I'm home, I'm not home alone, I'm safe, I'm prepared, and I'm medicated..now I just have to hold on, and hang in there until it dissipates. Which gives me time to write about something that has been bothering me ever since I started to get really sick!
My mom and I got to go to a baby shower yesterday. And you know not much makes me more comfortable then a baby! On the opposite end of things, there is also one thing that makes me extremely uncomfortable. Not quite as uncomfortable as I am stuck on a toilet right now (where would we be, without mobile phones that allow you to type drafts for a blog no matter where you're stuck?!), but uncomfortable.
"What's new with you? What have you been up to?"
Huhhhhh.
I'm rarely at a loss for words, but my brain doesn't function fast enough to spin my current situation into a something to be proud of, on the spot like that! "Can I just go over here and jot down a few ideas, and then get back to you?" That is my first thought.
Yesterday was especially hard, though. We were visiting family friends that we hadn't seen (and I'd been missing!) for a really long time, so there should be a lot to actually catch up on. But when one of the sons has just brought a perfect little girl into the world, two of the sons are engaged, and all four of them have brilliant and beautiful girls with them..I can't help but feel ashamed of 'what's new and what I've been up to'. It also doesn't help when it's mentioned how brilliant my baby sister is, and how successful she's been at University, and how she's really going places. And that my little brother lives independently and just started a big new job he's really excited about!
Sometimes it feels like the whole world is making leaps and bounds all around me. I'm just siting in the middle of a giant intersection like an unsafe moron, and everyone else, whichever direction they're going, is passing me.
I suppose I could just suck it up, and be thankful that at least no one has run me over yet!
I bump into people in the grocery store, moms of old friends, or old high school classmates at work, and I become a big fat liar. What's the point in saying anything but, "I'm doing good thanks"? Nobody asks how you are and actually wants to hear, "Well. Since we last saw each other I've lost 20lbs because I've been so sick, I've been a patient at a mental hospital, I've begged my own father to just kill me after throwing up and shitting my pants for two hours, I've lost like 4 jobs because of too many legitimate sick days, and I still live at home because I can't afford to move out with the love of my life..yep, that's about it! How about yourself?"
Last night my mom spoke up (I think, because she feels sorry for me) and let everyone know that I'd graduated college with my ECE diploma, and that I'd like to go back to school so that I can specialize in working with children with special needs. But who hasn't graduated college? And who doesn't have plans to go back to school one day? I just can't compete, when I'm the only sick and anxious person at a table full of beautiful and normal-abled people.
I will note that one of the boys was really impressed by my newest tattoo, which lead to talking about all my poetry, and blogging, which made me feel a lot better about myself. Tattoos are fantastic diversion! "What have you accomplished lately?" "Ughhh..Wana see my new tattoo?!"
I could take a second, and stop feeling so sorry for myself and just tell people the truth when they ask, I just don't know how to say it. It doesn't make any real sense to anyone, no matter how I explain it. People don't realize that for me, remaining alive and willing, is a huge accomplishment. Actually. People can't understand that having a panic attack in my bathroom without calling my daddy in to hold my hand until it's over, is actually something that I can now be really proud of. Or I should be, anyways!
I don't have a problem talking about depression, or panic, or a constant fear or pooing in my pants again...I'm not actually embarrassed. But I need to really know that someone really wants to know the truth. And that's hard to decipher. Is someone asking about your life because they're genuinely interested in whatever you might say? Or are they just being polite, because it's polite to ask people about themselves? (It is the polite thing to do)
I don't know. And this particular entry doesn't have a decent conclusion. Which makes it more of a rant I guess. Or just something better for my brain to concentrate on, instead of 'Why the hell am I spinning, and nauseous, and pounding and sweating YET again?'
If I have one weakness as a writer, it's my lack of ability to end things eloquently. Beginnings are easy-peasy once you have any kind of idea, and after that I can write, and write, and write! But whether it's a story, or a blog, or even a poem, I'm not all that good at wrapping things up.
