On February 5th 2010, I was diagnosed with Endometriosis. And even though that could mean surgeries and infertility and clinically induced menopause..that was the best day of my life.
Endometriosis makes you very nauseous and lower abdominal pain can be excruciating, and my symptoms all fit. After 3 years of feeling like absolute shit for no found reason, I had an answer. I cried happy tears for that usually-devastating diagnosis.
Two months later, after what was already the worst week of my entire life, the GYNO changed his mind. He no longer assumed I had Endometriosis, and said there was nothing he could do for me.
I had just spent the last two months crying, and trying to convince myself that it would all be over soon, every time I felt sick. I was ready for drugs and exploratory surgeries and a hysterectomy! I was excited for all that. I didn't have much hope, but it was all riding on the fact that Endometriosis is a real thing and can be fixed for real.
So then I was back to no answers. And after getting that news from the GYNO, and after having spent the last week puking and shitting my pants and hallucinating..I ended up in emerge. And it was there, that my hopes got hung on something new.
A lovely specialist came in and told me that I could begin treatment as an out-patient at Homewood immediately. Homewood is a nut house at the end of the day..but I was so relieved that someone new was going to fix me. In my first few days I was diagnosed with depression and Acute panic Disorder. Hooray! A new answer, a new name for a real thing. (Getting to put a name to the hideous face of whatever has been plaguing you for years, feels like a very large feat)
I was hopeful all over again. New meds, treatment classes..and then after 2 months there, I began to deal with my doctor who put me on a new dose of the drugs, and I bought literature and workbooks to help myself, and I really let myself believe that the physical pain and illness I'd been feeling all that time, was actually due to a psychological issue. And now that we 'knew' that, I could be hopeful again, about one day (SOON) having these ailments behind me.
That was 9 months ago. And here I am, 2am and on my bathroom floor feeling like I'm going to be sick, feeling like I'm going to faint, with this fantastic pain in my chest and back.
I spent some time, recently, back in emerge and we figured that perhaps we were wrong..the panic is not making me sick, but feeling sick is making me panic. I see my GI specialist in two weeks, and I am going to present my case as maturely and convincingly..and desperately as possible. But then what?
The problem is that I currently have my hopes set high, for December 16th. As a way to cope with current illness and panic, I tell myself that the doctor and I will talk, he will understand and BELIEVE me, and he will help me start some kind of new treatment immediately.
But what if that's not the case? What if him and his treatment just disappoints me, and devastates me all over again, like the GYNO's treatment and the psychiatrist’s treatments? I mean, that would be strike three, wouldn't it? So then what. THAT does not attract hope.
So do I try to be smart this time, and go into this phase of things with low expectations, so that I'm not crushed when he could possibly admit that he too can't do anything for me? Or do I hope? Do I hope that things will work this time?
Honestly, if it wasn't also the day my Goddaughter was born, id be terrified that the 16th, this appointment, was quite capable of breaking me. But if I do get bad news, I can just run home to Jenn and kiss my little B until the pain stops.
Ps. This waiting game is total bs.
I just don't want to have to feel like this every day for the rest of my life. Sure, I'm learning to get used to it, but what kind of a fucking life is that, to have to learn to function and contribute to society and start a family and MAKE A LIFE FOR YOURSELF.. when you feel sick all the time?
I'm cold enough, and empty enough to go back to my bedroom, and wait until I'm too tired to panic anymore, and just sleep. Tomorrow could be far better, you never know.
No comments:
Post a Comment