Breakdowns and Throughs

I believe good crys, are good for everyone. I believe it's healthy, and necessary at least every once and a while. I believe that little tickle that starts in your nose, or the back of your throat and grows into a stinging in your eyes, is our body's way of telling us, something inside hurts, and needs out.

Some times I feel like a big fat baby for crying. Ok, USUALLY I feel like a big fat baby! But there are sometimes where I feel brave, letting the tears out. Some of us have been taught, either through generations or by past ridicules, that tears should be kept inside and if they try to escape, we are to blink them off and suck it up, and continue on with our perfectly lovely day.

I wasn't taught anything about tears. My tears taught me! They taught me keeping them hostage only makes them grow bigger and wetter, and multiply until your head is so heavy and your heart is so tired that you can't stand up. They also taught me that if you keep them hostage, eventually they will explode out of you. As will all the snot you've been trying to discreetly sniffle away..

For me anyways, it just feels good to let them out as they come. They're there for a reason..whether you're alone in a bathroom having what's likely your 200th panic attack and you're just depressed, or because you smashed your toes off the stupid coffee table, again!

Sometimes the crying comes, and it refuses to stop coming. Those are referred to as breakdowns. You cry and you cry and then you subconsciously think of something else to cry over so you cry some more, and then you're so depressed and pissed off that THIS is what your Friday night has become, so you cry a few self-pitty tears, and then you realize there are far worse things in life then panic attacks like WAR and RAPE and OIL-COVERED-BIRDIES and so you cry for those effected by war, and those who have been raped, and those poor little birdies who never did anything to that big oil company..and eventually you're left crying because your body is so exhausted, it doesn't know what else to do but cry.

Sometimes however, if we are lucky, breakthroughs follow the breakdown. (Sometimes another breakdown follows the breakthrough that followed the original breakdown.)

Princess Georgia had one of these post-down breakthroughs. While sitting on that hideaway floor, furious that the Monster had to come get her just as she was getting ready to go off to a royal ball, she realized something about another something that had been bothering her. It was a something that was likely making her easy prey for the Anxiety Monster.

Princess Georgia had recently found out that her very greatest friend in the whole wide kingdom was soon to be married to a prince of her own! He was no Prince Charming, but Princess Georgia was thrilled for her friend, unconditionally. As soon as she had heard the news, thoughts of the parties she was going to host for the bride-to-be floated through her mind. She dreamed of the dresses the ladies would wear standing next to her bride best friend while she was wed to the love of her life. Princess Georgia could not wait to be part of what would be the most special day in her dear friend's life.

However, when Princess Georgia finally gathered the nerve to ask her friend all about the wedding plans, she learned that she would not be next to her while she said her "I do". She wouldn't even be next to the person next to her best friend..or next to THAT person. She was a Princess, but she would be sitting amongst the rest of the common folk, just watching, and not being.

Princess Georgia was heartbroken. There was a once-upon-a-time that she had fallen in love with a different prince, years ago, and eventually realized that she loved him far more then he ever loved her. And that is a devastating feeling. Worse though, is feeling as though you love a friend more then they love you. That you give, more then you ever receive from some of the most important people in your life.

After this latest breakdown on her hiding spot floor, Princess Georgia had a breakthrough! Could it be that her dearest friend does in fact love her just as much, but was too worried to ask her to be part of her wedding day? She could be too worried that she wouldn't be able to count on the Princess.

And Princess Georgia would understand that. Who wants to risk their perfect romantic day on someone who is always off hiding? Many townspeople still believed that the Anxiety Monster only attacked the weak. Perhaps her friend also believed this. It would be justified, as Princess Georgia had already missed royal parties, and gorgeous galas because she had been forced to lock herself away in her hiding spot, yet again.

(Breakthroughs are good, but they don't always make us happier, necessarily.)

Princess Georgia wants to be someone that her townspeople can look up to, and count on to rule the Kingdom if she were ever called upon. She wants her Kingdom to trust that she will do whatever it takes to keep them safe, and prospering.

I want to be a person that others can count on. I'm the one they come to when they need someone to talk to, to listen and give sound advice! But I want people to be able to count on me too. I don't want to be the person who calls in sick every other day, and bails on Friday night plans because of panic.

I want to be someone that others can count on to live up to their expectations, and succeed. I want to be someone that others aren't afraid to trust with important, special business, just because I have Acute Panic Disorder.