Maybe it's because everything I write is just so damn good, I don't want it to end.
My mom and I got to go to a baby shower yesterday. And you know not much makes me more comfortable then a baby! On the opposite end of things, there is also one thing that makes me extremely uncomfortable. Not quite as uncomfortable as I am stuck on a toilet right now (where would we be, without mobile phones that allow you to type drafts for a blog no matter where you're stuck?!), but uncomfortable.
"What's new with you? What have you been up to?"
Huhhhhh.
I'm rarely at a loss for words, but my brain doesn't function fast enough to spin my current situation into a something to be proud of, on the spot like that! "Can I just go over here and jot down a few ideas, and then get back to you?" That is my first thought.
Yesterday was especially hard, though. We were visiting family friends that we hadn't seen (and I'd been missing!) for a really long time, so there should be a lot to actually catch up on. But when one of the sons has just brought a perfect little girl into the world, two of the sons are engaged, and all four of them have brilliant and beautiful girls with them..I can't help but feel ashamed of 'what's new and what I've been up to'. It also doesn't help when it's mentioned how brilliant my baby sister is, and how successful she's been at University, and how she's really going places. And that my little brother lives independently and just started a big new job he's really excited about!
Sometimes it feels like the whole world is making leaps and bounds all around me. I'm just siting in the middle of a giant intersection like an unsafe moron, and everyone else, whichever direction they're going, is passing me.
I suppose I could just suck it up, and be thankful that at least no one has run me over yet!
I bump into people in the grocery store, moms of old friends, or old high school classmates at work, and I become a big fat liar. What's the point in saying anything but, "I'm doing good thanks"? Nobody asks how you are and actually wants to hear, "Well. Since we last saw each other I've lost 20lbs because I've been so sick, I've been a patient at a mental hospital, I've begged my own father to just kill me after throwing up and shitting my pants for two hours, I've lost like 4 jobs because of too many legitimate sick days, and I still live at home because I can't afford to move out with the love of my life..yep, that's about it! How about yourself?"
Last night my mom spoke up (I think, because she feels sorry for me) and let everyone know that I'd graduated college with my ECE diploma, and that I'd like to go back to school so that I can specialize in working with children with special needs. But who hasn't graduated college? And who doesn't have plans to go back to school one day? I just can't compete, when I'm the only sick and anxious person at a table full of beautiful and normal-abled people.
I will note that one of the boys was really impressed by my newest tattoo, which lead to talking about all my poetry, and blogging, which made me feel a lot better about myself. Tattoos are fantastic diversion! "What have you accomplished lately?" "Ughhh..Wana see my new tattoo?!"
I could take a second, and stop feeling so sorry for myself and just tell people the truth when they ask, I just don't know how to say it. It doesn't make any real sense to anyone, no matter how I explain it. People don't realize that for me, remaining alive and willing, is a huge accomplishment. Actually. People can't understand that having a panic attack in my bathroom without calling my daddy in to hold my hand until it's over, is actually something that I can now be really proud of. Or I should be, anyways!
I don't have a problem talking about depression, or panic, or a constant fear or pooing in my pants again...I'm not actually embarrassed. But I need to really know that someone really wants to know the truth. And that's hard to decipher. Is someone asking about your life because they're genuinely interested in whatever you might say? Or are they just being polite, because it's polite to ask people about themselves? (It is the polite thing to do)
I don't know. And this particular entry doesn't have a decent conclusion. Which makes it more of a rant I guess. Or just something better for my brain to concentrate on, instead of 'Why the hell am I spinning, and nauseous, and pounding and sweating YET again?'
If I have one weakness as a writer, it's my lack of ability to end things eloquently. Beginnings are easy-peasy once you have any kind of idea, and after that I can write, and write, and write! But whether it's a story, or a blog, or even a poem, I'm not all that good at wrapping things up.
Maybe it's because everything I write is just so damn good, I don't want it to end.
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