Breakdowns and Throughs

I believe good crys, are good for everyone. I believe it's healthy, and necessary at least every once and a while. I believe that little tickle that starts in your nose, or the back of your throat and grows into a stinging in your eyes, is our body's way of telling us, something inside hurts, and needs out.

Some times I feel like a big fat baby for crying. Ok, USUALLY I feel like a big fat baby! But there are sometimes where I feel brave, letting the tears out. Some of us have been taught, either through generations or by past ridicules, that tears should be kept inside and if they try to escape, we are to blink them off and suck it up, and continue on with our perfectly lovely day.

I wasn't taught anything about tears. My tears taught me! They taught me keeping them hostage only makes them grow bigger and wetter, and multiply until your head is so heavy and your heart is so tired that you can't stand up. They also taught me that if you keep them hostage, eventually they will explode out of you. As will all the snot you've been trying to discreetly sniffle away..

For me anyways, it just feels good to let them out as they come. They're there for a reason..whether you're alone in a bathroom having what's likely your 200th panic attack and you're just depressed, or because you smashed your toes off the stupid coffee table, again!

Sometimes the crying comes, and it refuses to stop coming. Those are referred to as breakdowns. You cry and you cry and then you subconsciously think of something else to cry over so you cry some more, and then you're so depressed and pissed off that THIS is what your Friday night has become, so you cry a few self-pitty tears, and then you realize there are far worse things in life then panic attacks like WAR and RAPE and OIL-COVERED-BIRDIES and so you cry for those effected by war, and those who have been raped, and those poor little birdies who never did anything to that big oil company..and eventually you're left crying because your body is so exhausted, it doesn't know what else to do but cry.

Sometimes however, if we are lucky, breakthroughs follow the breakdown. (Sometimes another breakdown follows the breakthrough that followed the original breakdown.)

Princess Georgia had one of these post-down breakthroughs. While sitting on that hideaway floor, furious that the Monster had to come get her just as she was getting ready to go off to a royal ball, she realized something about another something that had been bothering her. It was a something that was likely making her easy prey for the Anxiety Monster.

Princess Georgia had recently found out that her very greatest friend in the whole wide kingdom was soon to be married to a prince of her own! He was no Prince Charming, but Princess Georgia was thrilled for her friend, unconditionally. As soon as she had heard the news, thoughts of the parties she was going to host for the bride-to-be floated through her mind. She dreamed of the dresses the ladies would wear standing next to her bride best friend while she was wed to the love of her life. Princess Georgia could not wait to be part of what would be the most special day in her dear friend's life.

However, when Princess Georgia finally gathered the nerve to ask her friend all about the wedding plans, she learned that she would not be next to her while she said her "I do". She wouldn't even be next to the person next to her best friend..or next to THAT person. She was a Princess, but she would be sitting amongst the rest of the common folk, just watching, and not being.

Princess Georgia was heartbroken. There was a once-upon-a-time that she had fallen in love with a different prince, years ago, and eventually realized that she loved him far more then he ever loved her. And that is a devastating feeling. Worse though, is feeling as though you love a friend more then they love you. That you give, more then you ever receive from some of the most important people in your life.

After this latest breakdown on her hiding spot floor, Princess Georgia had a breakthrough! Could it be that her dearest friend does in fact love her just as much, but was too worried to ask her to be part of her wedding day? She could be too worried that she wouldn't be able to count on the Princess.

And Princess Georgia would understand that. Who wants to risk their perfect romantic day on someone who is always off hiding? Many townspeople still believed that the Anxiety Monster only attacked the weak. Perhaps her friend also believed this. It would be justified, as Princess Georgia had already missed royal parties, and gorgeous galas because she had been forced to lock herself away in her hiding spot, yet again.

(Breakthroughs are good, but they don't always make us happier, necessarily.)

Princess Georgia wants to be someone that her townspeople can look up to, and count on to rule the Kingdom if she were ever called upon. She wants her Kingdom to trust that she will do whatever it takes to keep them safe, and prospering.

I want to be a person that others can count on. I'm the one they come to when they need someone to talk to, to listen and give sound advice! But I want people to be able to count on me too. I don't want to be the person who calls in sick every other day, and bails on Friday night plans because of panic.

