can't relate to her boyfriend-turned-mass murderer, and luckily my best friend hasn't been murdered by a garage door (..yet), my mother wasn't raped and murdered after being caught cheating, and my dad was never ducktaped into a closet...BUT! I do know what it's like to spend your life looking over your shoulder, always on edge, always preparing for the worst (thought, she was a terrible preparer..why would she NOT have gotten a gun for the second episode?). I know what it's like to live a life dictated by some monster. The Anxiety Monster may not stab people to death, but his wrath is just as heavy, his attacks are just as personal, and his face is just as creepy! (Actually, the Anxiety Monster is rather jealous, since he doesnt have a world-famous Halloween costume designed after him, yet)

Sydney moves far away, and the monster finds her there, and then she comes home, and the monster finds her there again. Just when she thinks she's safe, there's that Ghost Face in her front door window! Just when I'm celebrating my one year anniversary of my diagnosis, and realizing that I haven't had an attach in a good while...BOO! There I am on Prince Charming's bathroom floor, bracing myself, and embarrassed.

I learned 2 things this past Wednesday morning..

1. Being attack-free for a few weeks (like major-attack-free) is definitely something to celebrate, but over time you start to forget what feeling really anxious feels like..so when that next attack hits, it knocks you right off guard!

I was just in shock, and scrambling, and scared. It's so easy to get used to NOT having attacks as regularly as I used to, and start getting comfortable and confident again. So this particular 5am panic was much more damaging then it would have been, had I been having attacks more regularly. So what's preferred? Having attacks every other day, but being able to keep them at bay, or being panic-free until one finally comes and literally knocks you off your feet?

Perhaps, I've gotten myself better to the point where I can keep the regular anxiety in check, and now the next step is to find a way that makes these sneak-attacks much easier to handle, too.

2. My boyfriend is a NATURAL, when it comes to defusing a full-blown, Level 10 attack.

I had gotten out of his bed, trying not to wake him, and sat in his bathroom. I was over-heated in bed and had to pee..but then I kept heating up, and when I went to pee, that gona-puke siren started blaring and I just went to the floor!

I called him in (just like Daddy lol) and as soon as I saw him I laied on the floor, and he put a bucket in front of me. He found my drugs, and got a cold cloth for my neck. Then he stuck his hand under the tap, sat down behind me, and put one hand on my outstretched arm, and one on my bare back. It was a MAGIC amount of pressure that he kept on my body (intense full-body pressure has been proven to calm anxiety, but I've never tried it), and it was only 10 minutes until I felt safe enough to sit up. Lucky for him too, lol because he had to leave for work asap!

Whether it's a parent or a friend, or a King Daddy, or a boyfriend..they have NO idea what is going on inside your head and inside your body at that moment, but them remaining there until you're ok..it's breath taking!

I think that the Anxiety Monster and I are just barely starting our first sequel now, so there's still a ways to go...2.5 more movies, actually. But in the end, I want to be just like Sidney! A published author coming back to where it all started, to slaughter that monster herself!

"CLEAR!"

(You'd only really understand that final word, if you've seen the movie. lol)

Success Is Spelt With A 'G'

In honor of the beginning of my second year since my official diagnosis, I am proud to share with you two great things I have achieved in the last 24 hours!

# 1. Ladies and Gentlemen, there is a new G-licensed driver in the Kingdom!

I booked my G-License road test about 14 months ago.

Then I went a little nuts. With all the commotion of my Homewood classes, and being too anxious to leave my bathroom confidently, let alone get in a car with a stranger and drive on the highway, I went online and canceled/re-booked my test date.

And then I went online and canceled/re-booked my test date, again. And then I went online to cancel/rebook again, but I'd already done so too many times, so it said I had to CALL the offices in order to cancel/rebook.

The next time I had to go into the Drive Test Center to cancel/rebook in person. Then I got a letter in the mail reminding me that if I didn't get my G license before August, I'd lose my license and have to start from the G1 level again!

I'm sure by then, my license number was setting off red flags like a terrorist scanning his passport trying to get through the air port. But every time I'd notice that test date getting too close on my calendar, I'd get all dizzy and sweaty and freak out under the pressure, and chicken out completely. But not this time!

I hadn't had a major attack in almost a month, I'd gotten out to practice, and I just kept telling myself that it's not a big deal. If I failed, I could try again and be even more comfortable the next time around. But when the tester lady said, "Well, you passed..." it became a big deal!

Considering my sister, who's 4 years younger then me, got her G license long before I did..as did everyone else I know, basically.. it may not seem like something worth celebrating, to most people. But this was the first of many things that my anxiety had kept me from doing, and I have officially overcome it! How about that?!

2. Princess Georgia and I have stumbled upon our very first 'hater'!

Anonymous said...

I am of the very strong opinion that you are insane.

February 27, 2011 12:20 AM

I don't receive any kind of notice, unfortunately, when someone posts a comment on one of my entries, so it wasn't until I was reading through older pages last night that I found THAT comment! I am glad I saw it though.

At first I was livid, naturally. Like, say-that-to-my-face-and-I'll-punch-your-teeth-out livid. Then I thought of all those young, female, Hollywood celebrities that have to log on and read FAR worse things written about them every day! Considering that, I'm actually quite flattered! I'm not even in the tabloids, and someone dislikes me enough to take the time to type out a few hateful and judgmental words?! Heck yes, they do!

