Subconcious Warfare

Pretty little princesses are supposed to spend their time thinking
about royal parties, and cupcakes, and a handsome prince. That's what
Princess Georgia thinks about! At least, that's what she thinks she
thinks about...

Little does she know, during his last visit, the Anxiety Monster
planted little seeds in the Princess' brain! Little seeds that on his
command, burst into anxious thoughts which magically summon the
Anxiety Monster to attack. That's why the princess was now under
attack just a few hours after having spent after a wonderful evening in
the park. That is why the princess found herself under attack at the
same time the next night, even after having been on the most
extravagant date with her Prince! That is why, even though her Prince
has moved in nextdoor, ready to defend his lover's honor...the
Anxiety Monster has come again to attack without hesitation.

I saw a movie today, a hilarious movie, that had a reoccurring theme
about 'mind fucking'. The way it was played out, clearly added to the
hilarity of the movie, but it also made me realize that really,
that's all anxiety is. One giant mind fuck! And it is a fucking that
lies deep beneath the surface of obvious thoughts, hidden deep away in
our subconscious corners.

I've been taking part in a program at the mental health facility
downtown, and they describe this fucking as 'self fulfilling prophecy'
or 'self sabotage'. All the 'self' talk makes you feel responsible,
like you're asking for it. But yore not, asking for it..not on purpose
anyways!

Princess Georgia was at a royal ball the first time she was attacked.
She was dressed beautifully and surrounded by supportive friends, who
were there to help her after her first Prince had decided he no longer
wanted to be HER prince. Princess Georgia had been devastated, but she
was strong, and she wanted to dance the night away with her friends, in
beautiful gowns.

There was an intruder however! That first prince had slipped passed
the royal guards, and burst onto the Princess' dance floor. The music
stopped and everyone stared, because the prince was not alone...he was
dancing in the middle of the crowd with a princess from another village!

Princess Georgia's sweet heart was crushed, and after her friends had
taken her back home, when she was alone and slipping into her satiny
pink princess PJs, when she was feeling her most vulnerable...THAT'S when the
Anxiety Monster struck her for the first time!

And that initial attack is detrimental. That first attack, the first
dose of those symptoms and side effects is really what sets you up
with a Panic Disorder for the rest of your life. All of a sudden hot
prickles sweep over your back, your chest seizes up so you have to
remind yourself to breathe, your head starts spinning, your hands clam
up, your muscles freeze, you feel sick to your stomach, and you're
heart starts to beat so fast you think you're having a heart attack.
And more often then not, you're left paralyzed, praying the heart
attack will be decent enough to kill you quickly. Because the longer
your body spins and pounds and sweats, the weaker you become, the
easier it is for the anxious DISEASE to settle comfortably in your
poor, unsuspecting brain.

Barely a few weeks after catching my not so prince-like ex hooking up
with some slut at a party I was obviously attending, the attack came
back. Bigger and stronger. I was completely unsuspecting because my
best friends were throwing me a Birthday party, and when you're in a
sexy new dress with a sexy new haircut, surrounded by your sexy and
supportive friends, the LAST thing you're thinking of is a panic
attack. You are thinking about the amazing presents you've opened,
and all the hot boys at the bar that are going to be hitting on you,
and you're thinking about how lucky you are to have such amazing
friends.

I got to the bar, after cake and presents and hours of silly picture
taking, I was out on the dance floor, some fantastic song was playing,
I was in the most outstanding mood (considering I'd just been dumped a
few weeks before!)... And then this hot prickle creeped over my
shoulders.

Where do I know his feeling from...? Oh! This happened when I was having
that panic attack last weekend! Oh my god, I'm having another panic
attack! And there, a dirty anxious cycle is started.

We have triggers, things we were doing or seeing or feeling at the
time of our first attack, and when we realize we're doing or seeing or
feeling those same things, even months or years later, our brain has
wired itself to believe that yet another panic attack is on the
horizon. We don't think that we overheated because we're on a crowded
dance floor. We don't think that we're dizzy because of the caffeinated
carbonated beverages we had recently chugged. We don't think that our
stomach is upset because we hadn't eaten enough all day. Nope. We
think that we are hot and dizzy, and feeling like we're going to be
sick because we are having another panic attack! And thinking you're
having a panic attack is what makes your heart race, and you chest
seize up which of course leaves your body no choice but to fall under attack.

Tonight the princess was tucked into bed safely, and warmly. King Daddy
is just down the hall, and her Prince is by her side watching over
her. An hour after falling asleep however, Princess Georgia woke up and
noticed her tummy is feeling yucky so she sits up. While sitting, her
brain starts to register the growing temperature under her skin, and
her heart begins to pound! The Anxiety Monster has come for her again!

Out of nowhere and with no warning, no chance to catch her breath and
formulate a proper plan with which to strike back, the Panic Monster
makes the Princess jump out of bed and take cover in the castle's
little tiled, makeshift bomb shelter. She is hiding, feeling like a
coward, but too instantly exhausted and terrified to fight him off. So
the Princess drinks her magic potion, squeezes her knees to her chest,
and cries while the Monster is banging on the door between them.
Princess Georgia stays in that position even after her hands and feet
have turned to pins and needles, and she's freezing. Princess Georgia
stays in that position until she hears the Anxiety Monster growl out
of boredom and stomp away. She gives herself a few extra
minutes, splashes her face with cold water before cracking the
shelter's door open to be sure the monster has fled in search of a
more vulnerable victim.

The coast is clear so Princess Georgia wipes her eyes, flushes the
toilet, and drags herself back to bed where she feels safe again. For
now.