I want to be someone that others can count on to live up to their expectations, and succeed. I want to be someone that others aren't afraid to trust with important, special business, just because I have Acute Panic Disorder.

Hope Floats

It's tough, not to get overly excited when I wake up after a disruption-free, sweaty, dreamy sleep. I once went 7 whole days without sleeping or eating, barely moving and hallucinating. An entire week of my life was spent spinning through a cycle 'getting sick makes me anxious-being anxious makes me sick-getting sick makes me anxious'...etc. So when I wake up at noon and realize it is indeed the first time I've waken up since laying down to go to sleep, it's really tough not to get my hopes up. Especially when I have 2 or 3 or 4 disruption-free, sweaty, dreamy sleeps in a row.

But I do. I always do. It's what I do..I get my hopes up.

Hope is good. It really is. Hope heals! But when hope gets too high, it's simply further to fall, when something knocks you back down.

Princess Georgia was having the most wonderful week! She had spent time with Prince Charming, chasing butterflies in the park, and she had spent time with King Daddy laughing secretly through royal court proceedings which he had to preside! The Princess had spent time with her Princess Sister! She volunteered with her friends from around the village to raise money for sick children (because no matter how much she had been suffering, Princess Georgia always wanted to make life better for others) and even got to spend time with her long-lost Prince brother, and meet his very own Princess! The weather was beautiful, and Princess Georgia was feeling beautiful again.

Perhaps that's the Anxiety Monster's master plan..to wait until the Princess is well recovering, and finding her smiles again, to come back for an attack. The higher the Princess is on her pretty Princess pedestal, the more hurt he could cause when knocking her down yet again.

It's a decent plan, I suppose. Want to REALLY hurt someone? Wait until they are just starting to love life again, just starting to feel confident and hopeful, and THEN attack. Some kick you while you're down, but often being kicked while you're high, hurts more.

I could look at the situation as 'half full' though. I could count my blessings and be thankful for the few good sleeps I got before tonight's attack.

Princess Georgia could count her blessings and be thankful that her stomach didn't summon the Anxiety Monster until she had been able to enjoy a few days dancing in the courtyard before having to run and hide again.

After 3 hours sleep, and the need for an Ativan, am I thankful, or am I bitter? We should all be thankful for the good things in life, even if those things only last a day or two in between awful moments. But sometimes bitterness can drive the force to fight even harder next time.

3 hours of sleep is not enough to make me feel equipped to answer such questions at this time. I can say however,

"Happy Father's Day, King Daddy!"

Mood Disorder Support Group of Guelph

The light at the end of a tunnel..it's a tattoo I have, to illustrate
my hopefulness. I got it a little while ago, and since then my
hopefulness has been tested. Ok, at times my hopefulness has been
chucked out the fucking window while driving 200 miles an hour down a
highway.

But it's back. I've found it again. And I'm holding on for dear life.
Hopefulness and confidence that I will come out on TOP of this giant
pile of crap.

Princess Georgia found a place..a place where everyone who's been at
the mercy of the Anxiety Monster, can safely meet. The Monster doesn’t
come to these meetings. He can't. He's a coward and only attacks its
victims when he knows they're all alone.

These secret meetings keep the towns people from being alone in
between attacks. It's a place where His victims can sit in a circle to
talk, relate, and spread hope amongst each other. It's also a place to
instill fear in the minds of the survivor's most loved ones.

Princess Georgia invited Prince Charming to come to this meeting with
her, because she was scared to go alone. Of course he agreed to go with
her, that's why he's Prince Charming. Unfortunately, hearing the
stories around the circle made Prince Charming worry. Logically so.

Princess Georgia was the youngest in the circle. The youngest by far.
It was a shock to her, and her Prince to realize that there were
people 20 years ahead of them, STILL being attacked, STILL without a
way to make sure the Monster never came back to get them. There were
people in the group who were married with children and important
jobs..and they were still being attacked.

Princess Georgia never had a doubt that Prince Charming was going to
be the one she'd live happily ever after with. After finding this
group though, she was now worried, that her Prince would be worried.

He had been taking care of her for so long already, and had also been
taking care of all those in the kingdom that needed him. He loved
protecting the Princess, but like any normal Prince, he didn't picture
himself having to come to her rescue after the Monster had attacked
her, 10 years down the road. And Princess Georgia didn't want her
Prince to have to endure her war THAT much longer either.