Plus, this 'Anonymous' a-hole had to first take the time to read my blog before posting that comment, and I thank them for that. lol. Besides, being nuts is way better then being a random, Anonymous, judgmental bitch :)

So, cheers to my success, and to yours. And cheers to those who have not been successful enough in their own lives, that they feel the need to publicly ridicule others. A'men, and goodnight, xo.

You Are Cordially Invited

WHEN: Right now!

WHERE: The Royal Ballroom

WHAT: A celebration of Princess Georgia's survival, of an entire year spent with the Anxiety Monster

WHY: Princess Georgia is hosting a grand party to thank those around her who have been by her side, the entire duration of this grand battle

No R.S.V.P necessary, if you are reading this, you are more then welcome to attend!

* * * * * * * *


It took a lot of research (back-reading through old journals) to figure out the exact date of when THAT week began. I can't be completely sure, because I didn't write that first night. Or that next day! Which is SO unlike me. I hadn't yet learned, the comfort of journaling my way through an attack. Plus, THAT 'attack' was honestly too debilitating to connect lucid thoughts, let alone hold a pen steady. It all happened so fast, I never even bothered to try to sort it out on paper...it's just a vivid picture in my head.

But I know, it has been a year.

Imagine. An entire year!

A year ago I was sick enough to end up in Emerge, and I was anxious enough to jump the wait-list and immediately begin treatment in a mental rehabilitation clinic (or, a NUT HOUSE!). A year ago, I honest-to-god didn't think I'd survive THAT week. A year ago, I didn't want to survive it. And now it's been a year. And I can not express the proud, and the relief, and the thankful that filled me when realizing this milestone.

It's been a long year. A long ass year. And a tough year. It's been the longest and the toughest year of my life. Of OUR lives. I may have been the only one on the front lines, I may have been the one that had to do all the heavy fighting, but I haven't been alone, not once, this entire year.

My Dad (King Daddy) was there the night it all began...shoveling my throw-up off the floor, and promising that it would be over soon, as I laid there crying, begging him to just put me out of my misery instead. Even after seeing me that way, he's never left my side. Over the last year he has gotten so used to me yelling for him, for company during an attack in the middle of the night, that he sometimes still wakes up just thinking he can hear me calling. He has hugged me EVERY day since, and never forgot to ask how I was feeling, and never forgot to tell me how proud he's been.

My mom has made sacrifices throughout her entire life, but THAT week, she made the ultimate sacrifice for me. Well, I thought it was a pretty huge deal anyways. Dad had a business meeting, and after already taking time off to stay home with me, he had to go. And suddenly I was home alone for the first time. It took begging, and crying, but eventually my mom upstairs and found my on the bathroom floor, and sat by the freezing cold fan with me, telling pointless stories until I was distracted enough to calm down. It’s a big deal because my mom doesn’t live here! She walked into her ex-husband’s house to be with me, when I needed her the most. She’s also proven to be the best company during any major blood-testing appointment, or trip to Emerge.

My sister and I are separated by 4 years, but this year we fell in love again. Being a sister is a tough role, especially to another sister, with ups and downs, and comparisons. It’s like girl friends, times a billion! Overall, she’s very likely received the most late-night/mid-day/5am text messages from an anxious me over the last year, and she always replies. All it takes is a reply, most of the time, and the fact that hers were never laced with judgment, has just been a bonus. Oh! We have a brother too, you know! And maybe our brother-sister relationship isn’t as deep as our sister-sister relationship..I don’t bother HIM with texts from my toilet, lol..but I will never stop being thankful for finding him back in my life again, this year of all years.

And then there's Prince Charming. When we 'first' met over three years ago, I was surprised he wanted to date me. He was the handsomest, coolest, most mature boy..and I was just a mess of a girl getting out of a crappy relationship. But I was still completely sane, as far as he knew, back then! We'd only been officially a couple for less than two years when I became too sick to want to go out, and too depressed to give him enough affection, and too anxious to deal with it on my own.

For most couples, especially still in the early stages of a life together, a trip to the loony bin would usually signify the end of things. What 26-year old man wants people knowing that he's dating a girl in need of psychiatric help?! But he did.

I have never underestimated how hard this year has been on him, but he never gave me reason to underestimate how much he cared for me, either. From accompanying me on trips I was too scared to take myself, to just replying with a ‘Take your time, I’m here’, he kept my heart from ever hurting the way the rest of me did. Life is so much easier to survive when you have something to look forward to, and a normal, healthy, happily ever-after with him, has been the greatest motivation.

This year has taught me two major lessons:

1) Patience.

2) Real friends, real love shines truest when the world is at it’s darkest.

I have always had friends, plenty of friends, but it takes a year full of FAR less partying, far less fun, and way more drama to prove what a real friend is. It also takes a year like this to understand what being part of a family feels like, no matter how un-immediate most family members are.

I know that it’s not over yet, and maybe its one of those things that will never be over, but I truly believe that I have survived the worst of it. We have survived the worst of it. It will never be as bad as it has been, and that leaves me feeling confident. A year ago, I honest-to-god didn't think I'd survive THAT week. A year ago, I didn't want to survive it. And now it's been a year. And that leaves me feeling hopeful.

Confident, and hopeful.

If I can survive this, you can survive anything.

Love Always,

Princess Georgia