..I have a gut feeling (no pun intended..) that I still have Endometriosis lurking around in the bottom of my body. My bowels, or my uterus, or whatever the heck else is down there, has been in serious pain for 2 weeks now, and I have no other idea as to WHY. Though, this self diagnosis could easily be my anxious self catastrophising, fearful prediction..assuming that I'll wake up one day, and the Endo will have eaten through my organs and Ill have 2 months to live.
But if there isnt Endo, or some other disease in there that doctors havn't been able to diagnose..WHY do I feel like this?!
I've been told I have an anxious gut. My intestines are having a panic attack. For 14 days? And if it is in fact just my anxiety making me feel like this, why is am I feeling like this now?
I am on freaking medications. I have a job where I hang out with cute kids all day (well, there is at least 1 child who is cute enough to make the hours worth it!). I don't have any huge financial woes, and I am still living safely at home. I am in what is likely the best romantic relationship in existence. I have a best friend for a dad, and I am in an increasingly comfortable relationship with my mother again. My sister and I would die for each other, and I am in contact with my little brother again. The most physical or mental exertion I have to endure is a laughing fit with my dad, or hot sex with my boyfriend. Or a crying fit after Dr. George OMally died last season! Yea, I come home after work, eat my comfort food (cereal!) and watch mindlessly wonderful distracting sitcoms over and over on line, before getting to sleep in a comfy bed with a roof over my head!
What the hell do I have to be anxious about? I mean, Im anxious about being so anxious...but what in my normal every day life has me SO anxious, it results in the physical pain, and torturous pressure in my lower abdominal area?
Princess Georgia KNOWS that she is growing stronger. She is becoming a better warrior and a better advocate for the others in the kingdom who have been attacked by the Anxiety Monster. Princess Georgia is able to breathe slower, cry less, and scream for help less, when under attack. She is getting better, and everyone knows it, and she knows it. But she gets frustrated feeling like she should be MORE better. She's a princess for god's sake! She deserves to be even better, then the gradual better she has become.
Damn that Monster.
Would if you tried turning your life upside down. Would if you forced yourself to do something that scares you. If you backpacked through Europe on your own, or if you volunteered for World Vision and lived in a third world country for a year. Something drastic. You might die from anxiety. But if you didn't, maybe the anxiety you have now wouldn't be so much when you came home. It sounds like you're fighting something big here, and I hope you're able to break free from it. If it's purely physical, then maybe there's not much you can do but hope it goes away, or that your Doctor finds you something that gives you relief and a chance to live life the way you want to live it, the way you were meant to. But if it's not physical, then there has to be something you can do. I mean there's hope anyway, there has to be something that comes your way which allows you to cope and not let it build to the point of unbearable. I like your blogs, they put people in your head. But you have to slay it. If you don't, then this book will never finish. Maybe I'm just disney. But the dragon doesn't outlive you.
ReplyDeleteDear Portland,
ReplyDeleteYours is the very first comment from someone I dont actually know..which takes my breath away. I just wanted to reach ONE person outside of the loved ones around me who already appreciate my literary skills lol and know what Im going through.
I really appreciate all you said, and if theres a way to contact you, let me know. It said I couldnt connect to your profile or whatever?
And if theres anyone you know dealing with a situation at all similar to mine, PLEASE pass a long my blog.
Thanks again, xoxo