Princess Georgia now has to convince Prince Charming that she was only
going to continue getting stronger, and that she will find a way to
BEAT the Anxiety Monster. She also had to convince herself.

The group meeting was good, informative, and comfortable. A true test
of hope and confidence, though. It's intimidating to know that people
twice my age still dealing with this disorder. I don't want to be on
my bathroom floor crying and shaking when I'm 48 and trying to put
kids through college. I don't want my husband to have to rock me to
sleep when we're on the verge of grandchildren.

I'm hopeful that I will find myself in a day where I don't even think
twice about how my body is feeling. I'm hopeful that I will find
myself in a day where I don't need a magical pill as a backup in my
purse. I am hopeful!

I'm also not CURRENTLY in the midst of a gut-retching, overheating, shaking,
crying attack. Soooo when that time comes again (and unfortunately, I
know there will still be an again) I may want to reassess. We'll see.

It may be a whisper..

..But I still hear it.

Often the longest hours in life are those between something happening, and figuring out WHY it's happened. Why it keeps happening.

Someone read my Blog, and it meant something to them.

I cant say for 100% sure that that justifies my Panic Disorder..it doesn't stop an attack, but it's a special feeling to know someone out there has read my words and actually, graciously digested them.

Princess Georgia thanks you for reading, and for making it comfy enough to share her ugly, cry-baby words.

"I'll survive this one..I survived the last one..and I'll survive the next. Promise!"

Hear'ye! Hear'ye!

There is always a lengthy agenda to attend to during town meetings in Princess Georgia's kingdom. Everyone discusses what flowers to plant in the main garden this season, what food will be served at the next grad ball, review the sizing laws for the carts in the town marketplace, and what new books will be added to the school library. This particular town meeting was different though, it was special for Princess Georgia.

A lady came up to Princess Georgia and asked if they could sit and talk. This lady wanted to tell the Princess that she wasn't alone. This lady had heard of the war Princess Georgia was engaged in with the Anxiety Monster, and wanted the Princess to know how strong and brave she thought she was. She also wanted the Princess to know that there were others in the kingdom who had been attacked by the Monster!

This came as a shock the Princess. She wasn't the only one under attack! This Monster didn't just terrorize small princess. When Princess Georgia was lucky enough to feel healthy and happy enough to go out and have fun with her friends, it was because the Anxiety Monther was off attacking someone else! Gardeners, bakers, bus drivers, teachers... The monster wasn't after just her.

But that doesn't mean she's not still all alone when the Monster finds her. When he discovers where she's hiding, it's just Princess Georgia and the Anxiety Monster. She has to fight him off all by herself, or at least escape to her favorite hiding spot, where she still has to wait all by herself.

When the current fight is over, and hiding is no longer necessary however, that's when it's nice to know there are others out there who have been fighting and hiding on their own, too.

I would never wish THIS on anyone. There are people in jail who don't deserve to suffer through what I am suffering through...no one DESERVES to suffer through what I am suffering through. But they do. Others do suffer, and it's a small comfort to know that I'm not alone. Not in this moment anyways. When my stomach stops rotting, and my bowels un-knot themselves, and my heart slows down, and my muscles unclench, and my lungs give me some air back...I get to think about the others who have to go through what do, and feel like I do. I'm thankful for them. I'm sad for them, but thankful and empowered by them.

My army may just be one, just me, but when I get a minute to retire my armor and stretch me legs (and get some fucking sleep), I also get to take comfort in knowing that I'm not alone in this minute. In this minute, there are others letting go, taking long deep breaths again, and thanking whatever god for some time off to just live.

In this moment, others townspeople are exclaiming; the more she fights and grapples with the Anxiety Monster, the more beautiful and confident Princess Georgia will become.

The Power of Love

She is up all night remembering how she slept so soundly next to Prince Charming just a night ago. No drug or number of knights standing guard outside her door, give her the sense of safety and peace as her Prince does while he is snoring softly.

All Hail..

He is big and strong. He is patient. He is a hard worker, and he does what needs to be done to provide for those who depend on him. He is selfless, and confident. He is brave. He is well respected. He makes everyone smile. He rules with a firm, but fair hand.

