Question Marks

A few hours ago, I was torn.

Since starting a new medication, I hadn't felt nauseous. It may not seem a big deal to anyone else, 5 days without nausea, but it's a huge deal to me. However, instead of nauseous, I've been dealing with ridiculous RLS, sleeping 12 hours a day, barely eating, and crying on a regular basis.

This new drug is originally used as an anti-depressant, and more recently as a suppressant for nausea. Well, the SSRI part is clearly NOT working for me. So I'm left torn. Do I take this drug and keep from feeling like puking 24/7, but feel miserable and cranky and wasted instead? Or do I go back to my original medication, and endure the absolute-illness, but cry and sleep less?

It's infuriating, to think that those are my only two options.

Well now its 5am, almost a week into this new prescription, and I have turned the lights back on after laying in bed in the dark for the last 45 minutes. What do you know...Im nauseous.

So now I am stuck with more then just one question.

No, I am wondering nausea or depression? Why me? Why this? Why for over 4 years?

I mean, really. I have actually, legitimately, felt like shit for the last 4 years. One sixth of my whole life has been spent feeling sick. Frankly, that is just absurd. I hate pitying myself, and I hate comparisons, but Google says that the average length of treatment for a serious cancer, is up to a year. ONE year! SO I could be finishing my 4th round of chemo right now. Technically.

I just don't get it. I don't fucking get it.

Why do I have to try and figure out all these impossible questions? Why do I have to choose the lesser of two evils? Why can't I be ALL better? I honestly just don't get it. The sun is coming up, I am fucking miserable, and exhausted, and I just don't it.