THAT is why the kingdom, and the surrounding villages believe he is a true king. Princess Georgia has a different theory, however. Or something else to add to his list of beautiful traits, at least.

She was hiding in her favorite spot, devastated. The Anxiety Monster had been at it for over an hour. She held her head in her hands as the monster attacked, and punished, and terrorized her. Princess Georgia was becoming increasingly exhausted, but she knew, everyone knows, only she can fight off the monster. There is an army of people wanting to rush the gates and bring the monster to justice, put him away for hurting their Princess, but once the attacks start, Princess Georgia must close the door behind her, and fight on her own. An army of one, with a war that devastates the whole surrounding world.

After one particular battle, one that lasted far too long, and stole far too much energy and confidence and will from the Princess, she gathered her things, her panic weapons, and opened the shelter door as quietly as possible. The Princess hates being alone with the Monster, but she also hates to disturb anyone else in the midst of it.

The Princess was heading back to her room, when the King stepped out of the shadows. He knows that he can not slay this beast for his daughter, no matter how badly he wants to, but what he can do, is surprise her with support and company while she recovers from her latest beating. The King knows he can not banish this monster, as he has other monsters, but he can wait for the Princess with open arms, and the promise that everything will be ok. Without a Queen in the castle, King Daddy is the one left to clean up after the Princess is ill. He has had to learn to take care of a child, while also being responsible for the care of a village more.

He is the only one that can make the Princess smile while she is still trying to catch her breath, and rub her back until the shaking stops. To Princess Georgia, THAT is why he is a good king. He just knows. What to do and what to say. And Princess Georgia hopes that he knows, that is enough for her, that is all she needs to keep surviving, attack after attack.

He is the greatest King. The greatest Daddy.

Seriously?

The people in Princess Georgia's village are scared of a dragon that lives in a nearby forest. People build tall walls of stone, and strong, shiny armor to protect themselves. People sharpen swords, and invent traps and cages to help fight the dragon.

It has also been said that anxiety, is a natural defense mechanism. I dislike that theory. When humans face danger our bodies are supposed to go through physical changes to help us cope. 'Everyone experiences anxiety in some degree'. Apparently.

A racing heart helps deliver oxygen throughout the body quicker, blood is redirected to larger, more important muscles and organs, leaving the stomach feeling nauseous, our muscles tense up to prepare us to 'fight or flight', and we sweat in order to cool our bodies naturally, and become slipperier for a predator to catch us.

Sure! That makes perfect sense if Princess Georgia gets lost while hunting for rare flowers in the forest and stumbles across the dragon's den! The dragon is huge, and strong, and breathes fire for goodness sake! But Princess Georgia has been too often left to wonder why the HECK she needs to be tense and slippery when all she's doing is sitting in her bed trying desperately to get some sleep.

The teacher of my Panic and Anxiety class says to picture ourselves in a car wreck and having to save injured patrons, or on a hike and coming face to face with a big angry bear. "Can you see why what we see as symptoms, can actually be used as tools to save our lives?'" Perhaps. But forgive me for saying, I'd WAY rather be forced to wrestle a Grizzly right now (or a great white shark..or an alligator/lion super hybrid species with eight legs a scorpion tail, a trunk that spits out poisonous darts, and 3 stomachs!) , then be left helpless in the safety of my own home, having to beat off this dizziness and over-heating, and the shakes, and the fear of having to run to the toilet. If doing so meant no more cramps, or sleepless nights, gasping for breath, or moments wasted in a public bathroom stall instead of enjoying a dinner party..I'd say 'BRING ON THE BEAR, BITCH!'

Princess Georgia could battle a big, scaly dragon just as well as any knight in shining armor. The Anxiety Monster however, is still a whole other story! It doesn't breathe fire or eat trespassing villagers for breakfast, but it does make the Princess fight for her life. Or her sanity, at least.

Subconcious Warfare

Pretty little princesses are supposed to spend their time thinking
about royal parties, and cupcakes, and a handsome prince. That's what
Princess Georgia thinks about! At least, that's what she thinks she
thinks about...

Little does she know, during his last visit, the Anxiety Monster
planted little seeds in the Princess' brain! Little seeds that on his
command, burst into anxious thoughts which magically summon the
Anxiety Monster to attack. That's why the princess was now under
attack just a few hours after having spent after a wonderful evening in
the park. That is why the princess found herself under attack at the
same time the next night, even after having been on the most
extravagant date with her Prince! That is why, even though her Prince
has moved in nextdoor, ready to defend his lover's honor...the
Anxiety Monster has come again to attack without hesitation.

I saw a movie today, a hilarious movie, that had a reoccurring theme
about 'mind fucking'. The way it was played out, clearly added to the
hilarity of the movie, but it also made me realize that really,
that's all anxiety is. One giant mind fuck! And it is a fucking that
lies deep beneath the surface of obvious thoughts, hidden deep away in
our subconscious corners.

I've been taking part in a program at the mental health facility
downtown, and they describe this fucking as 'self fulfilling prophecy'
or 'self sabotage'. All the 'self' talk makes you feel responsible,
like you're asking for it. But yore not, asking for it..not on purpose
anyways!

Princess Georgia was at a royal ball the first time she was attacked.
She was dressed beautifully and surrounded by supportive friends, who
were there to help her after her first Prince had decided he no longer
wanted to be HER prince. Princess Georgia had been devastated, but she
was strong, and she wanted to dance the night away with her friends, in
beautiful gowns.

There was an intruder however! That first prince had slipped passed
the royal guards, and burst onto the Princess' dance floor. The music
stopped and everyone stared, because the prince was not alone...he was
dancing in the middle of the crowd with a princess from another village!

Princess Georgia's sweet heart was crushed, and after her friends had
taken her back home, when she was alone and slipping into her satiny
pink princess PJs, when she was feeling her most vulnerable...THAT'S when the
Anxiety Monster struck her for the first time!

And that initial attack is detrimental. That first attack, the first
dose of those symptoms and side effects is really what sets you up
with a Panic Disorder for the rest of your life. All of a sudden hot
prickles sweep over your back, your chest seizes up so you have to
remind yourself to breathe, your head starts spinning, your hands clam
up, your muscles freeze, you feel sick to your stomach, and you're
heart starts to beat so fast you think you're having a heart attack.
And more often then not, you're left paralyzed, praying the heart
attack will be decent enough to kill you quickly. Because the longer
your body spins and pounds and sweats, the weaker you become, the
easier it is for the anxious DISEASE to settle comfortably in your
poor, unsuspecting brain.

Barely a few weeks after catching my not so prince-like ex hooking up
with some slut at a party I was obviously attending, the attack came
back. Bigger and stronger. I was completely unsuspecting because my
best friends were throwing me a Birthday party, and when you're in a
sexy new dress with a sexy new haircut, surrounded by your sexy and
supportive friends, the LAST thing you're thinking of is a panic
attack. You are thinking about the amazing presents you've opened,
and all the hot boys at the bar that are going to be hitting on you,
and you're thinking about how lucky you are to have such amazing
friends.

I got to the bar, after cake and presents and hours of silly picture
taking, I was out on the dance floor, some fantastic song was playing,
I was in the most outstanding mood (considering I'd just been dumped a
few weeks before!)... And then this hot prickle creeped over my
shoulders.

Where do I know his feeling from...? Oh! This happened when I was having
that panic attack last weekend! Oh my god, I'm having another panic
attack! And there, a dirty anxious cycle is started.

We have triggers, things we were doing or seeing or feeling at the
time of our first attack, and when we realize we're doing or seeing or
feeling those same things, even months or years later, our brain has
wired itself to believe that yet another panic attack is on the
horizon. We don't think that we overheated because we're on a crowded
dance floor. We don't think that we're dizzy because of the caffeinated
carbonated beverages we had recently chugged. We don't think that our
stomach is upset because we hadn't eaten enough all day. Nope. We
think that we are hot and dizzy, and feeling like we're going to be
sick because we are having another panic attack! And thinking you're
having a panic attack is what makes your heart race, and you chest
seize up which of course leaves your body no choice but to fall under attack.

Tonight the princess was tucked into bed safely, and warmly. King Daddy
is just down the hall, and her Prince is by her side watching over
her. An hour after falling asleep however, Princess Georgia woke up and
noticed her tummy is feeling yucky so she sits up. While sitting, her
brain starts to register the growing temperature under her skin, and
her heart begins to pound! The Anxiety Monster has come for her again!

Out of nowhere and with no warning, no chance to catch her breath and
formulate a proper plan with which to strike back, the Panic Monster
makes the Princess jump out of bed and take cover in the castle's
little tiled, makeshift bomb shelter. She is hiding, feeling like a
coward, but too instantly exhausted and terrified to fight him off. So
the Princess drinks her magic potion, squeezes her knees to her chest,
and cries while the Monster is banging on the door between them.
Princess Georgia stays in that position even after her hands and feet
have turned to pins and needles, and she's freezing. Princess Georgia
stays in that position until she hears the Anxiety Monster growl out
of boredom and stomp away. She gives herself a few extra
minutes, splashes her face with cold water before cracking the
shelter's door open to be sure the monster has fled in search of a
more vulnerable victim.

The coast is clear so Princess Georgia wipes her eyes, flushes the
toilet, and drags herself back to bed where she feels safe again. For
now.

The Morning After Pill

There should be one. For situations other then to ease worry about a condom breaking, or getting pregnant after being raped. Unfortunately I was not up until 4:30am having radical sex, thankfully I was not sexually assaulted either. But I was attacked.

Princess Georgia had only been asleep for an hour. Her Prince has just kissed her goodnight, after a wonderful evening together, and she graciously nuzzled her many bed-top pillows. But the Princess didn't have time to dream of lavish parties with friends, or of an adventure with magic farries, because mere moments after resting her eyes, He knocked.

The Anxiety Monster can be unfairly quick! He knocks at her window (the one that overlooks the stars above, and her loyal land bellow) and barely gives her time to sit up before he is squeezing her around her middle, breathing fire down the back of her neck, and shaking her so she can't stand straight. The Princess has a magic sword, one she's been dying to put through the Monster's very middle..but when he comes so fast, so heavy, Princess Georgia has no choice but to run and hide in her magic shelter. There, Princess takes her magic potion and hugs her magic pillow, and sends magic messages to her Prince, so that she can enjoy some kind of company while the monster is banging at the door. That small door is the only thing standing between the scared, sleepy Princess and her ugly attacker.

Minutes feel like hours as Princess Georgia waits for the monster to tire of banging at her door, and screaming his terrorizing howls. She wants to stand up, open the door and chase him away! She wants to drop her heavy armor and chase the monster away for good. But she can't. Not this time. This time He was too quick, and too angry to give her time to prepare her attack. She feels like a coward, but sometimes the safest thing to do is hide, save herself this time so that next time she may have the strength to face her attacker.

It still feels like you've run a marathon, like you've been chasing that monster all over the city, for hours, even if really you've just been sitting on the chilly tile floor in your little bathroom, waiting for the attack to give up, or to throw up and then pass out. Which ever comes first! Either way it's exhausting.

My heart works way too fast and my muscles are so tense from the cramping and the shaking, that I wake up like a pile of jello the next morning, still trying to catch my breath. There should be a pill for that. A morning After-you've-been-attacked-by-panic pill. Something that re-hydrates you, and massages your stiff muscles, un-swells your cried out eyes, and revitalizes your sense of hope and strength in time to do battle the next time he tries to attack.

But there's not! There's a pill to magically make a broken penis work, but nothing to magically restore you self confidence after being beat on all night. Nope! There's just sheer will and hope, that when he comes knocking next time, I'll be able to hide a little less, medicate a little less, cry a little less, and fight a little harder.

But hey! At least this time she didn't have to wake King Daddy, and have him guard the door of her magic shelter. That in itself is a victory. Princess Georgia has become strong enough to survive as the only one on the inside of that little door! And one day soon, she knows she will be able to OPEN that door, and punch that monster square in his big ugly teeth..

Introducing

The Anxiety Monster


He's an untraceable terror

who triumphs over sleep

interrupts love

and terrifies life.

The sneakiest bastard I know

giving no warning

as when he'll invite him self in

to my head

to my guts

to my heart

and seemingly hold on for dear life.

He alienates me from any possible peace

watching as I sweat

shake

alone

uncomfortable

collapse able

gasping for my own heart back

a strand of sanity

so I might beat again like everyone else.